2009 films that I am too lazy to fully review.

Friday the 13 So sue me, I always thought “Friday the 13th” was a ridiculously mind numbing bore. A film without a shred of mystery (the building block of good horror). Sure, I like horror, even slasher/horror, but this series set the genre back not in a way that is quantifiable by years but by the totality of its essence–it RUINED it! That being said I like the idea or remaking or as in the case of this film, re-doing, already crappy 80s horror films because what’s the harm? “Texas Chainsaw” got the trend started and an army of unoriginals hit the market in full force; the Jason-come-lateys ranged from the really good “Hills Have Eyes” to the could-have-been-good ”Halloween” to the what-were-they-thinking “Prom Night.” The new “Friday” is, I feel, the best of the series, ranking just above the one where Jason is on a spaceship (I’m not counting “Freddy vs. Jason,” which is only awesome because Freddy is awesome). Again, not saying much especially coming ardent non-fan, but like the new “Chainsaw” (same director here), this remake/follow-up gets a few things right. The atmosphere is crisply dark and floods of noir-ish blood shed light the screen when needed. The body count is high and filled with deaths of pretty young actors we all want to see get naked then die because that’s what it’s all about! A slight difference is that the leads are almost interesting. But alas, Jason, is not, he’s never been and never will be, he’s a lumbering bore. So when viewed on realistic terms this film is not good, not compared to an original horror films like “Drag Me to Hell,” but it does what it should and does so with style so, points there. C

• Sunshine Cleaning–What could go wrong in a film about a pair of down on their luck crime scene cleaners? A lot, apparently. The film opens with a solid (if not realistic) premise and a cast that’s just as strong (love Arkin and Blunt’s stoner American accent is hypnotic) but both are brought down by a screenplay that falters in the second act where the interesting crime scene clean upstuff gets buried (get it) under way too much extraneous character BS (oh, god no, not childhood flashbacks! and the dumbest scene of the year: hey, lets go stand under a train so we can feel ALIVE–the fuck?). Then it down right sinks in the third act when that character BS I didn’t like to begin with gets NO payoff (the dude with the one arm? the cop with the two arms? the lesbian subplot? the chick who hates her mom? and a final, solve-all happy ending that reeks of reshoots). C
  
• Taken–Look, I have no idea how Taken, a kick ass B-actioneer that was released in Europe a few years ago, has become one of the biggest films of the year (it’s heading towards 200 million!). But I’m glad it is. As some blogger noted, this film has no right being as good as it is. Yup, there’s something intrinsically pleasing about seeing Liam Neeson take out the (euro)trash in an attempt to save his daughter–he’s the new Harrison “GIVE ME BACK MY DAUGHTER” Ford in that respect. The awesome cathartic zing of Taken stems not so much from Neeson’s ex CIA bad-assness but from his character’s slow and steady and methodical approach as he inches closer and closer towards the whereabouts of his daughter. Bones are broken, lives are taken… this no nonsense/bare-bones character Neeson takes on reminds me of Lee Marvin in Point Blank and George C Scott in Hardcore, men who are driven by a mechanical soulless rage, and you can’t find better company than that. And how great is it that Neeson finally has a solo hit film on his hands; one where he’s not a smooth talking goddamn mentor (Star Wars: Episode I, Batman Begins, Narnia, Kingdom of Heaven). B+
• Coraline–I’m going to admit right here that I feel Neil Gaimen is overrated. Sorry, he gets way too much credit for peddling goth-light versions of fairy tales. Coraline, you could say, also fits into that whole Hot-Topic-Nightmare-Before-Christmas-OMG hype but the film overcomes a lot by being so simple and pure and non-gimmicky. Just a splendid little archetypal film about a raven haired girl entering into a dream world and overcoming her fears (hum, sounds like Spirited Away). Much adventure is had… but it’s pretty thin stuff. The film gets bumped up a grade point for the fantastic IMAX presentation. B-
• Underworld: Rise of the Lycans–No Kate Beckinsale… more Bill Nighy… all Michael Sheen. A win, win, win situation for semi-Underworld fans like me. Does this make this prequel any better than the first or half-way decent second? No, not by much but it sure makes it a lot more fun. I mean, vampire/werewolf sex is a hoot, and a howl! The story is set in the past and, thus, dosen’t bother us with how COOL it (thinks it) is. That’s a wise move because it was never cool to begin with. B-