This Year I Hated…

1. Across the Universe

A musical abomination. No, make that a musical abortion. This splashy, slap happy Beatles sing-along slathers bad covers over the uninspired life story of a clichéd group of free birds that preach pace, resist the institution, and blast the viewer with misshaped globs self importance. “Artistic” devices include bleeding strawberries, bullets in televisions, dancing rock soldiers and a general malaise of “you say you want a revolution” tunes that come across as elegantly as nails dragged along a mile-long stretch on the chalk board freeway of suckatude. As cobbled together by the overrated Julie Taymore, this is Grade-A no tact filmmaking; instead of tact, the film is populated by excess craft. There is also creepy histrionics that give a bad name to the musical genre. The more there is to look at, the less there is to really absorb or think about what we’re seeing. In the thick of a general mist of choreographed regurgitations the only thing that can be seen clearly is that the wanking Taymore is the arthouse version of Michael Bay. The anything-goes musical attitude, when coupled with obvious counterpoints to the lyrics (a anti war songs sees soldiers carrying a giant statue of liberty along the Vietnam jungle…get it?), make for a deadly visual/sonic creation. It’s all just one over determined metaphor and all too-apt song (verging on parody) after another. Finally……. the trite Beatles concept has an unusual effect by exposing their songs to be trite and shallow. The film, then, proves to be a great weapon for a non-Beatles fan such as myself in that only a film this audaciously bad could make a case for why the Beatles are overrated. In addition to worst-of-the-year status, I give this fapping flopp an F

2. Lars and the Real Girl

The years most annoying film. Made all the more annoying by all the respect it got. This putrid piece of small town Capra meets goofy small town sex comedy is all kinds of messed up considering that I hate Capra and loathe small town comedies. Lars takes up a girlfriend and everyone in town enables him for no other reason beyond the fact that the film requires them to do so, This is the years most contrived idea. Mere empty brackets that are filled with as much hot air as the Real Girl herself.

3. The Lives of Others

That’s right, this Oscar winner is worse than a Uwe Boll film and Razzie winner. The black/white moral binarisms of this film make it a labored and obvious message movie that was seemingly made for people who are too stupid to enjoy real Foreign films but brag about how great this one was (it’s this year’s Life is Beautiful). So let me see if I can get this whopper of a message straight: the cold war was bad and artists, even the subversive ones, should be given the dignity of not being spied upon by the government. The film is one big no-duh.

4. I Know Who Killed Me

This is the best bad movie of 2007. So bad that it’s kinda lovable. I couldn’t do a worst list without a few words about this Razzie winning Lindsey Lohan movie. For starters, it’s so classically abysmal that I had to run out and buy a copy so I could include it alongside my treasured $4.99 copies of Battlefield Earth and Gigli. It’s a film I feel like centering parties around because it will stop everyone dead in their tracks. .. which, uh, is a good thing for parties, right? When Lindsey Lohan’s stripper character looses her first limb (a finger) the way she shrugs this cosmic event off is up there with the “no wire hangers” moment in Mommy Dearest. This is a movie about am amnesiac stripper turned psychic detective and, well, that’s always a good time. Best line: “So my finger got cut off. But nobody did it. Who’s going to believe that? Look at you. You don’t even believe it.” “Yes I do” Li-Lo’s special male friend says. “That’s because I fucked you!” she fires back with what Tyra Banks would call “maximum fierceness.”

5. Blood Rayne

A year will not go by without celebrating the glorious (non) talents of Dr. Uwe Boll. In this sequel, Blood Rayne goes to the wild wild west to take on a vampiric Billy the Kid or some such shit. Can’t wait to see what the Bollster cooks up in the next Rayne.

6. Waitress

I’ll have two orders of comedy and a cup of honesty. Oh, and hold the Waitress.

7. Evan Almighty

Philosophers can stop their quibbling because we have finally been given a solid piece of proof that points to god not existing because he/she/it wouldn’t have allowed this film to be made in His name. After this stunningly unfunny film ended I went to the DVD menu to see what extras were in store for me. One of them was bloopers. That’s funny, I thought to myself, this whole damn debacle is a blooper. For one, the premise make no sense at its core. How does one make an end of the world, Biblical fall of man version of Noah’s Arc and make it funny? Easy, it cheats, panders and condescends.

8. Rush Hour 3

I wanted to use the third Rush Hour to establish a clean slate with the series. I’d long been a critic of Chris Tucker (too much money, too loud, too cocky) and a fan of Chan but, as action films go, my hatred for the last Rush Hour is second only to XXX. And as action directors go, Rattner is second only to Uwe Boll. And that’s being nice; to watch his contribution to three is to watch a true Hollywood amateur at work. My clean slate lasted about thirty seconds in as Ratner chose to open his films with exteriors of L.A. as bad 80s action movie music assaulted my ears. There’s no soul here, just contrived situations and humor that is muddled in Tucker’s make-fun-of-Asians persona that he’s been coasting on for the last ten years. The this series seems to be well past its expiration date in terms of relevancy (it’s box office take indicate as much) so, in truth, my dislike for Rush Hour 3 does not burn that bright because it’s so pathetic and antiquated. At least one good thing came from this film: we won’t have to see the insufferable yapper Chris Tucker for another half-decade.

9. Delta Farce

I’m at a loss for words when describing this farty “farce” in which Larry and co. get drafted for the Iraq war and, after a mishap to unfunny to even recall, end up in Mexico instead. Watch as Mexicans get mistaken for Arabs. It’s the film equivalent to Taco Bell except this film had me running away from he boarder. Allz I knowz is that as long as Tyler Perry, Uwe Boll and Larry the Cable Guy make movies year in and year out I’ll have no problem coming up with a ten worst list. They’re making my writing hobby soooo easy.

10. Smoking Aces

Bad action all around make these Smoking Asses stink to high heaven. Bad as hell but, honestly, it’s included in my top ten because a year simply can’t go by this decade without me listing a film in which Ben Afflek is apart of.

Why Did I Get Marrie

First, Tyler Perry hates women. He has these archaic notions of where a woman’s places is and nobody seems to mind. He is selfish in this film and fears powerful woman that don’t take care of their men. He also fears gay people and non-Christians. Second, here is one of the wost directors in America getting a free pass by critics and academics. Just because this crap has a culturally relevant audience doesn’t mean we can’t apply aesthetic judgments. Which is, namely, that this is a specimen of bad melodrama, bad comedy and couples talk, talk, talking through their “issues”–the film is like a bad instructional video. Third, the good news: while dull, tedious and artistically static (there’s no vision within miles of the cabin in which this therapy session film is set in), this is actually Perry’s first real film because at least it’s trying to understand a niche group (American Yuppie blacks). It’s not anywhere close to his first good film but his first real film is a start I guess.

Epic Movie

So bad that I almost forgot to include this toxic film version of Best Week Ever. The many references have no real comic value. They exist for two reasons: for their own sake, and to make my life hell because I have a stupid self-imposed edict to see every film that opens number one so as to stay culturally relevant. After this film I think I should give up on culture altogether and move to a place where films like this can’t get to me. And to think, meet the Spartans is just around the corner. Kill me now!

The Hills Have Eyes 2

I loved number one. Number two… ech, is just that. It’s everything I thought the first would be: meaningless torture film with zero suspense and overwrought political overtones. And how sad is it that Wes Craven wrote the screenplay? Wes, quit your day job.

Good Luck Chuck

Bad Luck Audience.

Ghostrider

Oh, please make a sequel. Nothing is sillier than watching Nick Cage acting like his head is on fire. Wait, maybe the sight of Wes Bentley playing the son of Satan beats that. No, the ultimate in suckage is watching the Ghostrider and old dude on a horse hauling ass through the desert for the final showdown–when they get there the old dude is like, “okay, see ya, partner.” Classic. This was the best bad movie of the year.

Dragon Wars

The most incoherent film of the year ever. And, no, I’m not going to give this film a pass just because it has dragons.

Knocked Up

Higel wasn’t the only one fucked by this film.

Other Worsts…

The Drew Barrymore Crimes Against Acting Award:

  • Chris Tucker – Rush Hour 3
  • Larry the Cable Guy – Delta Farce
  • Wes Bentley – Ghostrider
  • Real Doll – Lars and the Real Girl
  • The Cast of Across the Universe
  • Amy Ryan – Gone Baby Gone
  • Keri Russell – Waitress
  • Dane Cook – Good Luck Chuck
  • Lindsey Lohan, her twin and her “twins” – I Know Who Killed Me

Overrated Acting:

  • Amy Ryan – This year’s Jennifer Hudson. Ryan got the pleasure of being this year’s conventional critic’s darling. I always saw the acting class gears moving; found her bad methoid performance distracting in a picture filled with otherwise excellent performances)
  • Ruby Dee – As three minute performances go, it’s okay but nobody walked away from American Gangster talking about Dee.
  • Havier Bardem-Look, I love the character, and the film, but an Oscar for this non-performance is a bit much.
  • Ryan Gosling – A fan of Gosling’s work in last year’s Half Nelson; the opposite is true of his work this year in Lars and the Real Girl. Even if there was an interesting performance here, Gosling tries to hard (too many ticks and mannerisms) and is ultimately screwed over by the screenplay. This character’s psychology is never really explored. Just manipulated.

Best Performance in the Worst Movie:

  • Kate Blanchette – Elizabeth: The Golden Age
  • Kevin James – I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (I could have sworn he wasn’t that bad)

Bad Writing:

  • Worst Screen Story: Tamoria Davis – Lars and the Real Girl
  • Worst Dialogue, Chris Sivertson: I Know Who Killed Me–I mean even the title of the film (spoken in the film, too) is a marble mouthed mess.
  • Most Annoying Dialogue: Hal Hartley – Fay Grim
  • Worst Line #1: Ghost Rider says… He may have my soul, but he doesn’t have my spirit. Rock on, rider.
  • Worst Line #2: Ghost Rider says… “You…innocent.”
  • Worst Line #4 Ghost Rider says… “You…guilty.”

Botched!:

  • The Simpsons Movie
  • Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (the first AVP was stupid/fun, this one is stupid/stupid)
  • Transformers – only Michael Bay could make the worst thing about Transformers, the TRANSFORMERS!
  • The Hills Have Eyes 2
  • Whatever that was Wes Anderson did

The Michael Bay Award for Worst Director:

  • Bret Rattner for Rush Hour 3
  • Julie Taymore for Across the Universe
  • Michael Bay for Transformer
  • Chris Sivertson for I Know Who Killed Me (though the directing is the best thing in the movie when you compare it to the writing and acting)

Worst Trend:

  • Stripper screenwriters
  • Stubborn screenwriters who don’t care about anybody and greedy studios who don’t care about screenwriters
  • Jason Lee in kid movies
  • Cuba Gooding Jr.’s carrear (Daddy Day Care, Norbit, American Gangster)
  • Blueray vs. HDVD (whoever won, we lost)

Annoying Celebs:

  • Lohan and Spears learn that they’re lack of talent is better used offscreen than on. If they don’t OD in 2008 then I will.
  • Brad and Angelina (third year straight!)
  • Perez Hilton
  • Shia LaBeouf is a cocky shit
  • Reality shows for giving c-list actors more work

Most Homophobic:

  • I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Most Awkwardness Involving a Kid Actor:

  • Vince Vaughn and his scrappy black son/friend/roomate/what-the-fuck in Fred Clause. Hanging out with little boys is creepy no matter who you are.

Franchise Most In Need of a Matrix-izing (i.e ending):

  • Rush Hour 3
  • Saw IV – Actually, this is one of the better Saw movies but, really, how much more do we need to see the same thing?
  • Ocean’s 13- the only thing that would get me to see another crappy heist film is if Crispin Glover became the 14th Ocean.

Franchise Most In Need of Ending Before it Becomes a Franchise:

  • Ghost Rider

Just…no!:

  • All the pomp in Across the Universe
  • All the penis in Lady Chatterley
  • All the pretty in Elizabeth: The Golden Age
  • All the pies in Waitress
  • All the stupid usages of songs in The Invisible
  • All the animals in Evan Almighty
  • All the digitized man-ass in Beowulf
  • All the backstory in Halloween
  • All the “twists” in Saw IV
  • All the talking in The Wind that Shakes the Barley
  • All the smug in Ocean’s 13

Worst Ending:

  • The save-the-drowning-kid last act of Darjeeling Limited proves that Anderson has gotten sloppy at this point in his carrier.
  • And speaking of water logged death finales, Evan Almighty’s mini flood was pathetic.

Last Year’s Worst List