Paper Street Cinema » Awards and Extras

The Best TV Shows of 2009/2010

Greg Douglass — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 05:16:14 +0000

the best show of the year is…

1. Breaking Bad (AMC)

Full List

Breaking Bad (AMC)
It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX)
Damages (FX)
Archer (FX)
Caprica (SyFy)
Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Cartoon Network/Adult Swim)
Doctor Who (BBC)
Lost (ABC)
Dexter (Showtime)
Party Down (Starz)
Justified (FX)
Fringe (Fox)
Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)
True Blood (HBO)
Code Geass: R2 (uh, the Internet)
Venture Brothers (Cartoon Network/Adult Swim)
24 (FOX)
Chuck (NBC)
Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood (Cartoon Network/Adult Swim)
Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! (Cartoon Network/Adult Swim)
The IT Crowd (BBC)
Mad Men (AMC)
Smallville (CW)
Vampire Diaries (CW)
Human Target (FOX)

long winded thoughts…

Breaking Bad season 3–
Season one of “Breaking Bad” set the tone for the series but did little else. This was a show that was not only cut in half due to a crippling writer’s strike but lacked elegance and narrative refinement. Season two needs to be recognized for taking a decent cult show and elevating it into something of a critical breakthrough. An uncompromising drama that could be poignant yet totally irreverent and wacky. Season three however is when a lot more of us started thinking about “Breaking Bad” not in terms of how good it is but, rather, how much better it is than everything else. While season two brought a crucial element of gritty and goofy storytelling to the forefront this season managed to do that but with a more artful purpose.
Basically “Breaking Bad” is about the corrupt soul of Walter White (Bryan Cranston). It is about the disease that exists not only within him but the one he puts out into the world. Building on that simple theme season three loads up on awesome like it’s going out of style. The season began with aftermath of that fateful, “Lost”-ish season two ending where, as an indirect result of Walter’s corruption, a plane almost magically up and crashed over his goddamned house. Freaky. And it gets even more freaky. From Walter acting all crazy during school speeches and principal meetings (is his tumor back?) to getting fired and taking over an industrial sized meth lab to trying to win back a wife that clearly hates him to that pesky fly that turned Walter into a full blown caricature of Wiley E. Coyote, caused him to go into a full lockdown for an entire episode (the best of the series in my opinion) to the surprise car attack to the final twisted reversal of power… more seemed to be going on this season than in the previous two combined! As the bald meth cooker would say ” its not quantity, it’s quality.” It’s a good thing, then, that “Breaking Bad” has both locked up.
“Breaking Bad” is so full of irony (dramatic, tragic and just plain funny) that it gives Shakespeare a run for his money. What started out a dying High School science teacher’s (almost) noble goal to provide for his poor family by cooking Meth on the side with a former student of his (Aaron Paul, yo) turned into a saga of greed that, three years later, obscures all moral lines to a point of tortured allegiance. We side with Walter but at a cost. Walter’s Godfather-like arc manages to feel epic even as the show wisely remains as myopic and focused and as ever. During season three ”Breaking Bad” fully began to trust in its strange brew of a formula, its characters and its sense of the strange and surreal and is poised to become the best thing on television next year too.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (season 5)–
Not just the funniest show on television but the funniest show since “Arrested Development!” By sticking to a simple formula where every episodes starts with”the gang…” followed by some ridiculous plot that is guaranteed to end in anarchy (and maybe some rape), everything about “Sunny,” from the dialogue to the plotting, is forced and unnatural. But in a good way; sometimes comedy needs to be stylized, laid on thick then forced down our throats. This show challenges the viewer and even challenges norms (bothcultural and within television itself) but rarely comes off as being contrived and never takes itself too seriously or, for that matter, seriously at all. Unlike most comedies shows “Sunny” gets better with every passing year. All five personalities that exist in this bar-set shows (a long, long way from “Cheers”) have been perfected to an essence of ”Stooge”-like stupidity and the storylines move with such enjoyable momentum that I always find myself amazed that a half hour just passed. I could make the case that the fifth season of this sharp but never serious show is not only funny in its own right but brilliantly set its sights on various cultural issues such as racism, alcoholism, the economy, gas shortages, the mortgage crisis, lawyers, skinny jeans, obsessed sports fans, straight male break-ups, um, ass hole cyclists who hog the road, abortion, glamor muscles, homeless people, homeless wrestlers played by Roddy Roddy Piper and of course cat mittens. As it gets meaner and meaner, “Sunny” attains a level of blissful savagery that nothing on television matches. As a final indication of how awesome “IASIP” is, if you hear someone say “Phili” the chances are very good they’re talking about this show and not the city.
Damages (season 3)–
On the surface, this season of “Damages” was not sexy or thrilling or easy to sell to people who didn’t already know how great it was (which is about three people). For a season three show on the bubble, opting for quiet and often reflective drama punctuated by moments of deep seeded anger and raw violence proved to be a big gamble that failed on one really big hand (FX canceled it) but succeeded in almost every other aspect. This slow but dense season took all the time in the world to get going but in its final episodes paid off with more emphatic drama, top notch acting (Close, Byrneand Martin Short all earned their Emmy nods) and smart but never glib writing than anything else out there and that includes movies. What’s most amazing is how all the story threads and characters (from all three seasons!!!) are either wrapped up, resolved, destroyed or come together in a way that left me breathless. There’s so much more to this shows than lawyers that to even call it a “lawyer show” seems wildly unfair yet totally appropriate. I don’t care how un-cool it is to like “Damages,” it’s a classic and anyone not watching it is missing the best drama on TV.
Archer (season 1)–
Picking up where the perverse animated action comedy “Frisky Dingo” left off (which, sadly, never let back on), Matt Reed has created another wildly inappropriate masterpiece. It’s hard to describe a Reed show to a non-Reed fan. It’s irreverent. It’s funny. It’s sick. It’s mean. It’s goofy. It’s arrogant. It’s even full of action… that usually ends very badly for everybody but the sociopathic lead character. As voiced by H. Jon Benjamin, secret agent Archer is the biggest douche bag on earth. And the most lovable one too. He is sex crazed, lazy, rude, insensitive, plagued with major Oedipal mother issues (try not to laugh when he gets half a boner after his mother’s life is threatened–”the other half really wanted you to live” he said) and has given himself a license to kill. AND an unlimited budget. Archer almost always saves the day but almost never on purpose. Archer’s self interest, self preservation and self centeredness is a thing of horrific beauty. This is the best animated show on Television right now.
Caprica (season 1)–
What a debut! Go ahead and call it boring but this is real sci-fi or, as Roman DeBeers on “Party Down” would say, ”hard sci-fi.” ’Star Trek”/”Battlestar” vet Ronald Moore’s (how’s that for nerd cred?) new show on the Syfy Channel is the stuff of pure cyberpunk storytelling full of noir heroes/antiheroes, ambiguous corporations, virtual reality nightmares, pagan cults, sexual Epicureanism and the dualistic hope/fear that technology can makes us more than human but at the same time reduce us to our savage cores. Advertised as a prequel series to “Battlestar,” “Caprica” distinguishes itself from its predecessor in almost every way possible. First off, instead of space, the show dives us into cyberspace. The show is set in a deceptive utopia (aren’t they all) and follows many charactersbut is, at its core, about two men struggling with loss. One (Eric Stoltz) is the most powerful man in the country (an ass-holier version of Bill Gates) and the other is a detective (Esai Morales). Both lose their children in a terrorist attack (curse you, one-true-God-ers!) and turn to the dark side. Oh, and there’s robots!
This show is not for the adventure seeking or, for that matter, the low-end of the “Battlestar Galactica” fan base that just want to see stuff blow up. While we all know the robots will eventually nuke the frack out of Caprica, this show of the same name posits the fascinating notion that Capricawasdestroying itself well before that apocalyptic end point. It also opens some really gritty philosophical questions relating to human memories. If a person’s essence can be downloaded, are they real? Do they have a soul? The show plays with such notions as Stoltz’s “dead” daughter exists as memories that inhabit the clunky form of a Cylon prototype while Morales’ equally dead daughter (Bill Adama’s sister by the way) becomes the Neo of Caprica’s virtual world. As much as I would love to blab on I’ll just say that an ambiguous and smart sci-fi show like this is real treasure because it usually never makes it out of the novel stage. ”Caprica” is for viewers who prefer something like ”Blade Runner” to “Star Wars.” Both are great in their own way but we tend to get way more of one than the other and I hope “Caprica” gets a fair shake even though I fear it won’t make it past season 1.5 which is set to air in January. Long live the new flesh.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force(season apple chin fur neck tie)–
“ATHF” saw a much welcomed resurgence in quality and to some degree did that by going back to basics. And by basics I mean random-ass shiz. The season’s meta friendly premiere episode was a gooey love letter to fans ejaculated out of Master Shake’s mighty phallic straw. That is his own super power after all. And it only got better from there culminating in a 100th episode celebration that is very much in keeping with the vibe of the show. I’ll just quote the synopsis “Shake tries to collect syndication money for completing the 100th episode. The Aqua Teens are forced to start a new series of episodes after they are threatened by the “100″ monster.” Perfect. Nothing else needs to be said really.
Doctor Who (series 6)–
Matt Smith is a bit of a creep. It doesn’t help that Smith, the tenth incarnation of The Doctor just replaced the best incarnation of the Doctor of all time played by, well, he whom I shall not name for I can’t bear the thought of him not being the Doctor. The upside to a lesser Doctor though is, first, THEY ARE ALL LESSER after all and, second, Smith actually got a lot better as the 13 episode season progressed and the lack of expectation is what freed the show up, allowing it to do its own thing in it’s own way. Smith’s Doctor grows on you through a playful mix of youthful mania, razor sharp intellect, scatter brained actions and, to counteract that, a touch of exhaustion and tiredness (he is 900 years old after all). The Doctor was not the only thing to improve. The overall plotting reached new heights. The show runner this season is of course Steven Moffat who I would argue is real genus behind the show all these years (Russell T. Davies is a huge wanker at times). Moffat scaled the scope down a notch while brilliantly adding more complexities and was wise to do so because in the past the series keep trying to one up itself and only tripping over its grandiose gestures in the process.
This season is more about ideas and characters (Amy Pond and her boyfriend are awesome companions) and even science. Erm, just try to forget the embarrassing Churchill/Dalek episode and underground Lizard people two parter when factoring in that compliment. Another cool aspect to this “new” “Who” is that we are given more implicit insights into the Doctor’s intelligence and problem solving abilities–when he uses the Tardis (which feels like a character at this point), for instance, he explains how and why he’s using it and it almost makes sense! Even the historical episodes proved to be a win for the show as it engages in far more than the usual self amusement “hey, look, it’s so-and-so, aren’t we clever.” Film director Richard Curtis wrote one of the series best historical episodes, a heartwarming van Gogh centered plot that playfully twists are notion of history and uses art to do so. It’s also a very touching episode. Oh, and the final episodes, a true past/present/future time travel juggling act, have more fun with the oddities of time travel than any other episode to date. I won’t spoil the fun except to say we finally begin to understand what it must be like to move through and change the nature of time. And it’s madness! As good as the show became, the best thing this season of “Who” did is ease my fears that the show could not go on without David Tennant. Ah!!!!!!!, see, he’s not even he who I shall not name anymore!
Lost (season 6)–
I had not been this excited/scared about a show ending since the good old days of “Buffy” season 7–full reactions/favorite episodes HERE. By the time ”Lost” ended for good though I, like many, had… mixed feelings. The show ultimately played it safe and even sentimental (the all-religion church is just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen; strangely enough, “Lost” has always been the most spiritual show with the least spiritual fan-base) but playing it safe also means not totally sucking and, thankfully, the show was able to ensure its legacy. Six was a good but far from great season that wasted a lot of time on unessential and/or underdeveloped plots (the temple episodes and ”Across the Sea” are among the series’ worst ideas) and characters (more agonizing Kate episodes, the mythology wrecking ball that is Zoe, and what was the point of Ilana?) only to scramble in the last quarter of the season to resolve/reconcile the complex mythology surrounding the stuff we actually care about. Still, I think when it ended we all learned the lesson that it’s not about the answers but the journey and, frankly, I’m kinda burned out on decoding ”Lost.” Teaching me to let go was the best gift this show could have given me after so many years. Leading up to this final season, seasons four and five were not just great but a perfect blend/execution/evolution of sci-fi, drama and mystery (it was my number one show last year) and I was sad to see the final season stop way short of that level of twisty genre sophistication. Still, I give season six credit because, again, I feel it kept the legacy intact without blowing it apart in a Jughead-like fashion. In The End this is a show that finally earned the right to be mentioned in the same breath as “Twin Peaks,” “X-Files” and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and regardless of how much or little you or I liked/disliked its final moments, season six had a big part to play in sealing “Lost’s” legacy. A show like this.
Dexter (season 4)–The most improved show of the year! I ranked “Dexter” season 3 and the early parts of season 4 quite low last year. And for good reason: it was not very good. Well, when season 4 finished I thought to myself ”wow.” Then thought ”Wowey, wow, wow, wow!” All my issues withdomestic Dexter (both the character and show) being dragged down and tamed by the “normal life” (children, wife, baby seats, BBQs ugh) was addressed with a blood curdling vengeance. With the prospect of a darker, angrier and single(er) Dexter Morgan (the great Michael C. Hall) I want season 5 to air so bad I can smell the blood. The season long arc of serial killer John Lighgow that Dexter clings on to (probably due to daddy issues) is far and away the series’ best long-form plot to date and even manages to surpass that little Ice Truck Killer incident. Lithgow gave what was the best performance of the year while reminding me in the process of his killer De Palma performances of the 80s and 90s. replaced.
Party Down (season 1 and 2)–
While it just bit the dust I have a feeling that history will be kinder to “Party Down” than almost any comedy on TV right now. While aesthetically similar to “The Office”, “Party Down” does what that show does not. It’s funny. Consistently so. It knows exactly how to utilize awkward-social-situation-at-work humor without constantly having to show-off at how clever it is to its audience. More reasons to love this show are, #1, it’s waaaaaaaaay better than any network sitcom shot in a similar style and that includes the overrated Emmy winner “Modern Family.” Reason #2: lead by Adam Scott and Ken Marino this is an ensemble show without a single weak link (even Megan Mullally, taking over for Jane Lynch, is a total gem of a character). Reason #3: if 80s movies taught us anything it’s that drug use in comedies is actually funny. Reason #4: this is a show about a work (a catering service) where no work gets down and that reminds me of “NewsRadio”; being reminded of “NewsRadio” is always a good thing. Reason # 5: Never has nerd rage been as vividly captured on film as by Martin Starr in this show. His use of the term “hard sci-fi” has become a running gag with me. For instance, is someone mentions “Avatar” I can now shoot back with a dismissive “Avatar sucks…. I’m all about HARD sci-fi.” As the embittered writer, Starr (“Freaks and Geeks,” “Adventureland”) was without a doubt the most entertaining character on television last season. He will be missed. So will this show.
Justified (season 1)–
Every week a U.S. Marshal played by Timothy Olyphant (reunited withhis ”Deadwood” cowboy hat) tracks down a criminal, chats with them, gets shot at and throws them in jail (or a morgue). His interactions withcriminals, more than his colleagues girlfriend, is what makes the show special. What’s so remarkable is how vividly these criminals are written and how cool the protagonist is. He respects them, you see, more than he does himself in a lot of ways. When faced with ambiguities, and there are a lot, he just smiles, keeps his opinions to himself and presses on. He is a classic western hero in that sense. The answer to how show runner Graham Yost pulls this all this off is simple: his show is adapted from an Elmore Leonard story and as we all know (or not), Leonard is the best dialogue writer on earth. Not just that but the writing team lead by Yost retains Leondard’s unique voice that is funny, humanizing and, while utilizing many cop conventions, is never conventional in its approach or execution. So, yeah, for those reasons as well as Walter Goggins as a born again criminal, ”Justified” is the coolest show on TV. It also gets points for revitalizing the Western on Television, something that has not happened since “Firefly.”
Fringe (Season 2)–
After I finished “Lost” I wiped my tears and cleaned up the apartment I destroyed out non-denominational church season six rage. Two minutes later I missed the hell out of “Lost” and not too long after that I scrambled to find a new sci-fi mythology-ish type show to fill the void or as I like to call it the cork in the middle of my island. Hum, there’s that “Fringe” show that looks almost good and rips off “X-Files” so okay, why not, game on. So I the watched two full seasons of “Fringe” this summer and… the show sucks. But its a delightfully fun suck that sucks in more ways that one: it sucked up my time! First off, the flaws prevent it from ever really taking off above many of the above and shows I’m listing. “Fringe” is a slave to its formula. The show is full of annoyingly predictable plot beats: a death or murder that’s paranormal in nature, then some small talk, them some detective work followed by thirty seconds of character development and/or banter (if we’re lucky, usually it’s only a few seconds), then action, then Michael Giacchino’s recycled “Alias” music, and finally a brisk resolution that usually ends with “and he did it with the power of his mind!” The character speaking that line is the best version of a modern of a mad scientist that we’ll ever get (John Noble) and he makes “Fringe” worth watching every week. You never know what he’s going to do even though you kinda always know what the show is. Noble’s son is played by Joshua Jackson who is also good but in a stoically charming, measured delivery Pacey from “Dawson’s Creek” sort of way. As for the lead character played by Anna Torv… well, she’s no Skully. She’s down right square in fact and posses so little charm and charisma that she practically vanishes before our eyes every time she’s on screen. But Torv’s blandness has a side effect in that it allows the two best characters on the show to feel all the more quirky and interesting. The episode titled “Peter” in which we finally get to see into Walter’s past tragedy involving his sick son and eventual dimension hopping betrayal of, well, himself (Walternate he is called, hehe) remains a highlight of television in 2010 and proves that this show is best when it doesn’t follow the formula. Even as it’s stuck in the fun-suck mode though “Fringe” is nothing less than the best procedural on TV (not saying much) because it’s comes up withgenuinely fun ways of mashing up the mystery formula with paranormal science.
Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 7)–
Look, this show is good enough to be ranked much, much higher on this list (at least up in the top ten if not top five) but after so many years I wanted to give some other shows a chance. The “Seinfeld” reunion was a near perfect season long story arc (it ranks up there with the Larry death and “Producers” season). I am amazed at how this comedy show has not even come close to wearing out its welcome. Every season is as fresh and funny as the last. Not even “Seinfeld” achieved that!
True Blood (season 3)–
This show is about the only thing keeping Vampires cool these days. Season three is almost over and half of it hasn’t as good as what I’ve come to expect from this deliberately trashy vampire show. The other half is brilliant trash. Sometimes I love the anything-goes feel of “True Blood” more than the given episode I may be watching. The camp, the sex, the goofy writing and of course the series the regulars are all decent but dodgy plotting (Merlot’s dog fighting family, that werewolf guy and his skank, Lafayette and Jesus romance plot etc.) in the early episodes and too many boring new characters brought this season down to a low even season two didn’t reach. And let’s face it, Bill and Sookie have become TV’s most predictable couple. For three seasons the two interspecies lovers have been stuck in a mindless triple-B pattern of bickering, banging and being apart. Over and over. And over. It’s really time for Sookie and Eric to give it a go because couples that hate each other are way hotter than whatever Bill and “Sukkkaaaaa” are into. Also, they are the new Buffy/Spike after all. But, yeah, ”Blood” redeemed itself big time in the season’s later episodes, proving it was still capable of offering up genuine surprises. Most of that is thanks to biggest bad ass-eist big bad of of all time, The King, played by character actor Dennis O’Hare. What happens when an infinitely powerful –and very gay– 3,000-year-old vampire snaps? “Blood” has an answer for that and it’s a really good one.
Code Geass: R2 (season 1)–
“Code Geass” was a great mech/messiah show because the human element was never lost amidst all the super cool (and strange) tactical robot battles. It’s sci-fi allthe way with a story about a British Empire taking over the world and a band of Japanese rebels lead by a powerful teen fighting back. While this kind of lingering post-war Japanese revisionist (future) history is hardly original, it kept the story alive with its imagination and use of action. R2, a second season/series of sorts improves almost everything that was great about the first series of episodes. It’s got enough tension, action, freaky Japanese sex stuff to keep Anime fanswell fed and the plot has showed a surprising increase in complexity and depth. It dosen’t hurtthat the series also borrowed from the best of “Death Note” (the #1 Anime show of all time) to tell its story about a bombastic protagonist (student by day, blah, blah, blah by night) slowly growing mad with power while balancing the burdens of the world on his shoulders.
Venture Brothers (season 4)–
GO TEAM VENTURE! “Venture Brothers” is really the most ambitious show on Cartoon Network. While I love all the postmodern head games that shows like “Aqua Teen,” “Robot Chicken” and “Metalocolypse” throw at us, “Venture” is so consistent in its storytelling bravado and so consistently funny to boot that it will go down as one of the greats. Yes, I’m ranking this show way too low this year but I do not do so out of any decrease in quality but purely because I am sad to admit that I missed most season 4 episodes when they aired. As usual Cartoon Network is asleep at the wheel when it comes to releasing DVD/Blu-Ray sets. Grr.
24 (season 8)–
The ups and downs in the life of poor Jack Bauer continue… for the last time. After a strong seventh season (gotta love the African terrorists that scuba dive their way into the White House) the show is going out on a down note but, once again, I’ve only seen about half the season and if I know anything about ”24″ it’s that even though I kinda know what it’s going to do, I NEVER know how well it’s going to do what its going to do. At any rate “24″ was smart to shift the setting to D.C. and New York in its final two seasons. And a special mention should go out to Keefer Sutherland who, year after year, doggidlychased after bad guys without ever appearing tired with the role. A man of action and regret, the barking Jack Bauer was often stuck on one note but, damn, what a great note to be stuck on. It’s just sad that the end of “Lost” stole so much thunder from the end of “24.” Across all mediums “24″ was able to carve out a remarkable benchmark for the action genre. It’s influence can even be felt in action movies. May the clank sound of “24′s” digital clock never be silenced.
Chuck (season 3)–
Season three sucked compared to one and two. Like, a major step down but I’m not sure if I can blame that on the Super Chuck plotlines which are usually exciting and as a bonus give Neo Chuck more to do than squeal in wimpy horror. Still, I kinda like the Chuck that couldn’t fight. Hell, I even liked the not-so-popular Brandon Routh. So why is this the worst season to date? To be honest I think it’s fatigue from the dragged out sexual tension between Chuck and Agent Walker. Is this show not aware of the “Moonlighting” curse? And am I the only one that wishes ”Chuck” bring back the unfairly shafted (literally) Kristen Kreuk? Now that I got that out of the way, yes, I LOVE CHUCK. Despite a lot of action it is by far the most fun and innocent show on television and I can’t wait to see Chuck vs. Season 4!
Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood (season 1)–
Nowhere near the golden era of FMA but a solid and fascinating anime show that reenvisions the previous series had it not diverged from the Manga. It’s such a rare thing too. A show that’s a remake of itself! Is it necessary? No. Am I glad to be treated to new(ish) episode from one of my favorite animated series of all time? Hell yeah! If only more Anime shows did the same.
Tim and Eric Awesome Show (season 4)
Great Job!
The IT Crowd (season 3)–
Have you tried restarting your computer?
Mad Men (season 3)–
Yeah, okay, I suck for not liking “Mad Men” more. Whatever. While season three is wonderfully crafted it is wonderfully crafted (acting, cinematography, production design etc.) in a way that is predictiable and a bit dull. Hum, that makes no sense but for some reason I think this is a show that has never really added anything to the near perfect first season. Same thing happened to “Six Feet Under.” So why am I still watching every episode? It’s like porn for smart people and while I am not smart I do love porn! There were many great moments like the final break-up in Don’s professional and personal life but also so much wasteful pretentions and indulgences that go nowhere. As an update, season four is looking to be, surprise, good but not earth shattering or worthy of all the gushing.
Smallville (season 9!)–
I’ll admit to missing the hell out of the show’s Doomsday season. That was among the best of the best of 2008/2009 television and I was not ashamed to admit that at the time, ranking the show as high as number 3 on my list last year. This season… was not. Not even close. “Smallville” has always been a hit or miss affair and it’s neo-Zod plot (he’s a clone, I think… I don’t even care to be honest) is decent but far from original as armies, alliances, frenemieswith Clark have all been done and done better in the past. The writing and season long plotting was very, very, VERY weak in a lot of places but the season performed the mini miracle of not making Clark and Lois a boring couple like the ones above (“Chuck,” “True Blood”). That’s especially amazing considering how irritating Lois has been all these years. Filler episodes in this series have always ranged between the bad and the unwatchable (good god, did they really make a haunted hotel episode this season?) but what disappointed me was that the usually strong key episodes (usually occurring during the opening of the season, sweeps an final episodes) were lacking the power that I have come to rely on. I’m still a fan and, even better than that, an optimistic fan. I have a really good feeling about the final “Smallville” season coming up but the beauty of this show is that even if it’s not very good, it’s still worth watching.
Vampire Diaries (season 1)–
At times better than “True Blood.” At other times worse than “Twilight.” This is one of the few instances where being the second best vampire show on TV isn’t a bad thing.
Human Target (season 1)–
For some reason action shows that don’t involve Jack Bauer don’t get much attention on mainstream television. Human Target looks to change that. Here’s hoping season two finds an audience.
I Watch Too Much TV I Need To Get A Life (season 1)
Not a show. Just talking about myself.

Not quite this season but had to mention: Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles–
I have to mention ”Terminator: SCC” because this is the year I finally finished the series and because I ranked it wayyyyyyy too low last year, having only seen a few season two episodes. If it came out this year it would have been the number one or two ranked show. Season two in its entirety is (…or, ugh, was) brilliant in an unexpected way and in a way that’s hard to figure out in terms of how could a show so middling turn out so heart wrenching tragic and action packed. I never could have guessed how good season two of this sadly canceled show would be. Yeah, it surpasses the first season sure but here’s the amazing thing: season two of this show is better than any “Terminator” movie! I’ve never truly connected with or loved the “Terminator” mythology until I finished the last season of this show which, along with “Party Down” is now officially the most tragically cut short series since “Firefly.” “I love you, John” is the final line of the show and couldn’t have said it better myself.

Most Improved in 2009/2010: Dexter
Most Un-Improved in 2009/2010:Smallville and Mad Men (the last time these two shows will ever be compared by anyone, anywhere)
Best New Show: Archer, Caprica and Party Down. Don’t make me pick just one. So many good new shows!
Show I Could Not Bring Myself To Watch That Might Be Good: Dollhouse. I’m the biggest Joss fan in the world but I have avoided this show. I knew it was going to fail and I knew it would not be anywhere close to his former glory. Maybe I’m wrong.
Show I Can’t Believe I Have No Interest In Given How Big Of A Nerd I Am: V
Best Talk Show: The Charley Rose Show
Best Reality Show: Hoarders, Mythbusters and Man vs. Food
Best Ensemble Cast: Damages followed very closely by Lost and Party Down.
Most Likable Actor in the Most Meh Show: Nathan Fillion in Castle.
Most Underrated Character: Chris Bauer (Det. Bellefleur) in True Blood.
Most Overrated Sitcom: Modern Family. I saw the first five episodes. So-so. Not sure how a show with very broad and “edgy” family humor won a best writing and best comedy Emmy. This show has tricked a lot of people into watching a freaking family comedy. It may be mildly amusing but it’s still a family comedy. It’s no “Arrested Development” that’s for sure.
Best Miniseries: Torchwood: Children of Earth.
Best Network: FX. Damages, Archer, It’s Always Sunny, Sons of Anarchy and Justified. You can’t beat that line up! Even though FX passed on Damages it’s the best network around and that’s not going to change next season (the new show “Terriers” looks great!).
Best Show of Next Season: I’m calling it… Walking Dead. It’s the best graphic novel around and there’s no way the show’s not going to be good.

Best Individual Episodes:

Lost, “Ab Aeterno” (the most important episode of Lost ever. It remains the best TV retcon episode ever.)
Breaking Bad, “Fly”
Archer “Honeypot” (the gay episode)
Dexter “The Getaway” (season finale)
Fringe, “Peter”
Aqua Teen Hunger Force, “Rabbit Redux”
It’s Always Sunny, “Paddy’s Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens”
Justified, “Pilot”
Doctor Who, “Vincent and the Doctor”
Party Down, (tie) “Nick DiCintio’s Orgy Night” and “Guttenberg’s Birthday”
Damages, “The Next One’s Gonna Go in Your Throat”
Torchwood, “Children of Earth” (didn’t include above b/c it’s not a full season).
Lost, “The Candidate”
Lost “Happily Ever After”
And of course the final two Doctor Who episodes.

The Worst Shows of 2009/2010:

Family Guy–I watch FG from time to time and am always surprised at how much it sucks. The 150th episode finds Brian and Stewey trapped in a bank and… yeah, that’s about as funny as it gets. This show sucks. It was once good. A long, long time ago. It is now bad. Very bad. The worst show on TV bad. I hate Family Guy!
American Idol
Entourage
The Jay Leno Show (late night and primetime)
Jersey Shore
The Office
Two and a Half Men
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Grey’s Anatomy
The Hills
Treme

Top TV Performances:

John Lithgow, Dexter
Terry O’Quinn, Lost
John “I have an erection” Noble, Fringe
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Glenn Close, Damages
John Hamm, Mad Men
Martin Starr, Party Down
Denis O’Hare (The King!), True Blood
Danny DeVito, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Martin Short, Damages
Michael C. Hall, Dexter
H. Jon Benjman, Archer (voice performance)
Timothy Olyphant, Justified
Michael Emmerson, Lost
Eric Stoltz, Caprica
Dana Snyder, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Squidbillies (voice)
Jared Harris, Mad Men
Elizabeth Moss, Mad Men
Nestor Carbonel, Lost
Alexander Skarsgård, True Blood (not a great actor, just really cool)
Megan Mallally, Party Down
Chris Bauer (Det. Bellefleur), True Blood
Ken Marino, Party Down
(real life) Cow, Fringe
Jesus, this list is a sausage fest.

Worst TV Performances:

Allison Janney as Zoe on Lost. More of a bad character than a bad performance. Still, never has a on-off character appearance come this close to ruining an entire show.
Evangeline Lilly on Lost
That Eggs guy form season two of True Blood.
Reality show actors–and, yes, they are all actors!
Julie Benz on Dexter (never been happier to see a loved one offed. Now about those kids…)
Blake Lively on Gossip Girl (can’t wait to see her suck at movies too! still, though, those boobs get an A++)

Shows I’ve Ranked #1 From the Last 10 Years:

(2000) Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 4/5
(2001) Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 6
(2002) Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 7
(2003) Angel season 5
(2004) Arrested Development season 1
(2005) Battlestar Galactica season 2.5
(2006) Aqua Teen Hunger Force season 5
(2007) Frisky Dingo season 2
(2008) Lost season 5
(2009/20010) B R E A K I N G B A D

Why Damages Should Have Won The Emmy For Best Drama: While watching the last episode of “Damages” it occurred to me that there has never been and may never will be again a lawyer show like “Damages.” It is, at its core, a show more about relationships than lawyers. It is also a brilliantly crafted thriller, yes, but more than that it’s all about tightly knit and wound and sometimes even choking connections lawyers make with themselves, with their lovers and with their clients. With a clenched intensity ”Damages” has the and ability to move past lawyer movie/show tropes and expose the people of this profession in the most illuminating and dramatically interesting ways possible. Sure, a unique lawyer movie such as Sidney Lumet’s “Night Falls on Manhattan” or TV show like “Murder One” and of course the original (and only good version of…) “Law & Order” are examples of the best this genre has to offer but I feel this is a genre that has never been as good as we’ve made it out to be. Until now.

The third season of “Damages” took a long, long time to get interesting but that’s why cable shows are often so much better. Where else could a show spend 9 episodes setting everything up? This show is afforded the luxury to buld like a movie rather than a show that needs to worry about high ratings on every episode and, lets face it, “Damages” never needs to worry about how many people are watching because the answer is always the same. None, and that’s a shame. The show, along with it’s now iconic protagonist Patty Hughes (Emmy winner Glen Close), oozed tension and venom. Taking a page from “Law and Order’s” “ripped from the headlines” playbook and crossing it with “Murder One’s” season long arc dealing with a single case this season of “Damages,” about the legal/political/personal aftermath of Bernie Maddoff pnozi scheme where a disgraced family continues to hide all those billions they stole, came together in ways that no other show, lawyer or otherwise, has before it. There are so many sins of the past, shadowy discresions and time jumps at play at any given moment that “Damages” managed to give “Lost” a real run for its money.

Unlike “Lost” this series ended on a high note rather than a safe one. Season three did not simply resolve its own inherently great and un-contrived topical plot, but those of season one and two that I forgot about such as Ellen Parson’s (always underplayed by Rose Byrne) husband’s deathand Patty’s true relationship withEllen! Same goes for Timothy Olyphant’s character from season two (he has since moved over to FX’s great “Justified”). Even Ted Danson’s character got to reprise his once central role in a handful of great episodes. By the end, this show’s ability to weave together all the plot points of seasons past and present and, here’s the key, organically pay off these many threads and stories withlogic, intensity and a lot of dramatic schadenfreude is astounding. All the characters get, more or less, what they’ve deserved and thaks to a last minute renewal and network shift (DirectTV) they will live to go through it all again.

Worst of 2009

Greg Douglass — Wed, 05 May 2010 07:12:13 +0000

The Absolute Worst Films of 2009

I’ve run out of good things to say about 2009 so after catching up on the bad things I am, after all these many months, finally ready to close the door on last year.

1.Lovely Bones (Peter Jakson)

A film so misguided and ill-conceived that it essentially undid all the greatness Peter Jackson was able to accomplish with his masterful, decade defining “Lord of the Rings” series. I didn’t think it possible but this movie surpassed Jackson’s God awful ”King Kong” fuckery. With “Bones,” Jackson takes an adaption about a dead girl “solving” her own murder. This could have been cool if only the filmmaker didn’t Spielbergize it to a point of nauseating candy coated proportions. The shallow as a grave and bare “Bones” film fails as a gritty mystery because characters sit around and mope rather than engage in any sort of investigation and the movie fails just as hard as a “What Dreams May Come” type of fantasy because characters sit around in a magical candy land and just sort of stair off into space. In the latter scenes, the film does little more than showcase its heavenly effects. The film not only gets the admittedly tricky tone surrounding dual realities connected by love (rolles eyes) all wrong but lays the schmaltz on so thick that it forgets (or fails) to give the viewer a proper sense of logic, purpose, reason, causality or motivation. Obviously this kind of story that requires the viewer to take a leap of faith and while I went into it with a total sense of openness, I found it impossible to do so because this forced, heavy handed and dramatically inept film doesn’t meet us half way or provide any reason for why we should take that leap. This may be the most passive mystery ever made! Like its main character, “Bones” is as dead as disco and yet also like her it never shuts the fuck up or gets real for even a second. ”We’re in heaven…. yaaaaaay” a fellow lost soul tells our wonderstruck heroine. If this is heaven then I’d rather be in hell. (full review)

2. Away We Go (Sam Mendes) “I can’t believe you told your mother about my tilted uterus.” “I didn’t know your tilted uterus was a secret.” ”Yes, my tilted uterus is a secret.” Wonderful. Okay then… two married, or dating (I don’t even remember) and self-described “fuck-ups”/non-self-described douche bags decide to travel around the country to “find themselves.” The two attention sponges played by a pregnant Maya Ruldoph and, um, a bearded John Krasinski get so much out of life and suck so much more out of it. And us! Their journey is a draining affair full of trite sentiments, forced indie music cuts, tacky humor and phony drama. Every line and plot action is performed in a precious, whispery aren’t we funny/cute/profound way that instantly activated my gag reflexes. The ponderous dramedy (directed by the overrated Sam Mendes with a screenplay by David Eggers of all people!) enables the 30-something angstaholics to a point of complicity. It’s not presenting their story but selling it and rubbing it in our faces. While this isn’t technically the “worst” movie of the year it is certainly the most annoying and definitely the most insincere hipster message movie since “Rachael Getting Married” and “Garden State” before it. A movie made for all those preening monkeys who grew up being told how important they are. (full review)

3. The Blind Side (John Lee Hancock)
“I never had one before,” “What, a room of your own?” “No……… a bed.” “The Blind Side” is not only biggest turd of the year but after a shameful best picture nomination/best actress win it’s the most unjustly celebrated turd of the year. This Republican wanking, pseudo inspirational sports drama has me convinced that people in general are way too easily inspired. Its ”based on a true story” (but not really) views on small towns, sports and race relations is archaic and down right creepy. After watching ”The Blind Side,” for instance, I learned that all white people are rich, that all black people need help from said all white people and that all black people are either on drugs or sell drugs. The film is that blank and white (no pun intended) about the world it exists in and the people that inhabit that world.
The (indirect? unintended?) racial condescension gets even creepier with its curious depiction of white saints treating its resident sad, black and perpetually moping lug of character (Quinton Aaron in a horrible performance of startling one dimensionality) as if he has no agency or power to help himself. Rather, he must be directly controlled, shaped, pitied, educated and generally ”fixed.” The firecracker Football Mom played by the untalented-as-ever Sandra Bullock determines that “that poor Michael is like a fly in milk at that place.” This giant sized teen, compared to an animal (or insect as it were) is literally turned into a pet project by her. And by the film as well which is as lazy as they get. The shrill and irritating Bullock (and her shrill and irritating family) seems to be thinking, “hey, this boy’s black and big so lets put a football in his hands” as if that’s all a person like this can offer the world. Oh, but don’t worry, the film also allows it’s black character to be a bit racist. Apparently white folk, with their books and food and, oh wow look at that, beds, are “weird.” I can almost see his point. As bad as things get, black and white Amreica come together at the end thanks to football, the prospect of money and of course Jesus. “You’re changing that boy’s life,” Bullock is told by an ego stroking cronies. ”No……………………………… HE’S Changing ours” she responds in a line that illustrates the trite nature of the screenplay. Bravo assholes, like the movie “Crash” (another racist classic starring America’s Most loved Nazi lover) the one thing this sub-TV movie manages to do when it comes to racial relations is make me dislike all races involved.

4. G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra (Steven Sommers)
Worst “Hollywood” movie of the year. In fact, as soulless, disjointed and jagged as almost anything Michael Bay has ever done. Ironically, 2009 was the year Bay actually made a halfway good movie–literally, though, only about half of “Transformers 2″ could qualify as being watchable but that’s a full 50% more than “G.I. Joe.” Everything about this film is awkward and stiff and, that being said, you won’t be surprised to learn that director Steven Sommers also made “Van Helsing.” Well, he managed to top himself! Star of tomorrow (and that’s really true than kill me now) and expert non-actor/male stripper Channing Tatum sucked harder here than his after hours activities at his previous job. And if it’s possible Marlon Waynes’ “that’s whack!” token black side-kicked sucked even harder. Did anyone survive unscathed? Yeah actually, Joseph Gordon Levit plays such an over-the-top, Darth Vader-ish heavy that he gave what’s either the worst performance of the year or some just sort of a brilliantly self aware “bad” performance on par with Marlon Brando in “The Island of Dr. Moreau,” Bill Murray in ”Charlie’s Angels” and Robert De Niro in “Rocky and Bullwinkle.

5. Jennifer’s Body (Karyn Kusama)
Yes, I like “Juno.” No, I don’t like Diablo Cody. Her name at this point in her “career” is a punchline and the joke was this shitty shitty film she wrote. This teen horror movie tries sooooo hard and goes sooooo nowhere that it makes “New Moon” look like a Bergman movie.

6. Up in the Air (Jason Reitman)
Speaking of “Juno,” did I mention how much I dislike Jason Reitman? For putting George Clooney in a rare bad movie he can never be forgiven. I’m serious: Steve Gagen and I are still not on speaking terms after “Syriana.” The film tries to be socially relevant and comes off socially inept. Any film with this amount of insincere sincerity is almost guaranteed to land a spot on my top ten. To make matters worse this film also tries to be funny and comes off cloying. It tries to be dramatic and comes off… the rails. I’m shocked that it managed to be both popular and respected. (full review)

7. Paper Heart (Nicholas Jasenovec)
This nugget of indulgent indie hipster bullshit was saved but the bigger and stinkier piece of indie hipster bullshit that was “Away we Go.”

8. Taking Woodstock (Ang Lee)
Ang Lee is such a hard director to figure out. He’s capable of mighty feats of technical skill like “Crouching Tiger…”, gritty American dramas like “The Ice Storm” and rich period melodramas like “Brokeback Mountain,” and ”Ride with the Devil.” He’s also really good at fucking good things up. The stylized “Hulk” and noir “Lust, Caution” are both virtually unwatchable. “Taking Woodstock” belongs in that second category of Ang Lee movies. It’s not just bad but his opus of fuck-ups. It’s hard to watch but at the same time hard to stop watching because it’s so not cool.

9. Brothers (Jim Sheridan)
“The Hurt Locker.” “The Messenger.” For a genre that has no good movies to its name, Iraq War 2 movies gave us two good ones in 2009! The rarest of streaks was cut short by Hacky McHacksalot’s (aka Jim Sheridan) ”Brothers.” This is not so much a bad movie as it is a really boring and biteless one. It plays it safe and plays it contrived. At the heart of the film’s problems is a miscast Toby Maguire who stars as a hardened (really?) soldier taken hostage while his wife paints her new kitchen with his boner hiding brother. THEN HE COMES HOME! The terrorists should have done us all a favor and not given him back.

10. Fireproof (Alex Kendrick)
HahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahaha
…(gasp)…ha. Married characters haven’t been this annoying since “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.” But at least that film had action and guns and shit. This one has fire fighters and Jesus.

11. Up (Pete Doctor)
Clear your mind and pretend you know nothing of Pixar or “Up” and just listen for a second. So there’s an old guy and his wife dies that bums him all out so he, well, he gets a bunch of balloons and, um, attaches them to his house and the house floats up and up and up in the air and, whoops, there’s a chubby Asian Boy Scout in the house too and so… uh, the house floats to an exotic land and almost lands but doesn’t quite land and the two jump off and find a rare bird that like chocolate and the three go on to meet an other old guy who has a blimp and hunts said exotic chocolate eating birds and, oh, he also has an army of talking dogs. THAT GOT AN OSCAR NOMINATION. THAT GOT TONS OF CRITICAL RESPECT. THAT MADE A LOT OF MONEY. PEOPLE LOVE THAT MOVIE.

12. Miss March (someone directed this?)
Gave it a shot because it made AV Club’s number #1 worst movie of the year. Now I wish I was shot.

13. Julie & Julia (Norah Ephron)
Only the Julie part makes the list. Amy Adams as an aspiring chef/nagger is hard to stomach. Here I was all ready to watch a movie about a historic figure and instead got one about a self obsessed blogger that leaches off a historic figure and screams at her husband for not being supportive enough. The effect this had was strange because the better Meryl Streep is in this movie (and she’s good), the more I ended up disliked it because it’s not really her movie at all. New rule: the only time Amy Adams should be allowed to be in a movie with Meryl Streep she better be playing a nun.

14. I Can Do Bad All By Myself (Tyler Perry)
So can Tyler Perry. I’m so sick of Perry’s that I’m not going to even bother watching his movies at this point, I’ll just put them on this list with the total confidence that they belong on it. Why are people so afraid to call Perry out on his hackiness?

15. The Burning Plain (Guillermo Arrigaga)
From the writer of the films “21 Grams” and “Babel” comes a film just as bad as “21 Grams” and “Babel.” Here’s the lesson and it’s a lesson worth learning. When a bad film is pointlessly rearranged, it becomes an even worse film.

16. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Gavin Hood)
Almost had me missing the glory days of Brett Ratner. (full review)

17. Hanna Montana: The Movie (Peter Chelsom)
I’m not admitting to watching this movie. I’m only admitting that I didn’t like it. Draw your own connections if you must.

18. Mutant Chronicles (Simon Hunter)
Mutants, mutants never change. You would think a movie with Ron Pearlman, Thomas Jane and a shit load of mutants AND the apocalypse AND a giant hole in the earth where the mutants came from would be really cool. This movie is not really cool. It’s really stupid.

19. Year One (Harold Ramis)
No… more…

20. Land of the Lost (Brad Silbering)
…bad comedies!

Not Quite On The List but Not Quite Off The List:New Moon (dir. Chris Weitz)
Proof of how hard it is to mess up a story about vampires. This film is not bad but it’s such a lazy, you’re-going-to-pay-to-see-regardless-of-quality sequel that one has to admire the almost total lack of effort that went into the making of it. And this is coming from the director of the beautifully crafted (and underrated) “Golden Compass.” I can’t blame Chris Weitz though because he was clearly rushed by a studio that doesn’t give a blood sucking shit about quality. Summit is milking this bloated cow till it runs dry and they are wise to do so because they know that a few years from now it’s not going to hold up and that millions of girls of all ages are going to wake up out of this daze they’ve been in these last few years, hate themselves, then probably move on to a worse fad.
“New Moon” is lightweight and very dumb but harmlessly so. The amazing thing about this series, book and movie, is how it attracts haters as much as it does fans. I love watching non-fans or as I like to call them “normal people” get all worked up about the creepy social message this series upholds. Girls apparently can’t function without an abusive man in their life. The message is rancid and the across-the-board performances (except the dad, who is always cool somehow) do not help things either. Bella, played by a pouty Kristen Stewart, is such an infuriating twit that I found myself dreaming of Buffy coming to town and kicking the brooding shit out of her (then, of course… lesbian sex). Buffy was into an vampire asshole too but she MOVED ON. Bella is such a needy creature that I don’t think independence is possible for her. Ah, it’s just so fun to snark on this movie! This is a movie instantly ready for Rifftrax. Had the above commentary been released in theaters it might have out grossed the actual movie.

Worst Lines of the Year:

A character gets stabbed. “My tit,” she whispers. ”No…………your heart” her friend tells her. Jennifer’s Body, keeping it real. A very profound and subtle statement Diablo, you are a true feminist.
“You’re changing that boy’s life,” “No……………………………… HE’S changing ours.” Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side.
“You’re lime green jell-o and you can’t even admit it to yourself.” Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body.
“I SEE YOOOOOOOOUUUUU,” Sam Worthington in Avatar.
“You’re my only reason to stay alive……..if that’s what I am.” Edward in New Moon
“I can’t believe you told your mother about my tilted uterus!” Maya Ruldoph in Away We Go.
“Every second I am with you is about restraint… and you’re too fragile.” Edward (again) in New Moon.
“You can’t trust vampires… trust me.” Edward (again, again) in New Moon
“Bella, you give me everything just by… breathing” Edward (uh huh, again) in New Moon
“We’re in………………. HHHHHEEEEEEAAAAAVVVVEEEENNNNN! Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!” Some stupid dead kid in Lovely Bones.
“You never leave your partner! Especially in a fire!” Kirk Cameron, as a fireman, in Fireproof using a fantastic fire metaphor for his marriage. What a dick.

Top Ten Suprisingly Non-Bad “Bad” Movies

The Box–destined to be either cult classic or a film people try their best to forget.
Crank: High Voltage
Knowing
Taken
Pandorum
Gentlemen Broncos
Push
Gamer and Law Abiding Citizen (Two three star Butler movies brings up the grand total of watchable Butler movies to three. He still sucks though.)
Funny People (Well funny until the lame third act where I found myself hoping Adam Sandler would get cancer again and stop making out with his boring ex wife. Hum, third act problems, where have I see that before, who directed this movie again?)
Bandslam–a lot of cheese here but ”Bandslam” is still one of the best High School/music movies around.
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans–as Michael Sheen vampire movies go, better than “New Moon.”
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

Worst Directing

Peter Jackson’s Lovely Bones
Stephen Sommers’ G.I. Joe
Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad…
Karyn Kusama’s Jennifer’s Body
Sam Mendes’ Away We Go

Worst Performances

Worst of the Worst: Channing Tatum in ”G.I. Joe.”
Picture a Ken doll that sounds like Markey Mark from the 90s… and add zero acting ability, personality and charisma and you have an idea of Channing’s first big splash in the industry. Really, it’s more of a dribble though. Tatum is so bad that he transformed G.I. Joe from one of the worst films ever made to one of the worst films ever made EVER.
Megan Fox, Jennifer’s Body and Transformers 2
Head overruled other head on that vote.
Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air
How did this false performance earned Oscar nomination I will never understand)
Sam Worthington, Avatar/Terminator Salvation
Sam Worthington can’t ruin every movie this year too, can he? Can he?! Oh shit, he gonna isn’t he!
Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side
She seems nice, let’s give her an Oscar.
Sandra Bullock’s annoying fucking son (Jay Head… yes that’s his real name) in The Blind Side
A special place in hell is reserved for this little shit.
Sandra Bullock’s 300 lb pet project (Quinton Aaron) in The Blind Side.
The master of one expression and one expression only. Here it is folks.
Ms. mopes-alot Stewart in New Moon
The most mentally crippled character in “literary” history successfully parlayed her mind numbing into the cinema thanks to Kristen Stewart’s perpetually off-putting, sad sack mumbling sappy stupid performance.
Toby, we need you to play someone who is very dull and not quite in touch with his emotions. Toby: …………………I can do that.
Tyler Perry in EVERYTHING
This year he had the distinction of sucking in not just his own movies (he did, what, six last year?) but Star Trek too!
Robert Pattenson in New Moon
Marlyn Waynes, “G.I. Joe.”
Dude, you’re not funny.
Michael Gambon in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
Getting better just as he got, um, dead. And that getting better accounts for why he’s so low on this list cuz Gambon (normally a great actor) as Dumbledore is usually way higher.
Vin Diesel in Fast and Furious
This character went from charming in a very campy way in the first THE Fast and THE Furious to macho desperation in Fast and Furious.
Hillary Swank in Amelia
No words, just pictures.
Maggie Grace in Taken
Maggie Grace (from Lost) is young and hot and a girl yet after watching this movie in which she plays a bubbly teen that gets kidnapped it is as if she has never been all three of these things. Okay only two, she’s still hot.
Liv Shriver in X-Men: Origins
The normally good Shriver takes all the teeth out of Sabertooth’s character. He’s just dull. I never thought I would miss the wrestler that played Sabertooth almost ten years ago but… here we are.
Chris Pine in Star Trek.
Capt. Kirk as a frat boy douchbag.
Michael Jackson in This is It
Oh, he wasn’t acting. Then what was he doing exactly?
Leslie Mann in Funny People
Ruined so many comedies that Mann has now earned the right to be called the Mia Farrow of this generation.
Morgan Freeman in Invictus
Oh, come on people he was horrible in this tepid movie. I love Freeman, but this is not a good performance, it’s him talking slow, going on walks and staring off into a rugby field.

Most Overrated Film of the Year:
Avatar, followed very closely by Up. Avatar is the better movie (I still stand by my B-) but it’s shallow conventions and down right annoying moments get more and more apparent with every viewing. Up, however, was annoyign from the beginning and never looked back.

2008′s Worst Films (because I didn’t do one last year for some reason)

Rachael Getting Married
Audience Getting Fucked.
Paranoid Park
Gus Van Sant at his art houseiast worst. Meandering tone poem about blank teenagers that has all the feel and personality of an indie wax museum of people, places and events I would never want to see, go to or experience. GVS tries to pass the blankness as thoughtful reticence of youth but it’s really just bad, pardon non, pardon natural acting crippled by enabling directing. I love when the director meanders (Last Days and Gerry are modern classics) but with this film he wanders off the edge.
Slumdog Millionaire
The most overrated film of 2008 and the most overrated Best Picture winner since “Crash.” Almost every note the film hits is false. Cinematography, screenplay, music, acting and Danny Boyle’s lame use of style for the sake of style are all grating. I thought it would take a few years for this Oscar winning film to be forgotten but we’re pretty much at that point now. I don’t know if you got the memo but it’s officially not cool to say you like this film.
Zach and Muri Make a Porno
Another year another bad Kevin Smith movie. Kevin Smith: please go away. Not going anywhere, are you? Oh, you still have fans, good for you! Okay then just roll out Cop Out 2 and Clerks 3 and, fuck it, how about a Mallrats sequel. Smith is novelty director and the novelty wore off, oh, I’d say about fifteen years ago.
The Reader
To be honest I forgot why I hated this film so much in 2008 but rather than watching this prestige POS again I’m just going to go with my gut. Pretentious: yeah. Profound: no.
Righteous Kill and 88 Minutes
These two 2008 films from John Avnet are so bad that users in the wasteland that is the IMDB message boards are calling for his death. Ouch, but, gotta say… not completely out of line.
Punisher: War Zone
Hey, not all comic book movies in 2008 were happening. Some were just bad (Hulk 2-ish) and some, like Punisher, were just the worst. Just about the only thing this Punisher was able to kill effectively was any chance that they’ll ever make another Punisher movie again.
Speed Racer
Speed Racer is a beautiful film. Speed Racer is a horrible beatuiful film.
Sex and the City
To quote Jack Nicholson: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Leatherheads
Clooney, what happened? To build upon my “Up in the Air” mini-rant: For directing George Clooney in a rare bad movie, George Clooney can never be forgiven.

and let’s not forget…

Seven Pounds, Quantum of Solace, The Eye, Prince Caspian, The Mummy 3, Mirrors, The Bank Job, the second half of Wall-E, Get Smart, Harold and Kumar 2, Mamma Mia, Saw V and no doubt if I had been brave enough to watch The Love Guru and Fool’s Gold both would probably be on this list.

Best of 2009: More of the Best

Greg Douglass — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 01:41:16 +0000

Click for full list.

Directing

James Grey’s Two Lovers
Lars von Trier’s Antichrist
Quentin Tarentino’s Inglourious Basterds
Michael Heneke’s White Ribbon
Kathryn Bigelow’s The Hurt Locker
Chan wook Park’s Thirst
Duncan Jones’s Moon
Roy Anderrson’s You, The Living
Jane Campion’s Bright Star
Coen Brother’s A Serious Man
John Hillcoat’s The Road

Writing

QT’s Inglorous Basterds
Armando Iannucci and co.’s In the Loop
James Grey’s Two Lovers
Coen Brothers’ A Serious Man
Alessandro Camon and Oren Moveman’s The Messenger (a better story than Hurt Locker!)
Duncan Jones and Nate Parker, Moon
Woody Allen, Whatever Works (oh, shut up, the writing in that shit is tight)

Favorite Performances

Sam Rockwell in Moon–one of the best one-man-performance movies ever. No other actor put as much in a role as Rockwell did. He not in the movie, he is the movie. Rockwell needs his due.
Charlotte Gainsburrow and Willem Dafoe in Antichrist
Kang-ho Song in Thirst–Easily my favorite international actor. The best vampire performance since Willem Dafoe in “Shadow of the Vampire.”
Viggo Mortensen in The Road–History of Violence, Eastern Promises, The Road. Wow.
Cristoph Waltz in Inglorous Basterds
Peter Capaldi in In the Loop–”Climbing the mountain of conflict”? You sounded like a Nazi Julie Andrews!”
Melenie Lorrent in Inglorous Basterds–Nobody could have seen either Lorrent (or Waltz) coming. While he stole the show, the movie belonged to her.
Joaquin Phoenix in Two Lovers
Jeremy Renner in Hurt Locker
Tilda Swinton in Julia
Colin Firth in A Single Man–This is what happens when a great actor finally gets a great role.
Woody Harrelson in The Messenger and Zombieland–Great fun in Zombieland, great sad in Messenger. Harrlson plays crocked eyed wild in both but his crying scene in the later is one of the best dude crying scene in recent memory.
Jason Cope in District 9–If only the movie was as good as the performance.
Samantha Morton in The Messenger–One of the best actresses working. What baffles me is how few talked about how good she was in this film.
Bill Murry in Zombieland and Limits of Control–Most leading performance did not contain as much brilliance as Murray’s five or so minute scenes in these two movies.
Nick Cage in Knowing and Bad Leutenent–A laughable actor in two laughably good films. Bad Lt. specifically figured out Cage in a way few films have.
Paul Schneider in Bright Star
Abbie Cornish in Bright Star ?
Mimi Kennedy in In the Loop
Jeffery Dean Morgan in Watchmen

Cinematography

Javier Aguirresarobe, The Road
Anthony Dod Mantle, Antichrist (hereby forgiven for being the DP on Slumdog)
Bruno Delbonnel, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
Joaquin Baca0-Asay, Two Lovers
Robert Richardson, Inglourious Basterds
Roger Deakins, A Serious Man

Best and/or Most Iconic Lines

“I can’t stand to see a woman bleed from the mouth. It reminds me of that Country and Western music which I cannot abide.” In the Loop
“Chaos reigns.” Antichrist
“Wait for the crème.” Inglorous Basterds
“You don’t speak Spanish, do you?” Limits of Control
“My name is Shosanna Dreyfus and THIS is the face of Jewish vengeance!” Inglorous Basterds
“I failed John Keats. I did not know until now how tightly he wound himself around my heart.” Bright Star (that line gets me every time)
“What are these fucking iguanas doing on my coffee table!” Bad Lieutenant
“I can’t say enough times, whatever love you can get and give, whatever happiness you can filch or provide, every temporary measure of grace, whatever works.” Whatever Works
“Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray!” Zombieland
“His soul is dancing.” Bad Lieutenant
“Is Doc Miles gonna have to choke a bitch?” Crank: High Voltage
“Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?” Funny People
And this one from A Serious Man…

Larry Gopnik: So, uh, what can I do for you?
Clive Park: Uh, Dr. Gopnik, I believe the results of physics mid-term were unjust.
Larry Gopnik: Uh-huh, how so?
Clive Park: I received an unsatisfactory grade. In fact: F, the failing grade.
Larry Gopnik: Uh, yes. You failed the mid-term. That’s accurate.
Clive Park: Yes, but this is not just. I was unaware to be examined on the mathematics.
Larry Gopnik: Well, you can’t do physics without mathematics, really, can you?
Clive Park: If I receive failing grade I lose my scholarship, and feel shame. I understand the physics. I understand the dead cat.
Larry Gopnik: You understand the dead cat? But… you… you can’t really understand the physics without understanding the math. The math tells how it really works. That’s the real thing; the stories I give you in class are just illustrative; they’re like, fables, say, to help give you a picture. An imperfect model. I mean – even I don’t understand the dead cat. The math is how it really works.
Clive Park: Very difficult… very difficult…
Larry Gopnik: Well, I… I’m sorry, but I… what do you propose?
Clive Park: Passing grade.
Larry Gopnik: No no, I…
Clive Park: Or perhaps I can take the mid-term again. Now I know it covers mathematics.
Larry Gopnik: Well, the other students wouldn’t like that, would they, if one student gets to retake the test till he gets a grade he likes?
Clive Park: Secret test.
Larry Gopnik: No, I’m afraid…
Clive Park: Hush-hush.
Larry Gopnik: No, that’s just not workable. I’m afraid we’ll just have to bite the bullet on this thing, Clive, and…
Clive Park: Very troubling… very troubling…

Music

Clint Mansell, Moon (one of the best composers around)
Hanz Zimmer, Sherlock Holmes(Hanz is back!)
Christopher Young, Drag me to Hell
Nick Cave and Warren Ellis, The Road
Joe Hisaishi, Ponyo
Abel Krozeniowski, A Single Man (see, it’s possible to sound like Phillip Glass w/o being as annoying as him)
Mike Patton, Crank: High Voltage
Michael Giacchino, Star Trek (much, much better than his Up score)

Editing

Mark Jakubowicz and Fernando Villena, Crank: High Voltage
Sally Menke, Inglourious Basterds
Anders Refn, Antichrist
Jon Gregory, The Road
Ant Boys (real name?) and Billy Sneddon, In the Loop

Best Set Piece
Pretty much any sequence in Hurt Lucker.
The bar scene in Basterds which is not even really a set piece… which is why it’s such a good set piece!

Best Nekkedness
That girl in Jarmish’s Limits of Control that was naked for like the whole movie!

Liam Neeson from Taken vs. Jason Stathem from Crank
I can’t, I can’t, it’s like choosing between my two (really buffy) kids. Okay, Chev wins the fight but only because he can’t really be killed.

Best Horror
Antichrist, best of the year, which makes it two years in a row for the horror genre.
Best Vampire Movie: Thirst
Best Zombie Movie: Zombieland

Best Sci-fi
The Box and Knowing

Funniest Movie
In the Loop

Best TV Movie
Caprica… long live the new/old flesh!

Best 3D Movie
Still not Avatar so Coraline it is!

Best Ensemble Performance

Basterds–Pitt, Waltz, Lorrent etc.
Moon (not New Moon!)–Rockwell, Rockwell, Rockwell and Robot.
Bright Star–Cornish, Winshaw, Snyder, Fox.

Best Non-Human Performance

Kevin Spacey in Moon. Robot.
Jason Schwartzman in Fantastic Mr. Fox. Fox (better in clay than he was in flesh in Funny People)
Up‘s talking dog. Dog.
Jim Carrey in Christmas Carol. Um, human.
Dakota Fanning as Coraline.

Best Video Game Performance/Voice Acting

Nolan North in Uncharted 2
Mark Hamill in Batman Arkham Asylum
Cammy in Street Fighter IV (not good, just like looking at the booty)

Finally, check later in the week for the final installment if the best, before I get to the worst that is.

Best of 2009: The Best Films of the Year!

Greg Douglass — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 05:06:49 +0000

1. Antichrist
Director: Lars von Trier

This film reminds me of Dante’s famous quote ”Abandon all hope, ye who enter here” about his fictional descent into hell. His character had it easy. In what became far and away the most original (and hated) movie of 2009, “Antichrist” established its own rules, created it’s own visual discourse and pissed off just about anyone who watched it in the process. This film divided to a point of anarchy, proving to me that some of the worst films of all time are, to others, some of the best and most interesting. It can be called a lot of things: the worst film of the year, torture porn, misogynistic, an art house version of “Saw,” “The Shining” on acid and even perhaps just a string of curse words. Okay, so I made all that up up but at the top of the list of things I would call “Antichrist” is the best film of the year.

Set in the aftermathof the accidental death of their child, “Antichrist” features just two characters (“He” and “She”) as they experience the stages of loss that include grief, pain and despair. In an effort to be “normal” again they head to the archetypal site of the fallow woman’s fears, the woods, a place in the middle of nowhere or, perhaps, middle of everywhere if you were to take the philosophical approach that these two characters are removing themselves from civilization to a cabin called Eden. This is a staggering and absurd work of dissonant visual poetry that pompously wages nothing less than the true nature of mankind and questions his/her place in “Eden.” The sinister beauty of nature certainly provokes strong emotions and the film’s heightened sense of formalism is a contentious matter of film geek debate. Some find the stylistic oddities unnerving and mean while other are inspired by the aggressively bold stance writer/director Lars vonTrier takes. Though the haters seem to outnumber the lovers by a large margin, the lovers love it by a larger margin. This is a film worth fighting over and while I feel the love I also understand where the hate comes from (this film is ridiculous) but at the same time hope that the anti-Antichristers understand that the film was made to provoke us into an feverish hatred of ourselves, others, the film we’re watching and most importantly the person behind the movie who wants us to hate all of the above. To hate it, in other words, is to validate its reason for existing. That alone does not make it any better but the goal here is to get past objective feelings of hate or love to arrive at some sort of truth in the object of art. That’s what “Antichrist” is all about and, really, that’s what movies are about.

Having never been a huge fan of Lars von Trier, this is the film where I feel he finally arrived director of tangible substance. In the past he effectively hid behind his own self-amused experiments and ironic melodramas but emphatically buries the “realism” of that pre and post-Dogme. “Antichrist” backs up its dark themes, subjects and symbols with a unique aesthetic approach that one can look at and debate until the end of cinema itself which can’t be too far off. I found this transcendentally down and dirty experience to be anything but cold, sexist or nihilistic as politically correct critics are quick to point out in an effort to discredit this movie. Another common slam is the (mis)reading that “Antichrist” is nothing more than a misogynistic battle of the sexes where the probing and rape-like intellect of man (Willem Dafoe–is there a better or more beautifully angular face in the movies today?) brutalizes the atavistic irrationality of woman (the bony perfection of Charlotte Gainsborough). Sure that’s one level of what’s going on but that is also a naive and reductionist reading that fails to take into account the notion that this is a film about artificial divisions that we make. Mankind’s arrogant assumption that “nature is Satan’s church” or that s/he is separate from or better than nature is what ultimately leads to the decay of what makes us human in the first place. Through the filter of horror of all things this film captures the existential pain of our banishment from Eden by returning us there and showing us how far we’ve fallen. In regards to gender issues as well as the man vs. nature theme, the film disavows dividing traits in it’s thesis that nature –the ugly side as well as the beautiful– is in man just as man is in woman (sometimes literally) and vice versa. To resist nature and to resist our nature is to kill it. The final, bleak summation that “chaos reigns” in the end makes the appropriately titled “Antichrist” the most disturbing film about the dark side of humanity ever made. Also the most howlingly ridiculous considering that bit of wisdom is coming from a talking fox that just ate its own tail.

2. Two Lovers
Director: James Grey
Continuing the trend of tortured relationships, “Two Lovers” boasts two separate dysfunctional romances for the price of one! This is a profound work from one of America’s greatest and most underrated filmmakers, James Grey. “Two Lovers” is at once classic filmmaking/storytelling that recalls the great romances of the 50s and 70s and yet totally fresh in its approach to the genre through its dark tones, heavy technical mastery (romances are never this well made) and uniquely neurotic outlook that adds layers of meaning to a story that features real adults and real complexities. Grey is a director that previously worked in one genre, crime, and did it well, but here shows his true colors as a hopeless and helpless romantic. It’s his best work to date and that’s saying something because 2008′s “We Own the Night” is one of the decade’s best. The film got swept under the rug thanks to the hobo looking Joaquin Phoenix’s bizarre antics but lets face it, the real problem was the general impossibility to market an American romantic film that doesn’t appeal to US Weekly readers. The title is pretty much exactly what the film is about but if neither of those “two lovers” are Sandra Bullock why should we care? Romance is a crippled genre that was able to stand on its own two legs for a brief moment before it was brushed aside. I would bet anything that “Two Lovers” will be discovered in the years to come because it has to. A film this good, this well made, this human and this touching can’t go unnoticed, it just can’t. From the performances (Phoenix, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Vanessa Shaw), to the cinematography and right on down to the subtly brilliant sound design (rain, thunder and fish tanks!) that puts you in Leonard’s bipolar and love struck world, “Two Lovers” is the best genuine love story I’ve seen in years, maybe ever, and the best American movie of the year.

3. Inglourous Basterds
Director: Quentin Tarentino
Tarentinoowned the 90s and set himself loose on the 00s with, in the words of his Bible quoting character, “great vengeance and furious anger.” After he worked up the nerve to return to movies post “Jackie Brown” and got the revenge epic “Kill Bill” as well as that little road trip revenge movie (… that people don’t like to talk about) out of the system, QT turned to this inwardly epic WWII fantasy story about (but not really) a band of Nazi hunting Jews seeking, you guessed it, revenge. To call it a brilliant piece of filmmaking would not do it justice because, more than anything, it is a brave piece of filmmaking. Brilliant because of what it is and brave because of what it does or, rather, what it does not do. While the renegade basterds are a bat wielding force that “the Germans will talk about” and “fear,” “Inglourous Basterds” is not a typical “war movie” and it is not the revenge movie that “Kill Bill” or “Death Proof” are.

Forget about the fact that the film contains the unstoppable Basterds and not one but two separate (and simultaneous!) plots to overthrow Hitler (a brilliant plot detail by the way), all the pivotal moments contain nothing more than a few characters talking to each other at a table. From the masterful opening scene set in a farm to the subtle but hair raising strudel scene where the theater owning Jewish girl hiding in the farm is now being interviewed by her family’s killer to host Hitler movie night, to the tense (and wickedly extended to De Palma-size proportions) bar sequence to, finally, the moment of ultimate truth/truce where a discussion between the great Jew Hunter (Christoph Waltz) and lead basterd Brad rewrites the course of the modern (fake) history. Here’s the genus: more than guns, dynamite, the Jew Hunter’s choking hand or even Brad Pitt’s big ass knife that he uses to carve a swastikas on the foreheads of Germans so that they can forever bear the mark of their evil, Tarentino’s weapon of choice is the explosive power of celluloid and transformative nature of cultural and ideological discourse. In Tarentino’s universe, film itself is the catalysis that changes world events by literally transforming its audience. Film canisters set the world on fire while the theater holds us all trapped but riveted. Now there’s an alternate universe I would much rather live than the one we’re stuck in.

4. Thirst
Director: Chan Wook Park
Vampires are big and this film could care less. Similar to my number one film of 2008, this gorgeous anti-love story (another “Bad Romance” makes the list!) rewrites the vampire movie rules of narrativity, myth making and visual presentation. In a world dominated by brain dead “Twilight” fans, “Thirst” madeliving in a vampire-centric culture a little easier in 2009. It blazes on with a blatant disregard for fluffy vampire lore and sparkling heroes. Directed by Chan-wook Park (he of the Vengeance Trilogy fame), “Thirst” is a perverse morality tale about a priest, the always great Kang-ho Song, who gets infected by this “virus” while on a pilgrimage, becomes a religious icon in his country, looses faithin God, grows bored withthe prospect of eternal life, falls in love with a girl and infects her, creating a(nother) monster in the process. He spends the rest of the movie in a Russian-lit version of hell, which is before that literal hell he may soon face at the hands of an angry God he’s not even sure (or cares) exists anymore. Forget puffy shirts and Tom Cruise, this is what it means to be a vampire folks! This is not only a smart genre movie but one of the craftier explorations of religion and perdition I’ve ever come across. In other words “Thirst” is not something that could ever have been made in America.

5. In the Loop
Director: Armando Iannucci
What’s so good about “In the Loop?” Besides everything? Okay, how about dialogue that spews as much gold as it does bile “I can’t stand to see a woman bleed from the mouth. It reminds me of that Country & Western music which I cannot abide.” How about editing that is fast as it is funny–a mock doc without the winks. How about the f-star-star-star-ing pitch perfect performances by Tom “climb the mountain of conflict” Hollander, Mimi “mouth bleeder” Kennedy, Tony Soprano and the scene/movie stealing Peter Capald-fucking-i? Imagine “Dr. Strangelove’s” satire with the UK’s “The Office” style and some meta-doc “Tristram Shandy-isms” thrown in.

“Loop” captures the feeling of being a little fish in a big, nasty, oil covered pond full of sharks (republicans), leaches (the media) and toothless bottom feeders (liberals… AND the English). “Loop” mocks/attacks all sides, showing the absurdly pathetic situation British-era politicians and policymakers faced when trying to buddy up to Americans in the time just before an entire war was invented from thin air. The feeling that these people are running around trying to get in this “loop,” which is inhabited by idiots screaming at each other, is ridiculous because the loop is just that, an insulated circle with no on-ramps or pauses for logic, reason or public interest to enter. Unlike political comedies like “Charley Wilson’s War” or “Wag the Dog” this film never wavers in its realism and yet also never hammers you with it. Taking satire to a new level, “Loop” is fun, then funny then sad when you realize that the humor is not that far fetched.

6. The Road
Director: James Hillcoat
The following really needs bold lettering: THE ROAD IS UNDERRATED. This film is as plain spoken and beautiful as the Cormac McCarthy novel that spawned it. Maybe modesty is why so few noticed this exceptional and sadly overlooked 09 film. “The Road” is special because it takes a serious look at the fall of man. This is not an action or science fiction or even fantasy movie, it is simply the single most important work in the apocalypse genre. A film that does not demand to be taken seriously, but should. The world has moved on and what it has moved on to, in the words of McCarthy, “cannot be made right again.”
The economy of “The Road” is something to be marveled at because everything we see fits into this barren world. The vegetation is withered and browning and when the corpse of trees fall to the we realize that the trees did not just die but they have been dead for a long long time and their fall. That feeling of nature inevitable last gasp carries over into ever aspect. The world is not dying it is dead and mankind’s last survivors, what few there are left, find themselves witness to Earth’s quietly dwindling epilogue. The film captures hopelessness in ways even the great book can’t quite offer because we are SEEING what had happened to the earth and what is happening to humanity. Viggo Mortensenplays a man withno name who exists to ensure the survival of a son with no name in a world where allowing the young an innocent to survive may ultimately be a curse more than a blessing. Yet he persists and isn’t that’s the whole point? His performance is… right. Possessing the perfect image of a Great Depression era face set in this even greater depression, every line in Viggo’s face and smudge of dirt on his skin is as well worn as it is weary. And when he speaks, it’s poignant but never pompous. “If he is not the word of God, God never spoke” the man says of his son, whom the father is simply trying to raise to be “good” in a place where such moral qualifiers have lost their meaning. That is if those words ever really had meaning because for all the “good” in man look where it got them.

7. The Hurt Locker
Director: Kathryn Bigelow
I never get tired of saying how much I hate Iraq war movies. I HATE IRAQ MOVIES. Ah, so refreshing, it just rolls off the tongue doesn’t it? “The Hurt Locker,” a film that looked like just another Iraq 2 drama, single handily made me think twice before dismissing this genre. Then I saw “Brothers” and went back to hating it. Oh well. I saw the film over a year ago and, by now, everybody knows it. Sure this isn’t the “best” film of the year but whatever flaws there may be in the narrative structure are commendable if you consider this film’s jagged, nearly episodic sequences as an extension of the fragmented lead played so well by Jeremy Renner who should have won the Oscar (sorry Bridges). Renner’s Sgt. William James is one of the more interesting war characters I’ve ever come across because, as many have noted by now, he feeds off the discord rather than whines about it. We may not understand the war but after watching we do understand why he would want to go back. It’s a drug and the bombs James diffuses work as a handy metaphor for the male ego as well as the entire FUBAR situation we find ourselves in “over there.”
What I respect most about “Hurt Locker” is its ability to takes us unto the sandy trenches and come out without a agenda or slant. It’s not anti or pro war, it’s just war. Even if you’re against this war “Hurt Locker” will endure beyond “Brothers” and “Stop Loss” and “Redacted” and “Greenzone” and all those shame on usdocumentaries because it removes itself from judgment and, thus, seems to have more integrity. The wonderful filmmaking by Bigelow (happy to say that I’ve been a fan since “Strange Days”) may be big and loud but the screenplay is contemplative, subtle and barley even there and the two styles make for a perfect marriage (unlike Bigelow and James Cameron hehe). After it’s big Oscar run K-Big should really make an Afghanistan-set sequel. She can even take her time making it because we’re going to be there for a while.

8. The Box
Director: Richard Kelly
If you ask me who the best new directors of the last decade is –or was– I would point to Richard Kelly as someone who should make the list. If you then laughed at me I would cite “Donnie Darko” then recommend you watch or rewatch “Southland Tales” and give his latest film, “The Box,” a shot. If you still laughed I would tell you to enjoy your Zach fucking Snyder films and walk away in total defeat. But, yeah, Richard Kelly………. Richard fucking Kelly. Three films in and I’m wondering why we don’t pay more attention to this mainstream cult filmmaker. In each meticulously made project, one thought always comes to me: “What……. is….. going on?” For some that’s why his film suck and for others it’s why they’re so good. Eschewing the modernist impulses of “Southland Tales,” a brilliant flop of a project that must of exhausted him, Kelly returns to intimate mystery while adding the assured bravado of a modern Hitchcock. This is like a Hollywood-er version of “MulhollandDr.” (mystery boxes!) and “Lost Highway” (suburban murders go down while creepy dudes visit your house with absurd proposals and deadpan whispers of ”I’m looking at youright now”) meets one of the twistier moral scenario seen in “The Twilight Zone” (push a button = someone dies = you get a million dollars). Equal to those stories, “The Box” evokes a striking end-of-the-world-ish sci-fi doom and gloom scenario that brilliantly ties the fate of the world to the morals of it’s inhabitants. ::Sigh:: when it comes to the end of the world plots people picked the bluntness of “2012″ over the strange subtle qualities of “The Box.” I could go on describing the movie but think back to “Darko” and ask yourself if any description would do the film justice? Like “Darko,” this film made no money and like “Darko,” it may find a small but loyal following willing to “walk into the light.”

9. White Ribbon
Director: Michael Heneke
You could watch “White Ribbon” and mistake it for a lost classic of the new wave German cinema made in the 60s through the 80s. Except it’s not lost, it’s modern and made by Michael Heneke, one of the world’s greatest pessimists; a director that, like von Trier, is not only unafraid to sow the seeds of discord but gleeful about doing so. The film, a brilliant anti-teutonic counterpart to “Inglourous Basterds,” offers a harsh de-glorification of pre-war Germany. As much of a nationalistic cautionary tale as it is an intimate drama, the specific theme or thesis of the disturbing film is left deliberately murky. Instead, Haneke offers more of a mood than a theme as the slowly unfolding events in this small town parable play out foreshadowing, of course, the torn, divided and ultimately ruined Germany that is to come. But that’s just the context. At the heart of things, this appropriately black-and-white film is a brooding mystery about sins of the father(s), who are careless and cruel, and the sins of their offspring. The little basterds in this film could hold their own against those in Heneke’s”Funny Games,” ”Cache” or just about any one of his creepy-kid movies. Containing very little plot in the traditional sense of the word, “White Ribbon” moves at a glaciers and is shot with deliberate distance and space. The approach allows for an atmosphere that builds and builds and builds and, by the end, festers into something really ugly. It is a truly wonderful piece of filmmaking that evokes the iciness of Bergman and social malefice of Aurthur Miller’s “The Crucible.”

10. Ponyo
Director: Hayo Miyazaki
“Ponyo” has a way of washing over you like a warm current in the dark sea of life. He may have done better but, really, that’s a relative notion when you’re dealing with Hayo Miyazaki. Miyazaki’s latest and hopefully not last children’s film is a treasure that captures a dreamlike wonder and innocence of childhood. ”Ponyo” does not tread new ground for both Miyazaki(this is a Japanese “Little Mermaid” after all) or ecological message movies (it’s more imaginative than “Avatar” though) but it makes up for its lack of innovation with a wealth of dedication to the craft of non-ironic storytelling. The reigning animation master’s brilliance is actually getting old so I can see why “Ponyo” slipped through the cracks because his brilliant “Howl’s Moving Castle” suffered a similar fate few years back and that film is as awesome as they come! Like a lot of the under performing films on this list, this modest little gem would rather endure than cash-in. Recalling the opening shots of this movie where a ocean full of strange and wonderful life co-exist in a soup of marvelous creature creations, Miyazaki sets the stage for a young marine girl’s strange and scary adventure on dry land. She wants to become human and, in turn, we feel human while watching her story. This movie gives its viewer a world that feels loved and fully inhabited. I saw a fair amount of animated films in 2009 and none came the slightest bit close to matching “Ponyo’s” charm. Especially Pixar’s “Up,” a film so forced you can practically feel the balloons popping under the stress. Ponyo’s” serene, sea-set pleasures are unassuming and unsoliciting of our affection. It exists in a natural state of wonder and cuteness.

Alternate Top 10

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
Director: Werner Herzog

Another “Bad Lieutenant?!” Who would have though? Who could have? Herzog, only Herzog! It’s hard to describe this movie. I’ll try, but I’ll fail. This is not a remake and its not a sequel or a prequel to the 1990s film of the same name starring Harvey Keitel, Nicholas Cage’s “National Treasure” co-star. It is its ts own beast, a totally original re-envisioning (for lack of a better word) of a film nobody asked to be made in the first place. Having seen far too many lame remakes/reboots I feel this is exactly the kind of film that should be re-made! Besides, one doesn’t cash-in with “Bad Lieutenant” because… where’s the cash? The fact that this was made means it was made for a reason. I say that because Werner Herzog is behind it. For those who don’t know, and shame on you if you don’t, Herzog is a gritty auteur who happens to be one of the most fascinating directors working today because he has figured out a way to make films for himself as much as he makes them for Hollywood (“Rescue Dawn” was his last).
As wired as cat in heat and as sleeplessly bug eyed as a lizard, the film stars Nicholas Cage as a dirty, drug addicted cop. Now, Cage playing a cop under totally “normal” circumstances would be an exercise in overacting theatrics (ahem, “Face/Off”) but add heavy drugs, severe back pain, corruption and sexual compulsion and you have a potential acting disaster on par with “Wicker Man,” another cop performance. Instead, the crazy of Cage and craz(ier) of Herzog cancel each other out, yielding something improbably good. The clips above and below are my gift to you and if they don’t make you want to see this movie then you might just be too well-adjusted to watch. Hunchback, wild eyed, screaming, and laughing through every scene, this is a remarkable collision of Cage’s tension and Herzog’screativity. They are so good together that there almost doesn’t even need to be a scrip. And there practically isn’t. The performance is exceptional because I laughed at it withthe awareness in the back of my mind that what I’m laughing at is not entirely a joke (it shares that quality with”Antichrist”); there’s something genuine going on here. Same with the film. It has an unmistakable 90s aesthetic in the way it is shot, the quality of the shoot and the pacing. Did Herzog do that to pay homage to the original? Who knows? All I do know is that Herzog’s quirky indulgences (tons random shots of reptiles for instance makes for a truly wacky, only-in-Herzoglandmetaphor for the kind of people we’re dealing with) make this the best cop movie since “Kiss, Kiss Bang, Bang.”

okay, two more clips (I just can’t get enough)

A Serious Man
Director: Joel and Ethan Coen
…yet not as serious as one would think given the subject matter. Jews in Michigan in the 1960s. You can imagine. Except you can’t because you don’t think like the Coens. I cannot recall laughing this much at such a depressing film. ”A Serious Man” is about an even-tempered professor (Michael Stuhlbarg, the discovery of the year) whose life goes from bad to worse to down right ridiculous. Things fall apart in every way possible to a point of near divine intervention–its almost as if God has chosen this man to fuck with. All this character can do is… react. To people, to chance and to his own steadily declining nerves. The film takes the narrative causality of one of the Coen’s beloved crime movies like “Blood Simple” or “No Country” where the protagonist makes a bad moral choice at the beginning of the film and then everything after goes wrong from him in the karmic and physical sense. The difference is there’s no crime here, just minuscule choices that people make that shifts the tides of their life. The cruel joke is that others seem impervious to the fickle hand of fate. Everyone except for the marvelously creepy guy (Fred Melamed) who steals his wife away in the most humorously condescending way possible; “let’s just step back, and defuse the situation. I find, sometimes, if I count to ten… one… two… three… faw… or silently… … … …”
This is the Coen’smost philosophically fertile film to date, which is saying a lot coming off of “No Country For Old Men.” Like that movie, the unmoving and seemingly illogical hand of fate becomes crossed with, or perhaps tangled to, forces of randomness. All of which are energized with the mystical forces of cabala, Judaism and vintage Coen wit and mockery. They really should create their own Church at this point. I would totally join.
I get the sense that this is one of those rare times where the Coen’s are not mocking their protagonist. They haven’t really liked one of their protagonists since “Fargo.” Okay, also The Dude because who doesn’t like The Dude. “A Serious Man” has been called the Coen’s most personal film to date and I would go one step beyond that to call it their most real film. Real is a much better word, too, because I’m not so sure the directors are capable of being “personal” because that would require a person. These filmmakers are clearly not of this earth. They are studying us and they are laughing at us. The irony is that within the alien community they’re still probably considered weird.

Summer Hours
Director: Olivier Assayas
How do you sum up a person’s life? One way is by looking at all the crap they left behind. “Summer Hours” does that but –unlike my choice of words– in the most eloquent way possible. It is a leisurely meditation on lives lived and lives in the living; the passing of an old era is not really a passing at all but a ghostly merging with the collective now. In the least sentimental way possible (thank god) the film is about a old woman with a rich history who passes on and leaves her house and art collection behind for relatives to pick over. There are three distinct acts. The film opens strongly with a bittersweet family get-together, spends its middle chunk detailing the organizational and financial and, oh yeah, emotional aftermath of death (I loved the scene where the kids pass through the house with appraisers, picking at these things of great value that spiritually mean nothing to them anymore) and ends, perfectly if I may say, with the children of the children having a party in the now empty estate. They are innocent and possess very little awareness of the shared connections. But it’s there, and we feel it. They will die too the film seems to be saying in the most optimistic way possible. This film is not mean or sad or funny or one of those bullshit “Big Chill” celebration of lifestories. It’s also not cold or overly analytical. Instead I would just say that it’s a very natural effort from Olivier Assayas (“Irma Vep,” “Demon Lover”), who, by not showing off for the first time, has made his best film yet.

Crank: High Voltage
Director:Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor
“Juice me!” That line, or some variation of it, is spoken often. Jason Stathem, the speaker, growls lines such as that like roidedout Energizer Bunny with a really good sense of humor. So, okay, this is a total indulgence pick on my part; every year I seem to stumble across a fantastic film that happens to be viewed as nothing more than shallow commercial entertainment. For most, though, calling “Crank 2″ “entertainment” in any capacity is a kind act as it was generally disliked/dismissed by critics and unamused audiences who didn’t quite know what to make of it. Like the character that fuels it’s cinematic combustion engine, this action/fantasy/comedy is a thing of pure energy. It is also the most wildly fetishistic, male body worshiping hyperbole since Arnold walked into “Terminator” as naked as a baby. It works as a very clever action parody that went over everyone’s head. Or not as it’s remains unclear if I see more in the series than others do or if others don’t see enough. Like his action predecessors, Stathemgets ripped beyond belief but unlike them he takes his battery charged and literally heartless body through a plot beyond belief, finding time for sex, drugs and a full fledged/full sized Godzilla style battle with the man that stole his heart. Not in the gay way either, his actual heart.

Anvil!: The Story of Anvil
Director: Sacha Gervasi
The best documentary I’ve seen since “Grizzly Man” (made by the above filmmaker). In the commentary for “Anvil!,” the director proudly stated that Michel Gondrygives this movie to his actors and demands they watch it. There is more truthin it, he tells them, than anything you could possibly script out. That’s such a good point that I’ll try my best to forget that he must have given his actors that advice on the set of “Green Hornet.” This film is like lightening caught in a bottle. It’s so perfect that I can’t believe it exists the way it does. Shots and scenarios play out with such a pitch-perfect blend of pathos and comedy that it feels like a modern retelling of “Spinal Tap” right down to quirky characters, long hair and Stonehenge imagery. But this is not a put-on for the exact reason Gondrysays, you just can’t make this shit up! There is a moment where the aging, stringy hair rockers (down on their luck Canadian metal rocking Jews) are on a European tour that includes stops at clubs with two people to promote an album that those two people probably didn’t even buy. The band shows up in their own grungy van and do a set only to find out that their gig check (probably for about $10 bucks) was taken away because they showed up late. The owner, instead, decides to pay them in borscht. As the lead singer known as Lips (a truly wonderful character person) screams his “fuck you, man” anthems at the shady owner, spit flying out of his mouth in the process, the rest of the band can be seen in the back of the shot slurping up the slop with a look of utter metal-head defeat on their faces. It’s hilarious, its heartbreaking, it’s “Anvil!” Rock on!

Knowing
Director: Alex Proyas
Another Nic Cage movie made the list?! Go ahead, laugh, I did too until I sat back and thought about the effect this movie had on me. Cage fires on all hammy cylinders in a Saturday night supernatural thriller that, on the surface, looks like just another Cage paycheck. And it is! Except sometimes Cage accidentally manages to cash-in on a good movie. This year he did so on two which may never happen again. “Knowing” is a powerful sci-fi fantasy that takes the end-of-the-world subgenre to one of the most interesting places I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen it all except for “Beach Party at the Threshold of Hell” which is totally on my Netflixqueue. Though his films are not well regarded outside of a Roger Ebert review, the underrated director of films like “I, Robot” and “Dark City,” Alex Proyas, is actually one of the best big budget directors around. Proyasis that rare sort of popular filmmaker that figured out how to make his films visually interesting while doing the same thing with his stories. The pacing is remarkably effective because when the number-fixated conspiracies get old, Proyas does what a film like “2012″ couldn’t, he changes direction so that suddenly we’re now watching a full on horror mystery and when that gets old Proyas goes all sci-fi on us. When that gets old… well, it doesn’t because the kind of sci-fi this film has to offer never gets old! Nobody would be blamed for not seeing this silly looking movie, many however will be rewarded for taking a chance on it.

You, The Living
Director: Roy Anderrson
Life sucks. It’s a miserable, meaningless void that signifies nothing other than our misfortune to be alive and stuck with each other. Lets laugh about it! “You, the Living” features a string of vaguely connected vignettes covering the most extraordinary quirky of topics and finding deadpan humor in the most random places. Swedish director Roy Anderrson is not just throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks, he links together one magnificent scenario after anotherin an effort to dispel misery while wallowing in it. The title lays out the tone perfectly. It’s YOU, the living, not US the living and with this the director seems to be channeling from somewhere beyond subjective human experiences. In this film you will find trombone jam sessions, tortured dogs, suicide, drunks, crying –lots of crying– sex withemaciated trombone players, death, traffic jams (a shout-out to his masterful “Songs From the Second Floor”), direct address monologues, a larger emphasis on nightmares than I expected, judges chugging beer and dishing out the electric chair during court, people crammed like sardines in tight places like bus stops and elevators, Nazi tabletops, and enough generally weird shit to put the entire Japanese entertainment industry to shame. The miracle is that by the end you will not feel depressed. Somehow, Anderrsonpulls it off. Scenes play out with great humor (most are set up like a joke, punch-line and all) and an even better sense of composition. Anderrson is a director of singular importance and originality. He masters his craft not through traditional narratives, sunny dispositions or any editing to speak of. His camera sits and watches while you watch characters watch you watching the watching camera. Sure time flies when you’re having fun but this film is living proof that it flies by a lot faster when you’re going “what the fuck?”

Bright Star
Director: Jane Campion
Here is penance for all the dark love stories I saw and loved in 2009 even though, if you think about it, “Bright Star” is just as dark if not darker than them. I put off watching “Bright Star” until the last minute. And can you blame me? It’s a movie about the late love/early death of poet John Keats madeby the director of “The Piano.” “Crank 2″ this is not. I’ll say it now and say it loud: I, along with so many others, were wrong to not want to see and embrace this beautiful movie. Possessing the same timeless qualities as Keats’ poetry, you could watch “Bright Star” fifty years from now and find yourself just as moved by it as if you saw it at the Cannes premiere. The film is about the ever so short relationship between the poor poet (the unwashed-as-always Ben Whishaw) and Fanny Brawne (Abbie Cornish, a rare beauty whose rounded features are impossible to look away from–not only am I in love but I totally got Ryan Phillipe’s back now). The film is also about the artistic process. Keats and his adorably acerbic writing partner Charles ArmitageBrown (an out of left field Paul Schneider who steals the movie with his alluring Scottish accent and stinging irony) sit around, discuss words and “ruminate” which is another way of saying doing nothing–poets were definitely the 19th century equivalent to being in a rock band. This is one of the best films ever made about an artist and “the woman who inspired him.” Campion is too smart to resort to biopic clichés (no constant reminders that this unsung figure is going to be famous one day), period movie blunders (either trying to over dramatize a famous relationship as “The Young Victoria” did or underplaying things to a point of suicidal boredom as Campionherself did with “Portrait of a Lady”) or romantic hyperbole (the agonizing trope of making the muse the primary creative agent a la “Copying Beethoven”). She’s also not out to make this pure yet short lived relationship something of a tragedy (though Keats is pretty emo even before “the sickness”). Campion’s skills as a storyteller first and filmmaker second really shine here. She knows when to hold a shot and when to cut, she knows when and what dialogue is appropriate and when silence accomplishes just a much.

Beaches of the Agnes
Director: Agnes Varda
“What is cinema?…. Light coming from somewhere.” I can’t think of a better documentary for French film lovers! If only every director made a film about themselves. If only every director were as interesting as Varda. Realizing, and wisely so, that objective “reality” is impossible, director Agnes Vardadoes something much better with this most personal of films. She reflects reality through the sandy mirrors of the cinema. Looking like the grandmum from “Triplets of Belleville” I watched this self-made reassemblageof the New Wave legend’s life with a unwavering smile. Like “Summer Hours,” this is a leisurely stroll through the corridors of someone’s life. In that sense, it’s not positioned to be some grand or pretentious statement but a much earned bout of super self reflective filmmaking that reminded me of Al Pacino’s documentary about the artistic process “Looking for Richard.” The abstract editing is particularly remarkable. When Varda says “the idea of fragmentation fascinates me” she intends to backs that up in this moving biography. Reenactments are staged to reflect various moments in Varda’s life, French history and, most importantly, French film history (the history of a nation is composed of the mired histories of individuals after all). This film’s depiction of history is so deliberately staged that the film effectively challenges fiction and non fiction conventions, two genres Vardahas worked in. I am usually distracted by this technique in documentaries but “Beaches” makes good use of its “theater” by simply calling attention to how artificial it can be much in the same way Fellini did with “8 1/2″ or some of his documentaries like “Roma.” By the end though Vardabecomes comfortable with being “my self” in front of the camera and this candidness is what really ends up making the film something special. With “Beaches” Vardareflects on the eternal nature of cinema by juxtaposing that magical quality with the fleeting nature of her own life. I never grew tired of her photography, her stories or her spirit. What a trippy self-tribute.

Moon
Director: Duncan Jones
“Moon” is visionary but a truly depressing feat of science fiction storytelling. Set in a space station, this one man show stars Sam Rockwell in a performance that put everything else to shame in 2009. Hell, even his robot companion, voiced by Kevin Spacey in his best performance since “The Usual Suspects,” outdoes most performances. “Moon” is a science fiction film for people who like the look, feel and doomed intimacy of something like “2001: A Space Odyssey” more than the hipster schlock of last year’s “Star Trek.” The one (crazy) man scenario also recalls the oddball charm of the sci-fi cult classics like “Silent Running” as well as, in the end, the surreal disturbances of Friedkin’s “Bug.” Yes, there was a time when science fiction experimented and took chances. Unlike it’s tragic Phantom of the Spacestationhero, “Moon” is free from corporate intervention and tampering. The best thing “Moon” does is reminds us that budgets don’t make for good sci-fi movies, ideas do. This is a film I admire, not one that I like, and not one that I find easy to write about so I’ll move on to one I do…

Special Mention…

Drag Me To Hell
Director: Sam Raimi
Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of Raimi, I’m just not a fan of Hollywood SAM RAIMI, the guy that directed those dreadful “Spider-Man” films. I derived practically no enjoyment out of his big budget escapades and that is strange principally because Raimi, at his core (and when he’s at his best) is one of the most purely enjoyable American filmmakers working today. I specify “America” because there’s nobody more fun to watch than Joe Wright. “Drag Me To Hell,” a fantastic horror comedy made in the goof-spook vein of “Evil Dead,” makes the list for that simple reason. It’s sense of fun is pure.

Still Walking
Director: Hirokazu Koreeda
“Still Walking” is about a family that reunites one weekend during a summer. This modest film by Hirokazu Koreeda (“Nobody Knows”), is very similar in plot, if not culture, to Assayas’ “Summer Hours.” It’s nonetheless a rewarding to see how two countries tackle a similar issue without resorting to melodrama. This wonderful little reflection on life, death and family history being passed down from one generation to another (to yet another: children) is told in the gloriously un-rushed sea set tradition of Yasujiro Ozu. Pretty much the only difference is that the returning son in this film will occasionally pick up his cell to receive a text message. Oh, and the story climates in an action packed denouement where a cranky old father, his unloved son and his unloved son’s loved step son, walk to the beach… for five minutes… in silence. God, I love these kinds of films. Issues from the past linger but don’t fester and are not always resolved. Bickering continues but never comes to a blow. Life moves on and sometimes people don’t/can’t/won’t change. Some lessons are learned, others are simply washed away by time while just a few are passed on such as sonss not making the same mistakes as their father. Here is a film not in a rush to say anything that ends up saying a whole lot.

Sherlock Holmes
Director: I can’t believe I’m writing this but, yes, Guy Ritchie
While it’s sad to see Holmes turned into an 1800s master of science “Iron Man” action hero, this modern retelling of the Holmes mythos managed to be both fun and daftly smart. It’s easy to make fun of Guy Ritchie at this point and hard to remember that, however arch and bullheaded he tends to be (Britain’s Michael Bay), he did make at least one good movie, “Snatch. Make that two good films! This time Ritchie doesn’t show off as much as he allows his character to show off for him. And he’s got the right man for the job. Robert Downey Jr. gives Holmes the Johnny Depp treatment and by that I mean he fully looses himself in this character, giving him a ton of idiosyncratic ticks and a real sense of obsession. As far from masterpiece theater as human can possibly be, Holmes a reclusive lout laying in filth and performing his OCD experiments on flies and dogs and himself until the “game is a foot” at which point he’s a scruffy, clue hunting hound dog.
I particularly enjoyed how Ritchie is able to make Holmes an action hero but in such a way that’s somewhat true to his style. This is just the sort of take/update to the character that was needed to make him relevant again so quit your bitching and enjoy. The film, as well as Holmes, may be silly but he’s never dumb and the film actually values the mind over the muscle. When on the precipice of attack, for instance, the film freezes as Holmes internally calculates the best method of attack (figuring out the attacker is a drunk by the smell of booze on his breath, for instance, then applying a quick jab to his liver). After living in the great detective’s brain for a few moments the film will pop us back to real time as we see the chain of attacks Holmes laid out so neatly performed in an orgiastic flurry of intellect, sensuality and kinetic action. The film applies that same level of causality to Holmes’ power as a detective. A smudge of chalk on a shirt or speck of inc on an ear can basically sum up a character’s life story while something as small as a stain on a rat’s tail can lead Holmes to the source of his next clue. This happens a lot and Ritchie’s zippy style is quite good at visually representing Holmes’ methods with flash forwards/backs that almost match Edgar Wright (“Hot Fuzz,” “Shaun of the Dead”) in visual cleverness.

Taken
Director: Pierre Morel
Speaking of fun. This year’s “Gran Torino” ladies and gentlemen. There’s just something about watching grumpy old men kicking all kinds of ass that feels so damn satisfying these days. Liam Neeson, a retired CIA agent, is called back to “my old life” for a personal bout of vengeance and heads to Europe to kick the head in of every shit eating piece of Euro trash that may have had anything to do with his dumb ass bubbly daughter who dun got herself kidnapped and sold into white slavery like a bruised puppy. Hahahahaha!!!!!! This was one of the great guilty pleasures of the year for me right alongside KFC’s Kentucky Grilled Chicken except I don’t know which is more overcooked. Watching the angry American brnad his personal blend of Papa justice (not eye for an eye but eye for a head) upon the “bad guys” was a cathartic thrill as it arrived in an age where Americans are completely inept and powerless both abroad and in country. That the film is made by a Frenchmen and stars a giant elf of an Irishmen makes it an oddball role-playing inversion where the Euros get to imagine what it’s like being bossy, self-entitled Americans. You know what, they’re good at it. This twist gives the film an ever-so-subtle spin on the usual pro-American Hollywood hooey. But, really, I love “Taken” because, despite its total preposterousness, it ended up taken (haha) itself seriously. Maybe this is not a good thing but the film’s humorless sincerity combined with a “Death Wish” ideology reminded me of the good old days where bad asses like Arnold or Chuck (of the Bronson and/or Norris variety) would go into a room to save their daughter and not leave till the evil doers were rounded up, grounded up, and spit out and, hum, who are we forgetting, oh yeah, their daughters were sitting pretty atop their shoulders. God bless American violence.

Whatever Works
Director: Woody Allen
“Hollywood Ending,” “Melinda and Melinda,” “Anything Else” and last year’s under the radar “Whatever Works” are some of the least popular Woody Allen films of the decade and perhaps ever made. They also happen to be in on short list of the filmmaker’s most underrated works to date. Speaking of works, ”Whatever Works” finds Larry David doing more than just being Larry David. His persona here is Larry David by way of Woody Allen! Okay, not a huge leap but it’s a match made in non-Christian heaven. When it comes to Woody Allen I have taught myself not to listen to what other people, even Woody Allen fans, (especially Woody Allen fans) think about Woody Allen movies.

Dean Spanley
Director: Toa Fraser
“Dean Spanley” is really just about a father who has been estranged from his son. That alone would not be a reason to rank it here so I should elaborate. It’s about a father and son who are united by a friend named Dean (Sam Neill) who, as it seems, was a dog in a past life and will only talk about those “dog days” when under the influence of a rare wine previously reserved for Spanish royalty. Did I forget anything? Probably but at least I didn’t forget to put it on this list.

The Messenger
Director: Oren Moverman
This somber but simmering on the insidemodern war drama is about two messed up soldiers, Woody Harrilson and Sam Foster, who go around telling people their kids/husbands/baby mamma’s etc. have died in a stupid, pointless war. What a job. I like to think of “The Messenger” as “Up in the Air” for the non-retarded who hated “Up in the Air.” It tells you a story without making the characters into “gee, these are real Americans, lets sing their common praises.” It’s overwrought in a big way but not in a way I minded because the film is approaching tired material (soldier coming home from war, yada, yada, yada) witha sense of nobility a rare mood of outright anger at what’s going on overseas and here at home. “The Messenger” is great because it starts about these two men, one a former drunk (Woody Harrelson) and the other’s a current dick (Ben Foster), who don’t know each other but rather than being ALL about that, the film splinters off when Foster falls in love with one of his jobs, a single mom played by Samantha Morton. Once again the film avoids clichés here. Foster is good but the reay show stealer is Harrelson, who finds his most interesting character in years. His final scene is heartbreaking perfection and if there’s anyone other than Mr. Waltz I’d love to see get the Oscar this year it’s him. Plus he was in “Zombieland” so that’s pretty cool.

Pandorum
Director: Christian Alvart
This year saw an explosion of hot sci-fistories hit the scene. Very few were actually good. The first, “Pandorum,” is about two characters waking up in a space ship withno idea how they got there while other, the significantly more arty “Moon,” is about one person on a space station with no memory of his past. Both make the 09 list because they are amazing, visionary works but also to make a point. That point being that Hollywood is mainstreaming sci-fi to a point of generic dilution. These films take it back to its roots, one through grindhouse sci-fi nightmares and the other through art house dreams. The huge impact “Star Trek,” “District 9,” “Transformers 2″ and “Avatar” helped to give sci-fi its first genuine renaissance in years, decades maybe. I’m happy in a sense and sad in another. Happy for my favorite genre. Sad that my favorite genre is being watered down by clunky moralizing and obvious metaphors. “Pandorum” is not that kind of film. It’s a dark and unforgiving space horror movie (the survival horror video game “Dead Space” withelements of the cult movie “Event Horizon” and some of the better aspects of “Saw” thrown in) witha claustrophobic mise-en-scene that reminded me of “Alien” or, to a lesser degree “The Descent.” Best of all, and what makes this film worth seeing, is a final revelation that stands as one of sci-fi best genre twists of all time.

Adventureland
Director: Greg Mottola
“Superbad” mets “Wet Hot American Summer” except it doesn’t try as hard either. Plus the film throws in Kristen Stewart as a Jew and Martin Starr (“Freaks and Geeks”) as, um, an even bigger Jew. Score!

A Serious Man
Director: Tom Ford
Ack! I forgot to include “A Serious Man” when I first made this list. Crippling third act problems aside, a few things save this unique film about the saddest gay man on earth. First, of course, Colin Firth in a touching and uniquely human performance. We see the world through this sad man’s eyes and it is as if we’re seeing it with new eyes thanks to Tom Ford’s vision. I wish more non-directors could get films like this made but I can see why they don’t as it takes a special kind of director to wrap up everything by the end. Still, Ford’s ability to experiment with cinematography and period movie conventions (not to mention out-Mad Menning ”Mad Men”) make this film hard to forget. Er, well, I kinda did forget it but I’m mad at myself.

The Good, The Bad, the Weird
Director: Ji-woon Kim
Some of the first, a little of the second a lot of the third. This is another oddball Korean release except it’s is not a horror film. Or a drama. The director’s previous films include “A Tale of Two Sisters” and “3 Extremes” which he co-directed with none other than Chan Park (who made my number four pick) and the genre(s) of choice here is Western screwball comedy. It’s not only the highest budgeted Korean film ever made but one of the most fun. This quirky Korean epic (a chow mein western?) about a hero a thief and a thug looking for treasure marked with a big X burned into a much sought after and McGuffinized map reminded me of the spirit of the American adventure in the days before stars and high concepts and CGI took a big dump on creativity.

The Fantastic Mr. Fox
Director: Wes Anderson
There’s a moment in this stop motion animated film where a recovering boy gets mad at his cousin from out of town visiting his family’s fox hole. The cousin cries and the boy (Anderson staple Jason Schwartzmen) comforts him by showing the crying fox his train set. The film cuts to the fox family’s shanty house (literally a hole in the ground) and in the background we see a real train, from the human world, passing by. It’s not hard to see what’s going on here. Wes Anderson is showing us his train set. Is Anderson capable of anything else? Visually, well yeah because this is his first animated film but at the same time “Fox” is as coyly self-examined as anything he’s done since “Rushmore.” Besides the hole non-human thing, “Fox” is basically just another Wes Anderson film in stop motion sheep’s clothing. Everything takes place on a 180 degree plane and every line of dialogue is wry and overly factual. While I’m tired of Anderson, this film renewed my fondness if only for a short period. I like how the film out-humanizes humans by making its universe of animals (even the ones who usually eat each other) respect each other and even band together to do one thing: “Survive,” the grinning Papa Fox voiced by George Clooney (in full Danny Ocean mode) says with such gravely coolness that his performance easily surpasses that whole “Up in the Air” embarrassment. The film also get points in my book for casting Jarvis Cocker as a thug by day and musician by night who is told “That’s just bad songwriting. You wrote a bad song, Petey!” by his land hording and Fox hating hood of a boss and, you know what, I think I just ranked this film on my list so I could include that line. I’ll just give co-writer Noah Baumbach credit for writing it and call it a day.

The Watchmen
Director: Zach Snyder
Hold up, hold up, this does not mean “Watchmen” is on my list. It just happens to be in my list, you see, hanging out like someone at a party that wasn’t invited and nobody’s is talking to.

worth mentioning…

Headless Woman (Lucrecia Martel)
I Love You, Man (John Hamburg)
35 Shots of Rum (Clair Denis–might have gone higher if I got around to seeing it with English subtitles.)
24 City (Zhang Ke Jia)
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (David Yates)
Tulpan (Sergei Dvortsevoy)
Precious (Lee Daniels)

Oscar Reactions in Smilies

Greg Douglass — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 23:22:37 +0000

On the Spot Reaction: Man, what a forgetful year for Oscar nominations. Not bad overall but I’m just not seeing anything terribly important. A few of genuinely good films made the cut (Basterds, Hurt Locker, The Messenger, A Single Man), a few of nice but not earth shattering filler picks (Precious… which, okay, I kinda liked), a ton of tepid offferings (Nine, Up, Invictus) and, of course, crap (Blind Side, Up in the Air). Sadly, no big surprises other than the fact that two sci-fi films were nominated for best picture by an industry that historically can’t even bother to recognize any at all; the down side is that the lauded sci-fi films are as heavy handed as they are overrated. I gave both a passing grade though so how much can I really complain? What I can complain about is the biggest shut-outs, The Road and Two Lovers which I though could at the very least grab a few noms like Screenplay or Cinematography. And don’t even get me started on Miyazaki’s animated Ponyo which was overlooked. Overall, though, not a bad Oscar year, just not a very compelling one.

Best Picture (I got 9 of 10 perdictions right)

“Avatar” James Cameron and Jon Landau, Producers
“The Blind Side” Nominees to be determined :cry:
“District 9” Peter Jackson and Carolynne Cunningham, Producers
“An Education” Finola Dwyer and Amanda Posey, Producers
“The Hurt Locker” Nominees to be determined
“Inglourious Basterds” Lawrence Bender, Producer
“Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Lee Daniels, Sarah Siegel-Magness and Gary Magness, Producers
“A Serious Man” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, Producers
“Up” Jonas Rivera, Producer
“Up in the Air” Daniel Dubiecki, Ivan Reitman and Jason Reitman, Producers (papa Ivan’s first ever nom!)

Robbed: Almost every other movie released last year are better than these ten. What a lame year to have this beefed up category. Best Pic Nominee Blind Side, okay fuck you too.

Directing

* “Avatar” James Cameron
* “The Hurt Locker” Kathryn Bigelow
* “Inglourious Basterds” Quentin Tarantino
* “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Lee Daniels
* “Up in the Air” Jason Reitman

Robbed: Coen Bros., right?

Actor in a Leading Role

* Jeff Bridges in “Crazy Heart”
* George Clooney in “Up in the Air” (and I usually love the Cloonster)
* Colin Firth in “A Single Man”
* Morgan Freeman in “Invictus”
* Jeremy Renner in “The Hurt Locker”

Robbed:Viggo Mortensen, Viggo, Viggo, Viggo.

Actor in a Supporting Role

* Matt Damon in “Invictus”
* Woody Harrelson in “The Messenger”
* Christopher Plummer in “The Last Station”
* Stanley Tucci in “The Lovely Bones” (first ever Oscar nom for someone doing a Dr. Evil impression lol)
* Christoph Waltz in “Inglourious Basterds”

Robbed: Steven Lang, the bad guy from Avatar. Dude’s the shit in that otherwise lame movie.

Actress in a Leading Role

* Sandra Bullock in “The Blind Side”
* Helen Mirren in “The Last Station”
* Carey Mulligan in “An Education”
* Gabourey Sidibe in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
* Meryl Streep in “Julie & Julia”

Robbed:Might as well have nominated Sandra Bullock for All About Steve cuz she’s such a good actress.

Actress in a Supporting Role

* Penélope Cruz in “Nine”
* Vera Farmiga in “Up in the Air”
* Maggie Gyllenhaal in “Crazy Heart”
* Anna Kendrick in “Up in the Air”
* Mo’Nique in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”

Robbed: I would say Moore from Single Man but she was in it for like ten minutes so Samantha Morton from The Messenger it is.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

* “District 9” Written by Neill Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell
* “An Education” Screenplay by Nick Hornby
* “In the Loop” Screenplay by Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci, Tony Roche
* “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Screenplay by Geoffrey Fletcher
* “Up in the Air” Screenplay by Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner

Robbed: The Road

Writing (Original Screenplay)

* “The Hurt Locker” Written by Mark Boal
* “Inglourious Basterds” Written by Quentin Tarantino
* “The Messenger” Written by Alessandro Camon & Oren Moverman
* “A Serious Man” Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen
* “Up” Screenplay by Bob Peterson, Pete Docter, Story by Pete Docter, Bob Peterson, Tom McCarthy

Robbed: Sure, a lot of good scripts were robbed but for the first time in years I like the Original Screenplay category for the most part. The sloppy, haphazard writing/plotting of Up is the only exception.

Animated Feature Film

* “Coraline” Henry Selick
* “Fantastic Mr. Fox” Wes Anderson
* “The Princess and the Frog” John Musker and Ron Clements
* “The Secret of Kells” Tomm Moore
* “Up” Pete Docter

Robbed:WHERE’s FUCKING PONYO, AHHHHHH FUCK YOU!

Cinematography

* “Avatar” Mauro Fiore
* “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” Bruno Delbonnel :)
* “The Hurt Locker” Barry Ackroyd
* “Inglourious Basterds” Robert Richardson
* “The White Ribbon” Christian Berger

Robbed: White Ribbon. Oh, wait they actually bothered to watch that movie. Cool!

Art Direction

* “Avatar” Art Direction: Rick Carter and Robert Stromberg; Set Decoration: Kim Sinclair
* “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” Art Direction: Dave Warren and Anastasia Masaro; Set Decoration: Caroline Smith
* “Nine” Art Direction: John Myhre; Set Decoration: Gordon Sim
* “Sherlock Holmes” Art Direction: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer
* “The Young Victoria” Art Direction: Patrice Vermette; Set Decoration: Maggie Gray

Costume Design

* “Bright Star” Janet Patterson :-|
* “Coco before Chanel” Catherine Leterrier
* “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” Monique Prudhomme
* “Nine” Colleen Atwood
* “The Young Victoria” Sandy Powell

Documentary (Feature)

* “Burma VJ” Anders Østergaard and Lise Lense-Møller
* “The Cove” Nominees to be determined
* “Food, Inc.” Robert Kenner and Elise Pearlstein
* “The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon Papers” Judith Ehrlich and Rick Goldsmith
* “Which Way Home” Rebecca Cammisa

Film Editing

* “Avatar” Stephen Rivkin, John Refoua and James Cameron
* “District 9” Julian Clarke
* “The Hurt Locker” Bob Murawski and Chris Innis
* “Inglourious Basterds” Sally Menke
* “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Joe Klotz

Foreign Language Film

* “Ajami” Israel
* “El Secreto de Sus Ojos” Argentina
* “The Milk of Sorrow” Peru
* “Un Prophète” France
* “The White Ribbon” Germany

Makeup

* “Il Divo” Aldo Signoretti and Vittorio Sodano
* “Star Trek” Barney Burman, Mindy Hall and Joel Harlow
* “The Young Victoria” Jon Henry Gordon and Jenny Shircore (huh?)

Music (Original Score)

* “Avatar” James Horner
* “Fantastic Mr. Fox” Alexandre Desplat 8-O :D
* “The Hurt Locker” Marco Beltrami and Buck Sanders (wha?)
* “Sherlock Holmes” Hans Zimmer
* “Up” Michael Giacchino

Music (Original Song)

* “Almost There” from “The Princess and the Frog” Music and Lyric by Randy Newman
* “Down in New Orleans” from “The Princess and the Frog” Music and Lyric by Randy Newman
* “Loin de Paname” from “Paris 36” Music by Reinhardt Wagner Lyric by Frank Thomas
* “Take It All” from “Nine” Music and Lyric by Maury Yeston
* “The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart)” from “Crazy Heart” Music and Lyric by Ryan Bingham and T Bone Burnett

Short Film (Animated)

* “French Roast” Fabrice O. Joubert
* “Granny O’Grimm’s Sleeping Beauty” Nicky Phelan and Darragh O’Connell
* “The Lady and the Reaper (La Dama y la Muerte)” Javier Recio Gracia
* “Logorama” Nicolas Schmerkin
* “A Matter of Loaf and Death” Nick Park

Documentary (Short Subject)

* “China’s Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province” Jon Alpert and Matthew O’Neill
* “The Last Campaign of Governor Booth Gardner” Daniel Junge and Henry Ansbacher
* “The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant” Steven Bognar and Julia Reichert
* “Music by Prudence” Roger Ross Williams and Elinor Burkett
* “Rabbit à la Berlin” Bartek Konopka and Anna Wydra

Short Film (Live Action)

* “The Door” Juanita Wilson and James Flynn
* “Instead of Abracadabra” Patrik Eklund and Mathias Fjellström
* “Kavi” Gregg Helvey
* “Miracle Fish” Luke Doolan and Drew Bailey
* “The New Tenants” Joachim Back and Tivi Magnusson

Sound Editing

* “Avatar” Christopher Boyes and Gwendolyn Yates Whittle
* “The Hurt Locker” Paul N.J. Ottosson
* “Inglourious Basterds” Wylie Stateman
* “Star Trek” Mark Stoeckinger and Alan Rankin
* “Up” Michael Silvers and Tom Myers

Sound Mixing

* “Avatar” Christopher Boyes, Gary Summers, Andy Nelson and Tony Johnson
* “The Hurt Locker” Paul N.J. Ottosson and Ray Beckett
* “Inglourious Basterds” Michael Minkler, Tony Lamberti and Mark Ulano (wow, another sound nod for IG. Werid, cuz most of the film is very low key)
* “Star Trek” Anna Behlmer, Andy Nelson and Peter J. Devlin
* “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” Greg P. Russell, Gary Summers and Geoffrey Patterson (no kidding, the sound is fantastic in this, um, less than fantastic film)

Visual Effects

* “Avatar” Joe Letteri, Stephen Rosenbaum, Richard Baneham and Andrew R. Jones
* “District 9” Dan Kaufman, Peter Muyzers, Robert Habros and Matt Aitken
* “Star Trek” Roger Guyett, Russell Earl, Paul Kavanagh and Burt Dalton

Best of 2009: Songs

Greg Douglass — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 03:37:30 +0000

Okay boys and girls here are the best songs of the year! I’m eschewing the modesty of calling these fifty tracks (plus a little gem known as ”Bale Out”) my ”favorite” songs of the year. Fuck that, these are the best. Deal with it. I took a couple of hours to listened to these great tunes all the way through and realized just then how great this year was for not just new artists/bands but for fringe musical genres such as electronica/noise/ambient/metal/prog. So enjoy the good ones, enjoy the weird ones, and everything in between. And if you’re lucky enough to know me I’ll burn a copy for you let you listen to all these songs I totally legally downloaded.

1. Sea Within a Sea by The Horrors
2. Kingdom of Rust by Doves
3. The Incident by Porcupine Tree
4. Surf Solar by Fuck Buttons
5. French Navy by Camera Obscura
6. I Don’t Like Your Band by Annie
7. Golden Phone by Micachu and the Shapes
8. Build Voice by Dan Deacon
9. The Afterlife by YACHT
10. Leftovers by Jarvis Cocker

11. Crystalised by The xx
12. Panic Switch by Silversun Pickups
13. This Tornado Loves You by Neko Case
14. Corrupt by Depeche Mode
15. Glass by Bat For Lashes
16. United States of Eurasia by Muse
17. Inaugural Trams by Super Furry Animals
18. Holiday On The Moon by Puscifer
19. Dog Days Are Over by Florence And The Machine
20. Where Shadows Make Shadows by Tim Hecker

21. Give It Up by Datarock
22. Slow Poison by The Bravery
23. Since We’ve Been Wrong by The Mars Volta
24. Oblivion by Mastodon
25. Leni by Crystal Castles Remixed
26. Digidesign by Joker
27. Stillness Is the Move by Dirty Projectors
28. Drawing the Line by Porcupine Tree
29. Jetstream by Doves
30. Babel On by The Soundtrack of Our Lives

31. Heads Will Roll by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
32. From Africa to Málaga by jj
33. Help I’m Alive by Metric
34. Lisztomania by Phoenix
35. Funny The Way It Is by Dave Matthews Band
36. Moped Eyes by Super Furry Animals
37. Don’t Stop by Annie
38. Further Complications by Jarvis Cocker
39. Daniel by Bat For Lashes
40. True Stories byDatarock

41. Working On a Dream BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
42. House of Flying Daggers by Raekwon
43. Angela by Jarvis Cocker
44. Begin The Engine by Andrew W.K.
45. Fuck You by Lily Allen
46. Divinations by Mastodon
47. Padding Ghost by Dan Deacon
48. Here to Fall by Yo La Tengo
49. Something is Squeezing My Skull by Morrissey
50. The Mission (feat. Milla Jovovich) by Puscifer
50.1 The Shattered Fortress by Dream Theater
50.2 Bale Out by EvoLoution

***

Best Non-Song Song of the Year:
“Bale Out” by RevoLucian. Genus on so many levels. First off, and all due respek to my man Bale, it’s funny. Second, it’s actually a very well made dance song in terms structure and beats. Third, this guy made the song, like, two days after the rant was released. This song is so good it’s fucking distracting.

1. “TiK ToK” by Ke$ha. Oh, I have a few signs for Ke$ha as well. Sure there’s the $, which is sooooo cool with its faux gangsta irony (which may not even be ironic), but there’s also a #@*%. This is the kind of post-Gaga popular dance music that is ushering in the new decade. It makes me not want to be alive to hear what the rest of the decade has to offer. This song is… DEATH.
2. “Right Round” by Flo Rida. Fuck this shit.
3. “Party in the U.S.A.” by Miley Cyrus. If this is how we party they I’m moving to Canada.
4. “Use Somebody” by Kings of Leon. It is beyond my comprehension how this band and THIS 2009 hit single grew in popularity.
5. “My Girls” by Animal Collective. Not bad by any means just overrated and kind of bland. There are far better tracks on Merriweather Post Pavilion.
6. “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga. Maybe not the worst song ever but the opening of this song makes me feel like my skin has been cut off and bleach is being poured on my blood covered, barley alive carcass.

Best Bad Song of the Year:
I Got A Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas. A horrible song from a horrible band. Still… ehh, kinda catchy. Mazeltov!

Best of 2009: Video Games

Greg Douglass — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 08:57:55 +0000

Game of the Year is Awarded To...

Batman: Arkham Asylum (PS3)

1. Batman: Arkham Asylum (PS3)

“It’s a Batman game, how good can it be?” ran through my head until the second leading up to Arkham Asylum’s release late in last summer. The minute after was “this is better than I could have ever imagined.” In fact, I don’t even want to call “Arkham Asylum” a Batman “game,” it’s a Batman experience and that’s crucial. Including the movies, this is the first non-comic Batman title to get all aspects of Batman. From his physicality to his intellect, this game understands who Batman is, what he does and probes ever deeper into the “why he does it” question. The detective, the genus and the ass kicker is all on display and all within your control. What puts this marvelously ambitious title ahead of more obvious GOTY contenders is how enjoyable the exploration is and how intuitive the combat feels. Enter detective mode to search for clues and, when you find them, take out the endless stream inmates blocking your path to freedom.

Batman’s may look like a big dumb wrestler here (what were the designers thinking?) and his moves may appear limited to simple button mashing but stringing together attack combos as you slide seamlessly from one equally bulky enemy to another provides a rapturous and addictive combat high where punches flow with so much elegant precision that the effect is more like choreographed dancing than fighting. And that’s before you bust out all of Batman’s gadgets like the batarang and foamy explosives that can be triggered from a remote location. As for the atmosphere: it’s a perfect overall vision that easily surpasses the artful and claustrophobic “Bioshock,” another game praised for its atmosphere. Locking “Bats” (as Joker, the new warden of Arkham affectionately calls him) up in the most iconic asylum in the history of storytelling is brilliant from both a game play and narrative standpoint. Not only does Batman reconnect with usual suspects (Joker, Poison Ivy and countless cameos like the Penguin’s umbrella and of course the Riddler’s clues) but also the voice cast and writer that made the legendary 90s “Batman” animated series. Swooshing through a dark hallway and perching on Gothic gargoyles like billionaire ninja as you wait for some unlucky inmate to walk under you is a Bat-lover’s wet dream. While playing, Rorshach’s line from “Watchmen” of all things rang true: “I’m not trapped in here with you, you’re trapped in with MEEEEEE!”

2. Scribblenauts (Nintendo DS)

The most groundbreaking and original title to come out since “Portal” and that was my game of the year! The fact of the matter is that no game was utilized by a single piece of hardware in better or more creatively in 09 than the “Scribblenauts” on the DS. Think it, spell it, spawn it, use it, solve it and, my god, that totally sounds like a Daft Punk song! “Scribblenauts” is underrated to a point of frustration. When people didn’t outright overlook this game due to the kiddy DS look (big mistake, this game is actually really perverse) many who did play it poo poo all over the controls which often send the chicken hat wearing protagonist Maxwell into every direction except the one you’re pointing to and, okay, that’s a valid complaint (one that will hopefully be addressed in a sequel) but there’s so much more to this puzzle solving game than moving the awkward yet lovable character around. How much more? How about as much as you can think of? In the video below Maxwell must knock bottles down. Simple yet infinitely complex: You can use a baseball, sure, but you can also use a battleship, or, my favorite Lovecraftian problem solver: the great Cthulhu. This is one of those games that if you don’t like it, it’s not because the game is lacking, its because YOU are. Grow an imagination and have yourself some fun. For me that means the simple pleasure to tossing toddlers at zombies to see what happens (hint: it’s not good), for you it’s…

***

3. Red Faction: Guerrilla (PS3)

You run, you shoot, you smash the hell out of everything you see. There may not be much in the way of gripping story elements (though it is cool that the prevailing good guys from the first Red Faction are now the same evil oppressors you once fought against) but I’ll take an open world game that doesn’t bother much with story and succeeds at everything else versus one that does and gets lost in a tedious, pretentious and downright joyless narrative web like last year’s much lauded “GTA IV.” Unlike that game (and anything else out there), “RFG” lets you loose on mars by letting you physically do whatever you want. Everything topside in this sandy, dust covered world has a reality in the sense that if you touch it, if you shoot it, if you tear it the F down it will react. What’s better than the fact that the Martian physics are spot on is that they are spot on and fun! This is the first true sandbox game experience for me because Mars is literally one big red sand box and its delicate, manmade structures are just begging to be dismantled by your weapons one steel girder at a time. For months after playing I walked into buildings looking around for structural weaknesses, dreaming that I had that Red Faction hammer I would totally go ape shit on that wall. So why didn’t more people like it?

***

4. Uncharted 2 (PS3)

Only one word is needed: epic. Okay a few more: this is the first game I’ve ever cared enough about to pursuit the achingly hard platinum trophy. I just about thought this adventure would never get old but when it finally did (after many, many hours of shooting, finding cover and elaborate puzzle solving mind you–a fun version of “Gears of War” in other words) I had almost as much fun in “U2′s” multiplayer. I’m glad this game has been received so well (it’s won every major award!) and thrilled to see something finally putting a spotlight to the overlooked PS3′s hardware. Nathan Drake’s return can’t come soon enough.

***

5. Sonic’s Ultimate Genesis Collection (PS3)

Wow. Thank you Sega! How sad is it that many of the Genesis classics included in this ultra cheap box set are better that most new games released this year? Reliving these retro games was such a treat. The value of over fifty games on one disk is hard to resist, even for kids who grew up on Playstation rather than 8 or 16 bit systems. I’ve never been much of a Rom guy so playing these unchanged games is even more special. The usual suspects are as fun as they ever were: “Sonic” 1 and 3, “Phantasy Star,” “Golden Axe,” the “Streets of Rage” series. And I even discovered amazing new games like Comix Zone, Vectorman, Kid Chameleon, and Alien Storm; games that have me wishing I took more chances and expanded outside my Sonic bubble when I had the system in the 90s. It may exist in the shadow of the big N but Genesis and Sega will live on forever. And let’s face it, Nintendo would never be cool enough to release a similar product. A place in my heart will always belong to the Genesis.

***

6. Bookworm (iPhone)

Scrabble and Boggle, meet my finger. Thanks to this game my iPhone got a lot of action and caressing in 2009. There’s random letters on a board, you see, and you have to make word combos as a worm belches at you. There’s no timer but there are explosive blocks that will end your game if you let them reach the bottom without including them in a word. That simple premise turned into the most addicting thing I played all year. And there’s no doubt it won’t continue into next year because there’s no score high enough to ever satisfy my word hunger.

***

7. Assassin’s Creed II (PS3)

The first Assassin’s didn’t impress me right away. It was not until after I played it and thought about it that I realized it was one of the more unique games to come out in this generation of systems in some time. Why? Because you lived the Crusades and lived it through DNA memories! The game had flaws (repetition) but the flaws were second to the ambition and style. Well those flaws have been addressed and even thought there are still some issues like wonky controls that sent me hurling off a building instead of up it (drove me F-ing nuts) and a genre changing tone that’s brings in strong(er) sci-elements and a “Prince of Persia” fighting vibe. Right now I’m not sure how well the third act genre twist works for me but I expect this game to grow on me just like the first did though for different reasons. The presentation, the plot and the utilization of the open world (this time Renaissance Italy teams you up with a gayed up Leonardo di Vinci and pits you against an evil Pope) have all been polished to a golden sparkle and while I’m far more interested in the Crusades setting of the first “Creed” this new game has a lot more range, variables and open possibilities for narrative growth in what I hope are many Assassinations to come.

***

8. Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (DS)

“Zelda” is comfort food at this point. Innovation is second to nostalgia though both is never a bad thing. It’s easy to forget how nice it is to have another new “Zelda” title come out. Sure this game looks pretty much exactly like the last DS “Zelda” entry but what this title does differently, it does well. The combat is improved, the hub dungeon is less annoying and new gadgets like a wind flute thingey you actually blow into (take that Ocarina!) are well implemented. What seals the deal on coolness is a new co-op gameplay twist has been added and can only be described as “Ico” meets “Full Metal Alchemist.” That’s right, Zelda herself (or, at least, her spirit) jumps into an empty suit of armor and actually joins Link on his quest to Defeat Random Bad Guy/Save The Land/Blah Blah Blah this time! How cool is that? And how progressive! Okay, so the story is far from great (this is “Zelda” after all) but I have come to the realization that the Zelda series, at this point in time, works much, much better as a handled game.

***

9. Mad World (Wii)

Does so much to prove to me that the Wii isn’t a one trick Yoshi. This game has style, artistry and blood. A LOT of blood. It’s an outrageous and funny game, “Smash TV” meets “Sin City,” but a solid brawler is at the center of all the black and white (and red!) pulp. The art design is simply amazing. And while I still can’t believe this is a Wii game, it plays just like one. The system could use more games like “Mad World” and “No More Heroes.”

***

10. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (PS3)

No great comic book adaptations may have been released in theaters but TWO great ones made it to video games 09?! That’ll never, ever, ever happen again. Choosing (wisely) to not follow the film’s worthless PG-13 storyline, this version of Wolverine’s origin proved to be way more enjoyable than it had any right to be. The basis for saying that is (a) just look at the film it’s promoting, and (b) the sorted history of “X-Men” video games is anything but reliable though I have a soft spot for the Genesis version. Similar to “Batman Arkham Asylum” (but not quite as well realized and significantly lacking in its boring puzzle sections–Wolverine does not solve puzzles, he smashes them) this action game is a success because it figured its character out and in the process allowed players to come as close as anyone may ever get to wielding Wolverine’s power effectively and enjoyably. This game is raw and nasty and Wolverine’s claws cut so deep that it may even have a right to be spoken of in the same breath as the great “Ninja Gaidan” series.

11. Borderlands (PS3)

Take “Fallout 3′s” apocalyptic world, add “Diablo’s” point/xp/treasure system and throw in “XIII’s” extreme FPS cell shading. That still can’t sum up this insane shooter. I put off playing this strange title because it looked silly (and, lo, it is!) but ultimately couldn’t resist giving it a shot, pun intended. I rented it, played it for a full day, returned it first thing the next day and bought it, knowing how much enjoyment I would get out of it. It’s not that the game has any real substance as a narrative or as an “original” FPS/RPG (the quests are repetitive and the game gets old before you beat it), it’s just that this game is insanely addictive. Collecting experience points and searching for new and better weapons has never been this fun. Oh man, the variety weapons is unparalleled in video games. Even impossible combinations like rapid fire revolvers, sniper rifles that explode upon impact, teleporting grenades and shot guns that fire as fas as machine guns are pulled off here with a great and goofy sense of fun.

12. Modern Warfare 2 (PS3)

I really wanted to hate “MW2,” the best selling game of 2009. After playing and liking it I still want to hate it! This game signals a sad shift towards the decline of the single player game experience. “MW2″ is overrated for a lot of reasons but as it turns out, popular for even more. I was really annoyed when I bought the game to discover that the story mode clocked in at under six hours. This is more of an expansion than a game but as glorified expansions-yet-not-called-expansions games go it offers way more than the “new” “Halo: OSDT.” When got into the multiplayer though I began to realized that any regret I had was gone baby gone because I will be playing the MP for years to come. So the value is there. And as short as the single player campaign is, it’s as bombastically epic as Bruckheimer movie minus the bad dialogue. The experience as a whole may be lacking but there many wow moments like No Russian: a level where you not only have the option to gun down hundreds of civilians in an airport because you’re “under cover,” but you lose the level if you attempt stop the terrorists (see video below). I can’t say this game didn’t make an impression on me even if it wasn’t a lasting one.

Gameplay Videos

The Rest of the Best

Punch Out!! (Wii)

It’s not “Super Punch Out.” That’s the worst thing I could think of to say about this game. Oh, I could also say there are not enough new boxers to spar with. The one new one is perhaps the most annoying game character to come out since Zelda’s Minda. But that’s it. This game is a blast, a joy, and a total ball buster (I still can’t re-beat all the levels). I’ll take smacking the hell out of King Hippo than anything “Fight Night Round 4″ had to offer.

Demon’s Souls (PS3)

Another breakout PS exclusive! “Demon souls” will kick your ass. And you will come back from the dead time and time again having learned something new and begging for more punishment. That’s rare in an industry that is making games easier and easier. The “Lord of the Rings” meets Middle Ages milleau provides interesting if drab visuals. The game is actually very minimalistic, that is until you encounter a giant ass kicking enemy that will put you in your place. And when you die, you die. No continues, no checkpoints. This game is an acquired taste but as many point out, its hard in a way that’s not unfair. While I’m played out on the fantasy RPG genre (hence, no “Dragon Age: Origins” on the list), this is a game I could get into for all these reasons as well as what is perhaps the best and most innovative use of on-line capabilities this year. Not the usual and mindless death match but a quasi MMORPG community of lost souls (actual players!) you see wandering in real-time in a parallel game universe. I love the touch of receiving posthumous tips from other people’s death (relive the last moments of other players’ lives is funny until it dawns on you that you’re probably next. I also liked kindly tips players leave on the ground like “danger ahead.” That’s an understatement my fellow fallen warriors. I should note that this is one of the few games on my list that I have not finished. The masochist in me can’t wait to.

Boom Blox: Bash Party (Wii)

Throwing balls at blocks is as fun as it ever was. That the sequel added on-line, DIY content makes it even better. This series is the best thing to come from Spielberg (he’s a producer) since “Raiders of the Lost Arc!”

Plants Vs. Zombies (PC)

Tower defense game are big these days and “PvZ” provides a fresh spin on things by having you defend your front yard from zombies. How does one do that? Well lets just say this low priced game delivers on the title in every way imaginable and a lot more you can’t imagine because you’re not high.

Street Fighter IV (PS3)

“Round One… FIGHT.” If I ever get tired of hearing those words, kill me. The only thing that hurt my enjoyment of this great fighting game is that I would rather play the superlative “Super Street Fighter II” HD Remix that was released only before IV. This new “Fighter” got its thunder stolen faster than an electrified Blanca zap.

Braid (PS3)

Yeah, okay, okay, it’s as good as everyone has said. It can be siad that the time manipulation, emo guy in a suit sorting through personal issues with a dinosaur story/gameplay has introduced a new video games genre that was previously just available in music and movies: hipster indie games.

Puzzle Quest Galatrix (DS)

If you had told me years ago that the addictive Tetris Attack match-three puzzle mechanic would not only reappear but do so in an RPG form I would have shit myself. And the poop would have looked like red, green, blue and yellow blocks. And it would form a poop combo of awesomeness. And I would get experience points for the poop!

Halo ODST (Xbox 360)

don’t get me wrong this game is a lot of fun. I loved the open worlds aspect, Flood-esq mode and the plot is better than Halo 3 but, come on Bungie, this isn’t a game its a $60 expansion.

***

Worst Game of the Year Goes To…

Bionic Commando. Combat is a mess. The visuals are boring. The story is stupid. The character looks horrible (dreadlocks!?). The product placements are insulting. And, worst of all, swinging with your bionic arm is not fun which is something I would have thought impossible because even in so-so games like Spider-Man 3 the joy of swinging is a given.

***

Flawed but Fun
Resident Evil 5–”I’m out of ammo!” Shut up Sheva, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
INfamous–I should have like this game. The game was beat (cool twist!). The game was ejected. The game was never thought of again.
Star Ocean: The Last Hope–not a great year for JRPGs. This Star Ocean prequel will buy time till Final Fantasy XIII

Fight Night: Round 4–This series needs to be revamped.

09 Systems Rankings

Playstation 3
Nintendo DS
iPhone (the games are cheap and they are addictive)
Xbox 360
PSP (not one good game released all year, that must be some sort of a record)

Money Spent On Videogames
A number just shy of $1,000

Trends

#1 Trend: Playstation trophies and to a lesser degree Xbox achievements. If my increase in video game playing can be attributed to one thing this year it’s a quirky personalty obsession with scoring trophies that reward everything from head shots to beating a game on hard. This trend gave me a tangible reason to play video games other than the fact that they’re really fun.
Good: Online play has reached a new peak. It’s better and more varied than it’s ever been.
Bad: X-Box 360 is an overrated, suck ass system that gathered more dust this year than my Wii. This is the first year that not one Xbox game made my top ten. That’s more sad than bad.
Bad: Xbox again for its unacceptable failure rate and for peopel for not caring that hte hardware is broken.
Good: IPs are strong.
Good: As games get bigger and more polished, even more get smaller and more fun. Games like Brand for PS3, Plants Vs. Zombies for PC and Shadow Complex for Xbox signal a welcome trend of indie games that rely more on core gameplay than production values.
Bad: DLCs (added content for games you own). They suck and are overpriced.
Bad: The words Sony and handheld should never go together. PSP Go is a system that cost almost as much as a PS3 and games can only be downloaded.

Golden Globe Nom Reactions

Greg Douglass — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 21:48:47 +0000

The Golden Globes kick off what’s going to be a very boring year for awards.

Maybe Our Movie Doesn't Suck

Good:

Kathryn Bigelow nominated for Hurt Locker… against ex husband James Cameron. Hahaha. Seriously, that’s historic!
Basterds!!!!!!!!!
Invictis not getting a best pic nomination. I haven’t even seen the film and I love Clint, so why does this make me happy? Probably because it looks like just another biopic.
The Hangover. Yup.
Hum, maybe Avatar won’t be bad after all.
Star Trek not nominated for best pic.
Michael Stuhlbarg nominated for A Serious Man is cool. Still not sure he’s going to get an Oscar nom so this is something at least.
Three words: Joseph Gordon Levitt.
White Ribbon nominated for Foreign film (but sadly not picture).
True Blood nominated for Best Drama. Thanks for going where the Emmys were afraid to go.
Jane “Hung,”Jane “Hung,” Hane “Jung.”
John Lithgow nominated for his amazing performance as a killer in Dexter. Far too few people remember how good Lithgow was playing killers in the Brian de Palma films Obsession and Raising Cain.

Um, Not So Good:

The headline Up in the Air leads Golden Globe Nominations. Couldn’t have happened to a more overrated film. Well, it could have, Lovely Bones, but that wasn’t nominated thank god.
Ponyo misses the cut for best animated film. Don’t worry though, that fucking Meatball movie made it.
Composer James Horner gets nominated for Avatar. Have not seen the film, or heard it, but my ears are already bleeding. Wishing now that Horner stayed where he belongs, in the 90s!
Tobey Maguire nominated for “acting”…
… and Jeremy Renner (so good in Hurt Locker) was not. Fuck that noise, yo!
Oh, and Viggo got shut out too. Viggo, Viggo, where are you? Can you hear me? Viggo???!!!
Christian McKay not nominated for playing Orson Welles.
I can’t wait to see It’s Complicatednow ::sarcasm:: because I’m sure the best screenplay nod for Something’s Gotta Give 2 this film is justified. Argh.
THREE double nominated actors: Sandra Bullock, Matt Damon, Meryl Streep.
Did I mention Sandra Bullockwas nominated TWICE. And one of them was for THE PROPOSAL!!! Since the Globes is all about star fucking how ever did Ryan Reynolds miss out?
Julia Roberts? Duplicity? What? Oh, yeah, more star fucking.
Lost not nominated for Best Drama. The nominated House is way better and is not like the same ever season.
Um, where’s the Bryan Cranston and Breaking Bad nominations? I forgot, House is soooo better and more innovative.

Paper Street Emmys: Ten Best Shows

Greg Douglass — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 08:58:12 +0000

forget the Emmys, my vote for the best shows on TV goes to…

1. Lost season 5

The best show on TV right now is “Lost.” That’s it. List closed. Nothing on television came close or even tried to come as close. The formula for success these last few years owes just as much to the show’s blessed lack of filler episodes as it does the twisty turny back-to-the-past-to-the-future plot which spun heads, blew minds, and confused the retarded mainstream network audience who found a lot more comfort in the millions of stand alone murder shows than this deep mythology that actually –how dare it– required abstract thinking! If I could go back in time a year just about the only thing I’d do is re watch this season and, okay, maybe also spare myself the trauma of watching “Transformers 2.” Season’s 4 and 5 of “Lost” will go down in my book as a miraculous return to form that surpasses what I thought the “form” or format was in the first place! That the lush visuals are as eye popping and layered as the retro storytelling (most of the season is set in the 70s, which allows Hurley to “make some improvements” on the Star Wars OS!!!), nuanced characters and the nerd god comic writer Brian K Vaughn make “Lost” the most pleasurable show on television in what’s gotta be years. And that’s despite the vacuous vortex of fan (un)favorites Jack and Kate. This a brave and brilliant show whose impact on TV’s landfill landscape will really be felt and missed once it finishes its run next year.

2. Damages season 2

This is a fantastic lawyer show. Next to “Law and Order” in the 90s, the best lawyer show ever shot in fact, though I’m not a fan of the genre so what do I know? Well, what I do know is that season 2 does not suffer from the sophomore slump that many claimed it had. They said it was overly complicated and that there were too many characters and then I issue them with a subpoena of whoop ass. Not sure if we are watching the same show because what I see here is a consistently entertaining drama that does not take the easy way out by being a Grisham-y thriller and, instead, is more “Murder One” in the way it submerges the viewer in a single case throughout the season (Glen Close vs. a dicky corporation vs. a superb William Hurt as the whistle blowing wife killing baby daddy) and surprises us by making characters we love bastards then making us love the bastards. I also give “Damages” credit for being the only show on TV besides the above one for using a flash forward framing device well.

3. Breaking Bad season 2

Controversial, I know, but this is the best show on AMC. I don’t know about it being great art like ”Mad Men” but it is certainly great in terms of blending genres (death, drugs, action, family comedy genres) and pulling off the neat trick of being entertaining, perhaps even funny, and dramatically inclined as well. Dying teacher turned drug dealer Walter White’s wife (whoa, three Ws!), as always, is annoying. So is his wigger partner Jesse “I can’t do this anymore, dogggggg!” Pinkman. But that only makes us flock to Cranston’s wonderfully drawn/driven Walt even more, does it not? We literally feel his pain it comes from all angels as well as from within. And in a fantastic development/evolution of the character, his moral ambiguity is leaning ever more towards the sinister side as he gets, against all odds, healthier. Before he had nothing to loose, now he has something to live for… and a lot to loose! If this keeps up the show’s going to have a lot of dark stuff to work through in subsequent seasons. Is redemption possible? Really, really solid stuff… except, of course, for the mind numbingly stupid opening flash-forwards this season depicting a stuffed animal in a bombed out pool leading up the season ender that, with a literal explosion of suckage, is trying to be “Lost” or, god, I don’t know what.

4. Smallville season 8–Wait, wait, come back! I haven’t lost it! Hey look, I even put “Mad Men” on my list to make up for my obsequious ”Smallville” love, okay. This is an indulgence but an indulgence I’m proud to defend (which is more than “Hero” fans could do these last few years) if you’ll hear me out. This show is not considered good by the public, it’s not critically respected and it’s not even a niche show like “Supernatural.” For Christ’s (or Jor-El’s) sake, even ”Smallville” fans are sick of “Smallville!” Bah! That it’s still on the air sometimes feels like a gift to me and me alone because I’ve never come into contact with an admirer. Whatever, season 8, coming off a good IMO (but, again, unpopular) season 7, was spectacular. Gone is Lana and the puppy love. Gone is the farm and city of Smallville (they should have changed the name of this show then, huh). Gone even is Lex Luther of all people (previously the best aspect and actor of the show). Here is a “grown up” Clark who is now a reporter at the Daily Planet in Metropolis and now acting halfway straight with his emerging feelings for Lois Lane. The usual array of lame plots and gags and, sigh, Lois Lane Lame (Erica Durance is so bad that I can’t look away) still exists but the show as a whole feels renewed and exciting to a point where it’s almost a new show. I should credit the show for subbing in the great comic writer Geoff Jones (I’m NOT a DC guy but even I’ve read and love his Green Lantern series), who, in just a few episodes (one nifty one has a team from the future assisting this boy Clark who “doesn’t even act like the man of steel” to defeat Brainiac) justifies and even argues in favor of the retconned existence this show’s “world,” is an enormous honor. It would be one thing to say it’s all Geoff but it’s not. The “big” episodes are some of the best of the series. All that plus… Doomsday.

5. Venture Brothers Season 3

I adore this show and this season. Not just because it’s the most coherent and structured narrative being spun on Adult Swim but because season 3 found the Venture team looking a lot more reflective and, uh, a lot more nude too (the uncensored DVDs are a eye gouging blast–just wait till Dr. Venture jumps in a hot tub in all his glory… with a bomb strapped to him to boot). From the secret League of Extraordinary Gentlemen take off (set years before whatever date or universe “Venture Bros” is set in) to Sampson’s military origins (he answers to a guy that looks like a grizzled Sergent Slaughter with one addition: he has giant breasts) to poor Rusty’s childhood trauma (Papa Venture was a huge dick… literally), this season could have just provided more random fun (violence and humor need not always have a purpose on Adult Swim after all) but it instead chose to deepen the show’s increasingly madcap mythology.

6. 24 season 7–I love what I’m about to write: 24 is back!

7. Aqua Teen Hunger Force season who the F knows?

Perhaps my favorite show of all time. That said (and not said lightly): this is not one of the best seasons to date and I’m not saying that just because I have no idea what season the show is currently in exactly–I think the last four unaired episodes of season 5 were grafted or reused for season 6 but I have no fucking idea why!!! Certainly, though, this modernist (or surreal, or postmodern or whatever else they’re selling) animated show is unlike anything on TV. Last year I loved the underground creature/curvy PC repair girl (don’t ask) “CHUD” story because, well, any episode that shows Frylock for what he is (a lonely, needy, repressed creep) is instantly great. And of course how can I forget any episode that features a hairless Wookie? God damn! And the return of the “Dickasode” Dick Man was the dick flavored cherry on top, who, instead of attempting to leave the planet on a jet made of dicks, this time goes undercover as the toothfairy to makes a ship out of, yes, teeth… POWERED BY DICKS (but not really)! And what can be said about the live action episode? Erm, I’m still trying to figure that one out. Lots of fun. Lots of WTFs. Lots of meat, fries and master milkshakes. I hope it lasts forever.

8. True Blood season 1 and 2

It took me sooooo long to make the leap and watch/commit to ”True Blood.” It’s not that I was not keen on the subject (I practically have a tattoo that says “I heart gay vampire shit”) or the pedigree (Alan Ball, whose “Six Feet Under” was as good as it was infuriating) but, rather, than I knew I would like the show which is “Twilight” for people with a sense of humor. So of course I finally watched and, yes, finally fell in love with the deep fried southern horror cheese. Vampires have made a comeback these last few years and I like that the mythology here does not take itself as serious as just about any other vampire mythology. It’s refreshing to laugh at vampires and the people who love/hate/fuck em and the writing team provides just enough cultural/political relevance to keep it from being total fluff. But mostly, it’s fun in a woman porn sexy kind of way. Even when it sucks (ha!), like the drunken orgy that was season 2′s main plotline (umm, “True Blood” did you forget this is a VAMPIRE show!), it’s laid back cornball charm is always on display and always hard to resist. Or perhaps I’ve just been glamored into liking the show.

9. Darker than Black series

The best new anime since “Death Note” is one that’s a lot harder to describe. “DTB” is not all out creepy and it does not resort to spiky hair/emo boy anime cliches. Stories move slow (most are two parts) and don’t always have true payoffs. What’s not lost is the show’s intense sci-fi driven wallop set in a world that’s… changed. By what? An alien dimensional portal that turns humans into X-Men (and I guess you could say X-files) like mutants. That we don’t know quite how is what makes this fantasy world so interesting. This show is mature and adult, but not talky and boring. We get really cool plots with international intrigue and cops but also hell gates and talking cats.

10. Dexter season 3

Gets worse with every passing season. So why do I still love “Dexter” do death? The character is that charming. You could put him in “Grey’s Anatomy” and I’d like it (provided he kills them)! This season sees Dex reverting deeper and deeper into the well of madness that is not serial killing so much as domestic life. WTF, NOOOOO! Here’s an idea, let’s have Dexter NOT buy donuts for his non-kids and not fight with his girlfriend and soon to be wife about where he goes or who he is. He’s Dexter, damn it, and he needs to be free!

10.2 Mad Men season 2

I’m not going to orgasim all over this show like everyone else but I’m also not going to deny its spellbinding power. What grabs me is simple. Complex characters engaged in struggles so internal that they hardly exist on the surface and are rarely spoken of directly. How… European. The show never opts for easy explanations and scene after scene plays out where we have no ideawhat, exactly, characters are thinking. The mystery, rooted in ordinary 60s corporate climate juxtaposed with “normal” domestic life, makes made ”Mad Men” an enigma of sunny and dark proportions. A symbolic anxiety is always looming over the narrative and that cloud never seems to part, even when characters are smiling. It’s odd though that a show so smart can be so dumb when it comes to the anything but subtle shoehorning of real life historical moments like Cuban Missile Crisis that are juxtaposed with the inner turmoil of the characters (sooooo contrived and unoriginal). This season, which started off slow and worked itself into quite a little package with a great separation subplot, even managed to make Don Draper’s previously unexplained past compelling (the L.A. set episode ”Jet Setter” in the pic above possesses the series best writing and directing to date!), and this is something that season one failed to do.

also great…

Battlestar Galatica–I must admit that I have not finished season 4.5. And what does it say about the show that I’m afraid or unwilling to finish out of fear of it sucking as much as I think it will? Hit or miss it may, but this is a landmark show that will be missed and, no, I’m not watching “Caprica.”
Eastbound and Down season 1–Kenny Powers is that good, deal with it motherfuckers!
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia–Gets better and better as television comedy gets worse and worse.
Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles–fare thee well sci-fi network show. You never stood a chance.

In a few days I’ll give a mention to the best and worst actors, writers etc.

Emmy Reactions: Thirty WHAT?

Greg Douglass — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 22:42:38 +0000

Where’s the Battlestar nominations? Where’s the brilliantly goofy (and gay) True Blood? Where’s 24 (it’s best season since 5)? How about The Shield? David Duchovny on Californiacation? And for a show that has rallied to become near perfect in its penultimate season, the biggest Emmy mistery in Lost’s fifth season is that it didn’t get more love.

Bitching: It seems to me that while people who like TV are happy with some of the offbeat choices, I’m not. Granted, I’m happy that bad popular shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Two & a Half Men, Boston Legal and ER were rightfully left off, just as many overrated critically respected shows like Flight of the Conchords and Big Love and the worst “good” show ever Entourage (not only past its prime but horrible when it was in its prime) were all mentioned. And don’t get me started on the “multi talented” Tina Fey and her “multi talented” 30 Rock, a show I watch but not a show I see as worthy of Best Comedy let alone winning its THIRD straight best comedy award. As for Mad Men, the show’s second season was quietly masterful but kinda the same as its first–did it really deserve four out of five writing nominations? What does it say about an industry that feels only Mad Man is written well? Sames goes for the best comedy writing slot, four of five of which belong to 30 Rock. YIKES! So the two biggest categories are locked up for not just this year but the foreseeable future. Boring. And so are most of the nominations like House and The Office and, oh, why go on, network TV is clearly dead and rotting in the “reality” wastelands. Overall there’s only a few new shows that got recognized and they’re the wrong ones (subjective, I know). Family Guy is one of them. Repeat, Family Guy is one of them. Here is a show that never won the best animated show category (Simpsons and South Park dominate, and should!) yet it breaks a lot of ground for being the FIRST animated show to ever get nominated as best comedy? THE. FUCK?! That’s an insult to the wonderful medium of animated television. Even more shudder inducing is the notion that, thanks to the Emmys, Drew Barrymore now has been honored for her acting abilities.

The stuff I like: Breaking Bad is a solid if not ground breaking drama. And Damages, while easy to dismiss as another lawyer show, is fantastic (yay for Glen Close, who will win again and should, and double yay for Rose Byrne getting her first nom and triple yay for William Hurt! Good show). I’m surprised both got nominated considering the Emmy’s preference for safe and mediocre programming. Same with Lost, the show’s almost too good to be nominated by this awards group. Still, it should have gotten more respect beyond Michael Emmerson and a single wiring nod (Jeremy Davies as the bearded, time traveling physicist turned in the best and most poignant performance all year) but at least it got a best show nomination because, really, that’s what it is. On the subject of snubbed actors, it’s appalling that Keifer missed the list this year for 24 when he got nominated for the far worse 6th season (his non-action turn in the last episode is a high point for this sad, sad character) but the upside is that the fantastic Cherry Jones got recognised for her presidential turn on that show. Battlestar‘s lone nomination for Michael Rymer (directed the first and, now, last BG episode) is a no brainer which, considering that is coming from an awards show with no brains, is quite an ironic feat. Yes, Mad Men is great but a lot of the actors that made it that way were left off like Vincent Kartheiser (he may reek of the Emmys still-standing Joss Whedon curse) but one, John Hamm, was not only left onbut snagged a guest star nomination too! He really should win this year as his stoic Don Draper never fails to impress as a character. Same goes for Elizabeth Moss on Mad Men, she really grew this season. And, you know, not a fan of the show but same goes for Tracy Morgan on 30 Rockwho rocks despite the show’s hammy hands! Oh, yeah, and about Dexter… hum, the third season (of which I only saw half) is easily its worst (Dexter the dad is lamer than hell and I refuse to accept it) but, even so, bad Dexter is better than almost anything else.

Outstanding Comedy Series

30 Rock
Entourage
Family Guy
Flight Of The Conchords
How I Met Your Mother
The Office
Weeds

Outstanding Drama Series

Big Love
Breaking Bad
Damages
Dexter
House
Lost
Mad Men

(acting nominees and more, after the cut)

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series

30 Rock • Alec Baldwin, as Jack Donaghy
Flight Of The Conchords • Jemaine Clement, as Jemaine
Monk • Tony Shalhoub, as Adrian Monk
The Big Bang Theory • Jim Parsons, as Sheldon Cooper
The Office • Steve Carell, as Michael Scott
Two And A Half Men • Charlie Sheen, as Charlie Harper

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series

Breaking Bad • Bryan Cranston, as Walter White
Dexter • Michael C. Hall, as Dexter Morgan
House • Hugh Laurie, as Dr. Gregory House
In Treatment • Gabriel Byrne, as Paul
Mad Men • Jon Hamm, as Don Draper
The Mentalist • Simon Baker, as Patrick Jane

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie

24: Redemption • Kiefer Sutherland, as Jack Bauer
Cyrano de Bergerac (Great Performances) • Kevin Kline, as Cyrano de Bergerac
Into The Storm • Brendan Gleeson, as Winston Churchill
King Lear (Great Performances) • Sir Ian McKellen, as King Lear
Taking Chance • Kevin Bacon, as LtCol Mike Strobl
Wallander: One Step Behind • Kenneth Branagh, as Kurt Wallander

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series

30 Rock • Tina Fey, as Liz Lemon
Samantha Who? • Christina Applegate, as Samantha Newly
The New Adventures Of Old Christine • Julia Louis-Dreyfus, as Christine
The Sarah Silverman Program • Sarah Silverman, as Sarah Silverman
United States Of Tara • Toni Collette, as Tara Gregson
Weeds • Mary-Louise Parker, as Nancy Botwin

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series

Brothers & Sisters • Sally Field, as Nora Walker
Damages • Glenn Close, as Patty Hewes
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit • Mariska Hargitay, as Detective Olivia Benson
Mad Men • Elisabeth Moss, as Peggy Olson
Saving Grace • Holly Hunter, as Grace Hanadarko
The Closer • Kyra Sedgwick, as Brenda Leigh Johnson

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series

30 Rock • Tracy Morgan, as Tracy Jordan
30 Rock • Jack McBrayer, as Kenneth Parcell
Entourage • Kevin Dillon, as Johnny Drama
How I Met Your Mother • Neil Patrick Harris, as Barney Stinson
The Office • Rainn Wilson, as Dwight Schrute
Two And A Half Men • Jon Cryer, as Alan Harper

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series

Boston Legal • William Shatner, as Denny Crane
Boston Legal • Christian Clemenson, as Jerry Espenson
Breaking Bad • Aaron Paul, as Jesse Pinkman
Damages • William Hurt, as Daniel Purcell
Lost • Michael Emerson, as Ben Linus
Mad Men • John Slattery, as Roger Sterling

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series

30 Rock • Jane Krakowski, as Jenna Maroney
Pushing Daisies • Kristin Chenoweth, as Olive Snook
Saturday Night Live • Amy Poehler, as Various Characters
Saturday Night Live • Kristin Wiig, as Various Characters
Ugly Betty • Vanessa Williams, as Wilhelmina Slater
Weeds • Elizabeth Perkins, as Celia Hodes

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series

24 • Cherry Jones, as President Allison Taylor
Damages • Rose Byrne, as Ellen Parsons
Grey’s Anatomy • Sandra Oh, as Dr. Christina Yang
Grey’s Anatomy • Chandra Wilson, as Dr. Miranda Bailey
In Treatment • Dianne Wiest, as Gina
In Treatment • Hope Davis, as Mia

Outstanding Directing For A Comedy Series

30 Rock • Apollo, Apollo • Millicent Shelton
30 Rock • Reunion • Beth McCarthy
30 Rock • Generalissimo • Todd Holland
Entourage • Tree Trippers • Julian Farino
Flight Of The Conchords • The Tough Brets • James Bobin
The Office • Stress Relief • Jeff Blitz

Outstanding Directing For A Drama Series

Battlestar Galactica • Daybreak (Part 2) • Michael Rymer
Boston Legal • Made In China/Last Call • Bill D’Elia
Damages • Trust Me • Todd A. Kessler
ER • And In The End • Rod Holcomb
Mad Men • The Jet Set • Phil Abraham

Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series

30 Rock • Reunion • Matt Hubbard
30 Rock • Apollo, Apollo • Robert Carlock
30 Rock • Mamma Mia • Ron Weiner
30 Rock • Kidney Now! • Jack Burditt, Robert Carlock
Flight Of The Conchords • Prime Minister • James Bobin, Jemaine Clement, Bret McKenzie

Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series

Lost • The Incident • Carlton Cuse, Damon Lindelof
Mad Men • A Night To Remember • Robin Veith, Matthew Weiner
Mad Men • Six Month Leave • Andre Jacquemetton, Maria Jacquemetton, Matthew Weiner
Mad Men • The Jet Set • Matthew Weiner
Mad Men • Meditations In An Emergency • Kater Gordon, Matthew Weiner