I am, as always, humbled by Allen’s body of work. No other director living or dead has done what Allen has done. He has made an indelible mark on not just cinema in general but has helped to define and shape the cinema of four separate decades.  Which era of Allen is best? It’s hard to say. What I can say is that he is prolific, he is a genus and he is also a fool (which makes him even more of a genus). Note/Warning: I will probably copy/paste what I just said when he dies.

1. Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989) The best of all shades of Allen: comedy, whimsy and deep, dark disturbed moral pathos.
2. The Purple Rose of Cairo (1985) Allen’s shortest and sweetest. His one true fable. This film cannot be praised enough.
3. Zelig (1983) “And to the, to the gentleman who’s appendix I took out, I…I’m, I don’t know what to say, if it’s any consolation I… I may still have it somewhere around the house.“
4. Take the Money and Run (1969) Best “old school Allen.” The laughs in this film however never get old.
5. Deconstructing Harry (1997) It’s easy to overlook this one. I think time will be good to it in terms of how its viewed by stupid-ass critics who dismissed it when it came out.
6. Hannah and Her Sisters (1986) Woody! Caine! Woody! Caine!
7. Match Point (2005) Sex and death. That about sums up life.
8. Love and Death (1975) “There are many different kinds of love, Boris. There’s love between a man and a woman; between a mother and son… ” Boris: “Two women. Let’s not forget my favorite.”
9. Stardust Memories (1980) I had to watch this three or four times to love it.
10. Annie Hall (1977) Great, but..his best?
11. Interiors (1978)
12. Manhattan (1979)
13. Sweet and Lowdown (1999)
14. Radio Days (1987)
15. Bullets Over Broadway (1994) “I don’t write hits. My plays are art. They’re written specifically to go unproduced.”
16. Cassandra’s Dream (2007)
17. Whatever Works (2009)
18. New York Stories: Oedipus Wrecks segment (1989) I wish Woody did more  short/one-act films.
19. Husbands and Wives (1992)
20. Melinda and Melinda (2004) Goes down as his most underrated.
21. Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)
22. Broadway Danny Rose (1984)
23. Another Woman (1988)
24. Hollywood Ending (2002) His second most underrated film. The premise is solid.
25. September (1987)
26. Celebrity (1998) “I’ve become the person I’ve always hated, but I’m happier.”
27. Alice (1990)
28. Anything Else (2003)
29. Scoop (2006)
30. Shadows and Fog (1991)
31. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (1972) The Gene Wilder segment with the sheep is great.
32. Sleeper (1973)
33. Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)
34. Everyone Says I Love You (1996)
35. Mighty Aphrodite (1995) You didn’t want a blowjob so the least I could do is get you a tie.
36. A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy (1982)
37. Small Time Crooks (2000)
38. Bananas (1971)
39. What’s Up, Tiger Lily? (1966)
40. The Curse of the Jade Scorpion (2001) yes, this is his worst. the only Allen film I would have to call “bad” as hard as that is for me to say.

• What Works:Woody Allen. Larry David. There ya go. This is the best thematic version of relativism in Allen’s career.
• Whatever Dosen’t Work: A lot of old and recycled ideas, lines, characters.
• Faux Peter Travers Quote: I’m from New York so I’m not allowed to call Allen’s latest “a dazzling force du Woody.”

Older, wiser and bitter-um-er, Woody Allen returns to New York once again and, once again, nobody seems to care. The dying breed that is print critics, especially the self deified ones from New York, are too cool for Allen and too afraid of seeming out of touch. Instead, they’re too busy sucking Pixar doodle and telling everyone to run out and see “The Proposal” (48 on Metacritic) instead of “Whatever Works” (low 40s). And people will listen, not because they listen to critics (no way) but because the public also dismisses Allen. America’s punishment: his impressive European film spree (”Match Point,” “Scoop,” “Cassandra’s Dream,” “Vicky Christina Barcelona”) that will no doubt resume any day (or year) now.  His next film is being made in London by the way.

Whatever, Allen has returned after his (justified) cultural exile to make a film about, what else, his neuroses, his creepy old-man lust, his black hole world view and, well, his self! After so many years of all kinds of brilliance (dramatic Woody, comedic/dramatic Woody, light comedy Woody, urbane comedy Woody, dumb comedy Woody, Fellini Woody, Bergman Woody, etc.) there’s not much else to say at this point about his unparalleled body of work except that his latest entry, “Whatever Works,” is vintage Woody Allen “comedy” in terms of plot, dialogue and laid back filmmaking. That is no surprise considering the screenplay is thirty+ years old and was intended for the never-funny Zero Mostel. The always-funny Larry David has stepped in and thank god… for which there is none.  

Vintage Allen, yes, with the difference that headliner Larry David does Woody Allen much in the same way Kenneth Branagh did him in “Celebrity.” The pairing of star and director works brilliantly this time because the star, David, is a disciple of the director where as Branagh is an offshoot of Lawrence Oliver. The film is not related to “Celebrity” however. Instead, it’s a healthy mix of the urban pontifications and crabby mentor/young protegee style of ”Anything Else” and the sexual configuration /reconfigurations of “Vicky Christina Barcelona.” As David’s imbettered character recoils at “the horror, the horror” of life, calling everyone below his level of “genus” morons and tapeworms and imbeciles and curses all institutions while living in fear of the hell that is other people, he also learns to love thanks to a young visitor Melodie, the good-for-the-first-time Evan Rachael Wood. Against all cosmic odds the relationship ends up working because she likes put downs and he puts everything down, and because she likes listening and he likes talking. And, boy, does he talk. When David wakes up in a cold sweat fearing that the universe is ending the dialogue is familiar but worth re-hearing when coming from Larry David’s mouth.  

David’s character Boris Yellnikoff often chastises the young Melodie, a dim (but not really as it turn out) southern belle, for her naive use of cliché among other things. When Boris makes a cliché himself during one of his many rants, she calls him on it. Boris quickly recovers by positing the notion that sometimes the only way to get to the truth of a matter is through cliché. That’s what Allen the writer is doing here. Allen has been at it for so long that when Boris turns to the screen –breaking the fourth wall– to talk to us about how the audience doesn’t seem to be with him towards the end of the film, it feels appropriate even if it’s not the most clever moment of self reflexivity in the always meta Allen’s oeuvre. 

 The plot follows exactly as one would expect and there are very few surprises in terms of the plot or Allen’s approach. That’s fine by me because, remember, ”Whatever Works” is light Allen and only fools should expect Allen to break new ground every year, especially with his comedies. Some years we get “Match Point” and every calls the film genus and Allen a comeback figure while other years we get ”Scoop” and everyone freaks out, saying he’s lost his touch. I always find this auteur alarmism amusing as it fails to take into account the fact that sometimes Allen just needs to make a film for the sake of making a film! In that respect “Whatever Works” is the stretch before his workout resumes again.  

With characters like Patricia Clarkson as Melodie’s mother (who goes from Bible belt babbling to New York hippie in a New York minute) and Ed Bagley Jr. as her father (who goes from homophobic redneck to, um, something else in a New York second) to Boris’ eye rolling friends (oh, how I love Michael McKean, even when he’s not doing much in a movie) to the Brit hunk played by Henry Cavill that tries to steal Melodie away from Boris (he’s the film’s weakest link), the supporting cast is larger than I expected and, for the most part, amusing. I especially, and for reasons I cannot explain, enjoyed watching Ed Begley Jr. join Allen’s universe (I’m hoping he becomes the new Tony Roberts). So the cast is nice even though I found myself a bit disappointed that David’s character gets a bit lost in the plot towards the third act. Still, Boris’ presence is strong throughout the picture and, besides, Allen may have made the right choice in cutting back a bit from him because a little bit of Boris (and David) goes a long way. “Curb Your Enthusiasm” is great, but great in 30 minute bursts. Two hours of David is a different story. And while I’m on the subject: is Larry David any good here? Yes, of course he is, he’s great at negotiating his own style with Allen’s voice and I hope he works with Allen again and again. But is he any good as an actor? No, but of course he isn’t, he’s Larry David and Larry David gets a pass because… he’s Larry David.

Belittling kids and befouling bathrooms (while obsessive compulsively singing “Happy Birthday” to himself), Boris is a mean bastard but what surprised me most about this film is how optimistic it ends up becoming. The title itself is a reference to Boris’ insistence that the “chamber of horrors” we call life is so bleak and oppressive against the human condition that whatever happiness we can squeeze out of the toothpaste tube of life should be taken and embraced. The film ends up being a highly profound relativistic ode to finding happiness on whatever terms we can because life is as short as Woody Allen. The film even manages to end with the shot of a group hug where all characters embrace each other in a harmonious circle. In the drama/comedy “Away We Go,” sentimentality is cheap and used as a device. In this film it’s touching and earned because characters are able to grow and learn while still remaining the same flawed characters.   

“Whatever Works” is a comfort in a way only Allen films can be comforting. They’re fun, they are cynicle and they are reliable. It’s like snuggling up next to a fluffy pillow every night… that’s cold, prickly and always reminds your head that mortality is imminent and the darkness of death is nothing compared to the darkness of your room at night.

Grade: A-

• What’s Good:Galifianakis
• What’s Not: Masturbating a baby is not funny. Just kidding, it’s hilarious!

As funny as it sounds/As funny as it looks/As funny as it isI still didn’t really go crazy with this one. I admire the hell out of it however and that’s something I rarely do with popular comedies. The tone is just right (edgy, not to soft yet not too mean) and the premise (”After Hours,” meet “Dude Where’s My Car”) is clearly on to something with audiences looking for something beat off, er, off beat. Because, really, all “The Hangover” is  is a no bull shit adult comedy, which, considering all the other shit we’ve been fed (JUDD APPATOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), this shit smells pretty good. Director Todd Phillips says that most comedies are 40% bad behavior and 60% apologizing for bad behavior. Examples of this are from the above director Apatow, whose great-ish films (”40-Year-Old Virgin” and “Knocked Up”) are ruined by second half back peddling and of course “Wedding Crashers,” a film where the crashing stops and pussification starts about twenty minutes into the film. What allows for bad behavior here is that the characters don’t remember doing it (hence the title) in the past and don’t realize they’re doing it in the present and this ”Memento” like daze gives the film a truly unique comedic angle that other comedies just don’t have.

There is no apologizing here. Babies (and babes) will get abused and racial slurs will go flying without so much as a second guess as to if it’s funny. It is! But the film is not out to shock like so many post “Pie” comedies. There is also an endless supply of strangely quoteable dialogue with random lines like “Tigers lover pepper, they hate cinnamon” and “It would be so cool if I could breast feed” spoken by man child Zach Galifianakis. So, yeah, I admire it and yet my Hangover was a mostly passive experience with a constant thought of “hum, that there’s really funny” occurring without so much as cracking a teehee. I am proud to say that I, along with a lot of moviegoers, knew this was going to be something special for months but somehow that didn’t translate into rushing out to see it. From months before to a full month after “THE EVENT” –and after everybody told me this film is exactly as good as I figured it would be– I saw it and of course felt like I had already seen it and already liked it. The effect, contrived as it seems, is that of having seen something really cool while under the influence and forgetting you saw it only to see it again and go “Oh, yeah–that.”

Grade: B

• What’s Good: …crickets.
• What’s Not: The film is condescending and full of toxic smugness. The lack of character consistency makes the comedy not funny and drama not convincing. This is an all-around horrible experience full of bad melodrama, annoying musical interludes and hit or miss, or really miss comedic moments. What stings the most is that the script is by David Eggers who wrote a brilliant “Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.”
• Faux Peter Traverse Quote: Up, up and away we go to the best movie of the year! If this golden gem will make your heart sing and loins crackle you’re a soulless McCain supporter.

From the endless navel gazings of “American Beauty” to the constant “I’m better than this!” whining of “Revolutionary Road’s” young lovers, British director Sam Mendes makes films about annoying people with monstrous senses of entitlement that also feel they’re way more profound than they are. Mendes slops it on until you too want to commit suicide or at least help his characters along the way with their self induced/publicly inflicted misery. His new film is all that with the added stylistic device that it is indie film grandiose instead of overly cinematogrophized (my word) grandiose–I would give this artfully dreadful dramedy a big fat F worthy of the equally self absorbed “Rachael Getting Married” if it were not a competent piece if filmmaking. And by competent I mean it’s shot in focus. What is not competent is everything else I saw.

“Away We Go” gets a lot of use out of its not-so-clever title. A LOT. The film is about a funny/sad couple who scour North America looking for a place to live. The reason: Because the girl Maya Rudolph is pregnant and her boyfriend, played by the overrated phenomenon that is John Kransinski, has no job. So….. FOLKY MUSIC/ROAD TRIP TIME!!! because poor 33-year-olds can totally afford to jet across the continent and back. This is the kind of empty and meandering planes/trains/automobiles odyssey that has no reason to exist other than to show you how unique its characters are and how strange everyone else in the world is. It’s about alienation in that respect but about about self-promotion in all others in the sense that wherever they go and whatever they see it’s ALWAYS about them. In a post “Garden State” (curse you Zach Braff!) cinematic world, the film’s only addition to this newly popular (and yet to be bearable) thirty-something approved genre is that it’s a co-existential drama/comedy. That equates to double the smug and double the misery.

That’s a big problem. As one road trip rendezvous bleeds into another the film’s humor works at times but I kept having to ask myself what purpose it served. When the two leach, I mean leads meet an Arizona couple who shout out random threats and vulgarities like “my tits are down to my knees… and they have hair on them!” (contrary to that line, Allison Janney’s F-word blasting mom is best thing about this film), it’s meant to be funny. When they meet a Canadian couple who have adopted four kids and force them to watch only the happy parts of “The Sound of Music” because can’t have any on their own, it’s sad. The  new-age hippie couple is funny (or, at least, the film thinks they are) whereas the brother whose wife just left him is sad. On and on. The film seems to be struggling to making a point about the fracturing of America (or something) but the narrative does not uphold that already thin theme in any consistent or believable way. It just twists it inward. The dialogue is also maddening in is bi-polarity. The non-leads that pop in and crash out are way too sitcom-y and the leads say random-ass things like “If I die, tell the baby that I went out fighting Russian soldiers to keep Chechnyan orphans safe” (”I’m paraphrasing but probably saying it better than the film would). As if afraid to really talk seriously the characters usually espouse such ”funny” lines in the middle of the billions of dead serious what-does-it-all-mean discussion that go nowhere and go nowhere often.

The film’s phony hipster musings are nauseating and it’s plot is noxious. There is nothing I like about this film. Think of a structurally similar film like “Broken Flowers” in which a man goes on a journey to meet past lovers and take away all the quirky charm and brilliance then add a cast of forced personalities and a non stop stream of eclectically hip tunes. The film’s plot is as mechanical as its emotional pallet. Intertitles say “Away to Arizona” followed by the couple going to Arizona, followed by the couple meeting that couple and getting creeped out by their CRAZZZZZZZIIIINEESSSSS followed by a nighttime conversation about the baby to be or childhood issues (waaaaaaah, my parents died when I was 22) or some other insufferable bore (the story about Maya Rudolph and her sister attaching fake plastic fruit to a failed lemon tree is so no metaphorical or poignant) followed by a line, the next day, like “Hey, lets go to ___ to visit my ___.” Repeat, rinse, and after the tenth nostalgic musical cue that more or less tells you exactly what to think or how to feel: puke.

Just about the only thing that is not mechanical are the main characters. They’re just haphazard. Their personalities conform to whatever kind of moment the film currently harping on. If it’s comedy than Krasinski  is doing wacky things like screaming “cunt!” in public to get the baby’s low heart rate up (uh, ha?) but when he’s hearing about his friend’s inability to have a kid while his wife is doing a fully clothed strip tease in a Canadian bar (what?!)  he’s all tender and weepy and acting like the Emo King of the World. Then there’s the in-between moments that are not funny or sad like when the uptight hippie couple forbids strollers from entering their sanctuary then say something racist that ticks off Krasinski’s character, causing him to run throughout the house with the crazy couple’s sheltered kid in a stroller as Rudolph is perched on the door and laughing like a madwoman. Wow, this film is awful!

Grade: D-

• What’s Good: A horror comedy hasn’t been attempted since Slither (one of my favorites from 2007) and, well, it didn’t turn out too well because everybody hated that film. The film has a great (and simple) set-up and greater pay-off.
• What’s Not: Here is a horror film that is too good for horror fans. The film was marketed as a deep dark girl in trouble horror film. Marketed towards people who (a) have never seen “Evil Dead” and (b) didn’t know this film’s isn’t as deep or dark or scary as they hope.
• Faux Peter Travers Quote: This film will drag YOU to the scares! 

Sam Raimi, you are hereby forgiven for making the “Spider-Man” films. The fringe-now-Hollywood filmmaker’s latest (non-franchise) work, “Drag Me To Hell,” is a refreshing reminder that a free director is an interesting director. Raimi approaches “Hell” with the attitude that a horror film need not get bogged down with high concepts or teenage stars or even torture, that, instead, it can be fun and still be scary. Yes, he did “Spider-Man” but forget that for now, the first piece of information every viewer should be made aware of is that the creator of this strange horror film made the “Evil Dead” series –gonzo horror if ever the two could be applied to each other– but he also made “The Gift,” a stylish thriller about psychics in the South and “A Simple Plan,” a film where money is truly the root of all evil. Well, he takes that adage literally on his trip to “Hell,” a winningly morbid film that blends elements from all three; the beauty of one, the darkness of the other and the macabre-edy of the “Evil Dead.”

At the heart of “Hell” is the perpetually prepubescent looking Allison Lohman (”Matchstick Men”) as Christine Brown, the what-else-but innocent loan manager tormented by a gypsy after she chooses (a key word here) to reject the old bag’s final mortgage extension. The house is taken, the gypsy is mad, the girl is fucked. Forget the bank stuff for a sec and this film actually sounds scary –and it is at times– but it’s also played for laughs; ex. the gypsy whips out her false teeth, drools on, nibbles on and curses on the poor girl all within a five minute span. The aftermath of the curse is endless (fun) torture done up with great style and a brilliant sense of comic timing that I haven’t seen since “Shaun of the Dead” and, before that, “Evil Dead 2″ two of the best cut and paced horror films of all time. This is the third! Each stinger is calculated with a great, malicious glee. Post curse, not only does Christine hear voices and take desperate measures to rid the hallucinations but her body is put through the horror ringer as much as any action hero. The “Thinner” meets “Tales from the Crypt” plot is so bare and stupid that even the  “gypsy curses a girl description” is too much. Just say “gypsy curse.” Whatever it’s called ”Hell” is a nice distraction from the mid-decade onslaught of blond heroines tormented by ghosts genre that, it should be noted, a fair share Raimi cursed us with himself (he produced the rancid ”Grudge” remakes, “Bogeymen” and ”The Messenger”). So it’s a nice bit of karma service that Raimi himself joins the blond-girl-in-peril fray without the ”look at my horror mastery” pretensions I thought he had after looking at his production slate. Eschewing the usual haunted hooey, Raimi goes for a light approach that almost seems to be mocking the serious J-horror/J-horror remake crap. “Hell” isn’t a parody but after a decade of bad female driven horror films it might as well be.

I haven’t even mentioned the cast, which is perfectly cast with lesser know performers. The gypsy Mrs. Ganush is played by TV actor Lorna Raver and she not only looks the part and acts the part but, post death (not really a spoiler since she dies in the first act), her obviously fake body provides “Weekend at Bernies” level of shock laughter. There’s also an Indian psychic (Dileep Rao) that helps Lohman’s character and, while never cracking a joke, always seems to be on the bubble of making one. He’s really good. And, okay, so is Justin Long as her boyfriend. While he plays the obligatory dude that’s totally “there” for the scared heroine, I appreciated his lighthearted but always concerned approach (his and the film’s final scene is one of the best in all of horror-dom). While Raimi may be forgiven for the “Spider-Man” films, Long isn’t off the hook for all those Apple ads; it doesn’t help matters that he uses a giant Apple desktop computer while taking calls from an iPhone that, in one scene where Lohman tries to call him, is framed in the foreground so prominently that I thought I was watching a Brian De Palma split screen shot.

Whatever. I had a great time which is not something I usually can write about a horror film for even the ones I looooooooovvvvvveeeeee such as “Let the Right One In” are not exactly what I would call a “great time.” The thing of it is, Raimi had a great time too. It shows in almost every shot. There’s a moment where Lohman is attacked and cornered by an unseen demon trickster in a shed and what happens next is almost exactly what would happen in an “Evil Dead” film: the film pans up to reveal a rope, follows that rope over to an anvil (of course!) and cuts to a knife cutting the rope which plummets down with a great whoosh and squishes the demon whose fluids nail Catherine right in the kisser. Ash would be proud. Raimi doesn’t give a fuck if he’s being derivative, besides, being derivative of “Evil Dead” is not that common anymore and most welcome.

“Drag” features some of the most lively and humorous animal moments I’ve ever seen in a horror film. When told she must sacrifice a living creature by the psychic, the desperate vegetarian gives one of the best lines of the film when she gets home and says “here kitty, kitty, kitty.” Another botched sacrifice occurs when a goat is brought to a séance. A servant brings the occult animal to the table, chains it up and…….. after a few awkward moments of silence the animal looks at Lohman and almost seems to be smiling (necessary, no. great, yes). Then there’s that wonderful moment that occurs the night that Lohman is cursed by the gypsy. In a tight close-up of Lohman’s face a fly buzzes on her eyelid, jumps to the other then finds its way to her nose. It’s buzzing turns into mad whispering, it then flies into her nose going in one nostril and out the other. Finally, it comes to her closed lips and shimmies its way into her mouth. She wakes up choking and the fly pops out.

My point isn’t to drone on about Raimi’s quirky touches (I could go on and on about a fight scene that takes place with a handkerchief!!!) but to simply state that the writer/director has crafted a B-horror film that suits him more or at least as much as any personal project he’s attached his name to; this project must be especially liberating after being tethered to the “Spider-Man” universe.

As I was leaving the theater an usher and fellow nerd looked at me and said “how many times do you thing she got stuff shoved in her mouth.” Now, this is one of the few female driven horror films where that does not mean what you think it does. My answer, “a lot… she got it worse than Ash” defines the character pretty well instead. The usher then asked the next couple, “so did you laugh?” They shrugged, grunted and scurried along their way, presumably to watch the “Friday the 13th” remake. I think they didn’t GET this film. That is probably because horror fans…….. are dumb. Which, in turn, is usually because the genre is. A film like “Hell” challenges that notion with the simple twist of making the scares silly without taking away what makes them scary. When Lohman finds the evil gypsy waiting for her in her car it’s scary!/When she staples the old monster’s head and crams a ruler in her throat which is shot back out like a projectile weapon, it’s funny/when she tracks down and approaches the gypsy’s now-condemned house, it’s scary!/when she enters to find an old world funeral with drinking and gambling followed by a series of events that leads to Ganush’s comically dead body tumbling down on Cathrine with torrents of green embalming fluid flooding into her mouth… it’s, yeah, funny as hell.  Okay, so the film isn’t “smart” in what it says (the notion that the true horror banks and their ability to ruin lives worse than any monster is entirely tangentle) or even what it shows on the surface (Lohman is not some feminist icon but a simple girl from a farm) but it is smart in it’s approach which, as I mentioned, is half way between a parody and the darkest of horror films. That ”Saw” underperformed financially while another dozen ”Saw” films are right down the road shows me how deprived/depraved this genre is.

Grade: A-

• What’s Good: I’m always up for an apocalypse! The film is a disappointment from top to bottom except for the sound effects and a performance by Anton Yelchin who channels a 1980s Michael Biehn.
• What’s Not: The film is caught between Connor’s story and Marcus’s. It ends up favoring Connor to its determent. If only the machines in Skynet’s doomsday clutches knew that all they need to do is wait for McG to come along to solve their John Connor problem once and for all. This film offers a poorly envisioned future with bad effects. And, sigh of sighs, Christian Bale as John Connor is just not good.

The tides of time have been hard on poor John Connor. He grew up under constant threat, was constantly emasculated by his mother, lived on the fringes of society and his reward for doing so was the end of days and a really lame futuristic tale that he has no business staring in. Of all the robots that have tried to kill Connor in the past, present and future (the list includes the T-100,200,300,400,500,a step-dad,600,700,800,900,1000 models and of course the sexy TX) nobody and nothing could silence the boy/man until a robot named McG came along. In one swift and stupid 90 minute battle waged by this menacing figure I am certain the savior of all mankind will never surface again in film form. It can finally be written that the robots have won the battle for the future.

I didn’t care that a new “Terminator” was coming out. Despite a love for wacky robot antics, the apocalypse and wackier Christian Bale freak-out remix songs I anticipated at “T4″ with as much energy as one of Arnold’s early T600 line readings. It didn’t help that the adds, despite a fittingly cool NIN tune about the “day the whole world went away…,” made the film look puzzling. The John Connor future-is-now Jesus figure bit I get but there was more. Something about a robot that’s also some sort of savior that also thinks he’s human despite also having robot parts spilling out of his head and, um, cars and bridges blow up. That about sums it up but with the twist that John Connor ends up being the least essential factor due to a lack of character development.  

Despite my curious case of disinterest and the whole McG factor, this is the “Terminator” that had to happen. As plots go the setting for “Salvation” is almost predestined considering the futuristic framing device has been used in all the “Terminator” films. The future, in other words, is where’s EVERY “Terminator” plot motivator has come from–robot from the future comes to the present to do this, resistance fighter from the future comes and does that etc. Besides “the future,” the only other commonality is that everyone must be naked. In this respect whenever I watched a “Terminator” film what always bothered me was that the flash-forwards to the post-apocalypse battlefields –a tasty vision of things to come– were always brief and always followed by a cut to emo John Connor and his butch mom. ARGH! I don’t know about you but I always wanted to fast forward to the future again where all the cool stuff seemed to be happening. Well, “Salvation” takes us there and now that we’re, um, here… all want is to return the past again. Funny how things work out.

So where are we, exactly? I would describe it as a sad and bleak future. No, it’s not so much that the tone of this post-apoc world brought about by pre-Matrix man made robots is a downer but, instead, the way its all rendered by McG. Namely, “Salvation” takes us to a bland wasteland where everything is either burned or burning. And of all the scenarios of things to come I never knew the future would be dominated by chases followed by more chases. This is odd considering –and correct me if I’m wrong– there there’s no fuel! I call this the “Mad Max” fallacy except “Max” is thoughtful and actually addresses the scarcity of power sources.

The fight for fuel is just one of many small details the film glosses over. ”Salvation” not only fails to fill in tiny gaps such as that but the broad stuff too like: how did the robots gain so much in the way of artificial intelligence (we’re only talking about a decade into the future) and why are these “thinking” robots kidnapping humans; if they just want one or two prime suspects can’t they just scan them on the spot? The bigger issue is not related to logic nitpicking at all. The shooting style is (fittingly) robotic and lifeless and surprisingly tame considering this is the ADD jerk0ff that spawned a pair ”Charlie’s Angels” abortions. What makes matters worse is that the grungy effects are neutral when they’re not flat-out forgettable. Next to the grown up resistance fighter we all knew and loved (John Connor as phoned in by Christian Bale), the co-central character is a cyborg named Marcus Wright (played by the it guy Sam Worthington) and his poorly rendered robot face is a prime example of the film’s lazy and unimaginative visual style. But at least Sam puts in some effort to make up for the ghastly gobs of copy/paste CGI robot parts. The rest of the cast is wildly hit or miss in their roles and characterizations. First is John Connor who is a total let down. But for ever inspired Markus Wright we get useless figures like John Connor’s paper thin combat partner ”played” by Common (why does Hollywood love this guy so much?) and mute young girls out of a Dickens story and the perpetually talentless Bryce Dallas Howard, doing what what she does best: empty gazing.

The film also indulges in blank gazes. Nothing about “Salvation” stuck with me. I wasn’t emotionally involved by John Connor’s fate, wasn’t dazzled by the effects (because after the tenth chase who cares who wins?), was seething over the cinematography (me and the DP are done professionally!) and was not even able to enjoy the film as a goofy camp experience a la the totally underrated “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.” I’m almost tempted to ask for a second “Salvation” so that, I don’t know, maybe then the future will have more going on because in the film I just watched it’s as lifeless and ghostly as the past.

As John and Markus head towards their fate in a set piece that takes place in Skynet city (a robot world that conveniently seems to have been made for humans to run around in and hack terminals with handy USB outlets), my friend hit upon an good insight when he pointed out that the film breaks a cardinal rule by having two voice-over narrators. Now, this is a film geek moment but what immediately occurred me was that what we heard were not just two character voices propped up by sloppy editing and bad re-writing (thanks Paul Haggis!) but dueling characters in dueling films. On one hand we have the (slightly more interesting) film about a humanoid robot with a dark past that thinks he’s a real man connecting, through turns of fate, with Connor’s father to be (a fantastic Anton Yelchin doing a dead-fucking-on Michael Biehn impression). This story, even in its more limited function and despite the fact that it’s a pale reworking of “Battlestar Galactica’s” robo existentialist dilemma, has some poignancy in the sense that it’s a tragedy about a man looking for a second chance on his damned journey to salvation, hence the title. Okay, THAT’S THE FILM! But it’s not: On the other hand is the storyline that ultimately upstages the original notion conceived for “Salvation.” That is John Connor’s flavorless film that hijacked the story proper after star Christian Bale was hired and insisted the project be about me, me, me–this is what I call the Jamie Foxx Effect. Connor’s military ops (more like military whoops) narrative also involves a search for his father (can you say redundant?) and a non-relationship with Bryce Dallas Howard’s doctor. Why is she pregnant and what’s their relationship? No clue and no reason just like the rest of the film. 

Bottom line is that I would love to get my hands on the pre-Bale version of the script but even then how good could it possibly be? I mean, the credited screenwriters wrote “Catwoman” for fuck’s sake! But if “Salvation” teaches us anything it’s that you can’t change the past. This film, then, has its own fixed destiny: to suck. And since any destiny related to the “Terminator” series requires John Connor to be at the center, the film makes good on that and, hence, seals it’s unsatisfying fate.

Grade: C-

• What’s Good: Uh…. something good… oooh, I know. I’m glad to see William Stryker back and glad to see he’s played by Danny Huston. But when is someone going to grow some balls and make him the religious zealot he is in the comics?  Also good is that the “X-Men Origins” PS3 game rocks. It’s way better than the film.  
• What’s Not: TOO MANY MUTANTS. THIS IS A WOLVERINEFILM NOT ANOTHER X-MEN FILM. The problem though is not so much that “X-Men:Origins” fails to make the cut (ha!) but that after “Dark Knight,” “Iron Man,” “Hellboy II,” “Watchmen” and, okay, even the underrated ”Hancock,” I have been sooooo spoiled by unique and creative superhero films that to see one play it this safe and mindless reminds me that good and challenging superhero films are not the norm but, instead, films like “Origins” are.  
• Faux Peter Traverse Quote: Don’t get too close to this Wolverine or you’ll get cut… with sizzling sparks of popcorn!  

“Origins” is not a comic book movie. It’s a summer sampler platter. You get a little of everything but not much of anything in particular to savor. We’ve entered an age where comic book films exist, not because they have to, but because they can. There is no impending directive behind ol’ Wolve’s solo narrative outing. No story or back story for that matter that simply must to be told (”Batman Begins” is one that did for example). “Origins,” in other words, is filler material. Not a well sketched tribute to the character or the comic so much as an opportunity to making money off him–that loud slurping sound you hear is every last bit of marrow being sucked from Logan’s adamantium bones. What’s more, the story is not told very well, does not engage beyond primal things blow up/things get cut enjoyment and does not flow organically. With jerky and obligatory feeling plot movements this “prequel” details Logan’s sad but auspicious start and follows his bony clawed trajectory from a scared boy with father issues to a seemingly ageless warrior caught up in one war after another to being in Canada for like five seconds to getting more mutant powers from a figure who wants to make him stronger as much as he wants to kill him. What?! Why? Simple: because things need to blow up and because Logan needs to then swear revenge by slicing stuff in half so that, after doing so, he can walk away from a fireball in slow motion. Oh, and because he likes flexing.

There’s nothing else to this film. Besides flexing there’s, let’s see, boasting, displaying, screaming to the heavens and veiny neck scowl-offs that leave Wolverine and Sabertooth looking like hissing cats. There’s also this power or that power made by this mutant or that mutant. Before during and after Logan and his loverImeanbrother Victor Creed (aka Sabertooth… aka Liev Schreiber showing wife Naomi Watts that he can make money too, damn it) join a crude superhero militia run by shifty Government spook William Stryker (the great Danny Huston, taking over where the greater Brian Cox left off in “X2″) the film indulges in a rogues gallery (not Rogue’s gallery mind you) of supermen and their superpowers that does not follow plot logic but basic stage direction introductions and departures; enter Cyclops, enter Blob, enter/exit/enter Deadpool, enter Gambit, etc. This need for constant –and empty–reference absorption is no more evident than with the character of Deadpool, a government”project” able to ultimately incorporate all mutant powers and played by an actor, Ryan Reynolds, who does the same with other actors (and gives the exact same performance as his character in “Blade 3″… so he’s ripping himself off now!). A mutant that combines all mutant powers may sound cool but it does not follow the rules of the X-Men universe. One reason may be that it’s as stupid as a kid (or Napoleon Dynamite) that comes up with a tiger/shark/dinosaur creature because nothing’s cooler. 

In other words there’s a lot of cluster-fuckery in this X-Men. The news of a film surrounding a SINGLE and SOLO ”X-Men” character was indeed great news because while some X-Men are great and all, we always had to share them with the likes of Storm (sorry Halie Berry fans). And now that we finally get one to ourselves, what happens? The writers simply pile on more mutants! WRONG DIRECTION 

Another problem is that director Gavin Hood, known for his Oscar winning foreign drama “Totsi,” has as much identity as an action filmmaker as Catherine Hardwick did last when all her skills amounted to ”Twilight” looking like absolute ass. I was expecting really cool effects after watching the blueprint that was the much talked about leaked workprint but I guess my imagination got the better of me because what I saw was not as good as what I wanted to see. Maybe Fox just gave up on finishing after everyone downloaded the film for free. So not only are the effects middle of the road but the way the (already lame) effects are captured and put into motion by the (newly lame) director and production team is even more underwhelming. 

Even though he has logged only two decent performances under his utility belt (”The Prestige” and “The Fountain”), Hugh Jackman is totally likable. And while the long legged Aussie is not 100% suited for the stocky/manly/insane Wolverine persona I can’t really think of anyone I’d rather see do the character at this point. Or perhaps I’m just too lazy to embrace a new one–either way, Jackman is fine, it’s the material that’s not. Look, I can shit on this film all day but what keeps me from whipping out my berserker rage on it is the fact that ”Origins” adds more to the table than Bret Ratner’s mythos damning version which I wish didn’t exist. This film has a right to exist but just not to be necessarily liked.  It’s mearley something to keep us going until the next big superhero film which will no doubt be a Magneto or Deadpool “Origins” cash-in.

Do I like this film. No. Did I give it a shot despite being turned off (and turning off) the leaked workprint? Yes. I and so many others should not only get credit for doing so but for proving that even if the Internet nerds steal a movie here and there, and even if we hate the movie we outright stole, we’re still going to pay to see it. And then buy it on Bluray. And then watch it on cable. And then bitch how much it sucks. Such is the life.

Grade: C-

• What’s Good: J.J. Abrams and Spock. What a team! This film is good but, provided a second, has the potential to get a lot better.
• What’s Not: Chris Pine as Capt. Kirk is the most annoying man in the universe next to Tyler Perry (who’s also in the film). Nearly ruins the film.
• Faux Ken Turnan Quote: ”A burst of pure filmmaking exhilaration.” Actually, I didn’t make that up! That’s actually him and he’s a bigger dick than Kirk.  

I called it. When he made ”Mission Impossible: 3″ I saw the work of a new kind of auteur. Not one raised in Hollywood or prepped by TV commercials or MTV but television. Not since Frankenheimer and Lumet has this been big but it’s a trend that’s long overdue. My entire review of this (really unpopular) film detailed J.J. Abrams status as  a visionary director who has come to film and brought with him the best impulses of television. Lets face it, TV has way more ability to entertain than Hollywood films these days and I give credit to Hollywood for noticing this and embracing the talent that comes from this once inferior medium. It’s also fitting that they hand it over to the “Trek” franchise which, of course, began on television. After the release of ”Star Trek,” a flawed but fantastic(ical) film, it occurred to me that I would rather have a J.J. Abrams or Joss Whedon take on a franchise than a thousand Brett Ratners or Michael Bays.

That being said, “Star Trek,” historically speaking (…and I’m sorry for speaking historically…), sucks. Always has. It’s never really been that big of a deal in my world. Always something second rate, always something good in theory but never on paper (books, comics etc.) or in practice (TV, film, video games). Sure I watched every ”Trek” film and even liked a bunch. The tolerable ones to dare are threefold: “First Contact” (which retains its crown as the best “Star Trek” movie), followed by ”Star Trek VI” (the film where Kirk fights Evil Kirk!), and of course Khan! Still, I never enjoyed myself or felt the same space mojo on the level of the truly great sci-fi stories such as “Star Wars” or ”Alien.”

This film, I am glad to say, is not second rate. It legitimizes the franchise into something other than, well, something most of us secertly laugh at. This is clearly the first time I’ve ever felt excitement or wonder with a product bering the “Star Trek” name.

J.J. directs this pivotal franchise reboot with less formalized experimentalism as “MI:3,” which was shot like an action documentary with moments of startling close-ups that cut into the high gloss objectivity. This film is more safe but to call it that does not do the confident filmmaking justice. It’s tight and bright but not controlling or flashy. And while the plot sometimes feels rushed along as if a commercial break is just about to hit, J.J. and his “Alias” screenwriters never let their story venture into “Harry Potter” levels of hurried pacing. Which is to say it’s not impossible to savor bits of what goes down from one snappy scene to the next. Visually speaking, J.J. also gets a lot of information across in as little amount of time possible. Early pivotal moments such as Kirk’s upbringing and eventual recruitment to the star fleet are shot with great economy. The film, then, often feels condensed but in the most exciting ways possible. This “Trek” is all about quick (and often quirky) throwaway moments (Kirk bangs a green skinned hottie is one of many winks to the past) are juxtaposed with big broad action strokes. And of course the obligatory fan service can be a lot of fun even if it’s also a bit forced.  

Being a fan of “Alias” and “Lost” (though J.J. has virtually nothing to do with this show even though the media loves to note it as his biggest achievement) I always noticed that, as a writer/director, J.J. was a natural fit for sci-fi because he had the ability to take everyday things and empower them with realities so heightened that they felt like fantasy. Now that he has finally made an all-out sci-fi adventure he does the opposite by taking fantasy content and making it feel grounded and real. Most crucial is the fact that he takes the film and genre seriously. Here is a science-fiction film that actually uses science! When characters talk about black holes, relativistic physics (nobody says that word better than Simon Pegg’s Scotty!) and of course time travel I found myself really drawn into the angle that these are real theories being thrown out. Sure, liberties are taken to a point where the science at hand is anhiliated (NOTHING CAN OUTRUN A BLACK HOLE except light and Shatner’s ego!!!), but that’s hardly a negative since it’s called science-FICTION.

The plot is just what the series needs if viewed in the context of being a reboot. It engages fans and non fans in similar ways “Batman Begins” did. Unlike “Batman,” however, the villain (Eric Banna) is dull, obligitory and has a retarted agenda. Bana plays Nero, a space janitor from the future that happens to know how to navigate black holes with pinpoint percision and when bad stuff happened to his planet he goes to the past to, um, to stop Spock from destroying (but really saving) his planet and other stuff and… why does it have to be so convoluted? Villainous glitchs aside, the film’s opening draws the viewer in with tractor beam precision and really gave me the chills because of how it touches upon the grand and the deeply emotional (Kirk’s birth and parents). And early scenes involving Spock’s childhood years really set a nice tone for the film. The central theme is living up to one’s responsibilities, perhaps even destiny, but a cool twist to that is that both Kirk and Spock, before they become WHO THEY ARE, are literally instructed as to the greatness that will come from them. Wow, talk about a burden. 

The cast is for the most part handsome and winning but sometimes too polished and perfect for their own good. The film is about Kirk’s formative years of chasing ladies and letting everyone know he’s the shit. Oh, it’s also about his eventual rise from cadet to a Captain. This gets… well, see the next paragraph. Lucky for us the film is very Spock heavy. VERY. And Zachary Quinto is very good at inhabiting the alien skin of Spock. VERY. The story manages to open up new insights into this hard shell of a alien/man in ways I never thought possible. The film is so enamoured with this character that it almost functions as a study of him! His mother issues are compelling to me because, well, I never knew he was half human! (And, on top of that, never knew Winona Ryder was his mum.) I also appriciated how this character evolves into the Spok we know and love with a lot of help from the Spock we do know and love, Leonard Nimoy. The twist involving ”future Spock” is fantastic and not worth spoiling other than to say it’s there and it’s cool. The downside is one horrible subplot that gives Spock a clandestine love interest that’s, ahem, not Kirk. Blah. I’m obviously not a Spock scholar but, seriously, the big balls on Spock rings false more than the wonky science.    

I hate to do it but this is where I have to get negative. The reason why “Star Trek” is “Star Trek” is because Shatner is Sharner–an enormously likable if corny character. This shat-less “Trek” does indeed nail just about everything… except for Kirk. Which is a biggie to not to get right in a film aboutKirk (but George Lucas didn’t nail Vader till ep. III so it’s not the end of the world, or empire… or federation as it were). As played by Chris Pine (think Matt Damon’s face with Christian Slater’s voice and Kanye West’s ass-holiness), James Tiberius Kirk……………… is a douche. A huge fucking tool. Too chiseled, too smart, too perfect and, making matters worse, zero awareness of this uber-ego; his cock(iness), his bluster and his I-can-do-anything-attitude really start to irritate by the one hour mark. By the second hour I was wishing they set the gun on a level other than “stun” if you catch my drift. 

It’s just impossible to relate to this guy on any level! Yes, Kirk must be a cocky brat but there also must be (or should be) an underlying flaw or venerability to this trait. Shatner got that but, to be honest, even if he didn’t his hamminess made up for it. Unlike Shatner’s escapades I never found myself rooting for Pine, even when being chased by pissed off Romulans or icy space monsters (which, by the way, totally don’t belong in a “Star Trek” movie). As Pine’s Kirk saunters into rooms and calls the shots I like how characters stare at him, astounded that someone in the Federation could be so annoying–and mind you, Tyler Perry is in the movie so that’s saying something. This Kirk is like a young sci-fi version of George W Bush in “W” except, y’know,  talented. The film loves to place Mr. Perfect in a position of hanging from ledges too. Seriously, three big action set pieces revolve around this act (is there a ledge hanging a fetish I’m unaware of?) and, of course, all three are overcome with ease and are followed by a twinkle toothed smile. But impressive feats such as this are rendered limp due to the fact that Kirk knows Kirk can do anything and Kirk knows how awesome Kirk looks doing it. The effect is, ironically, not amazing. And this hurts the film.

The lesson of the day is that if anyone should be cocky about their talents it’s not Kirk but JJ Abrams. The director’s one weakness however turned out to be the ability to make Kirk interesting or likable.

• Kirk: D
• Star Trek: A-
• Star Trek w/ Kirk: B-

For those still foolish enough to dismiss videogames or deny them their art (ahem, Roger Ebert) Metal Gear 4 puts an end to that. The game, of course, stars an aging spy who I’ve seen grow up with the NES years through the Playstation classic Metal Gear Solid to the tragic saga of his father in MGS3 to, finally, growing old in his “last” adventure to end all adventures. Metal Gear Solid 4 is a game that provided the most “wow” moments of the year, rivaling even movies like “Dark Knight.” The main criticism is that it’s there’s not enough game here but that’s only a criticism because the game proper is so good. But, really, it’s all cinemas. From endless (but fascinating) dialogues about the new world order (la-lay-lo-la-lo mein) and dangers of artificial intelligence as it controls our lives, to made up proxy wars to soldiers who fight for the sake of fighting (it’s the nanomachines!!!) to meta ruminations on videogames within this videogame (they should have called it Meta Gear Solid 4) to cinemas where Snake meets his mother Eva (featured in MG3) in Easter Europe (this game has more fan service than any I’veever played) to the unforgettable finale that lasts way longer (and is way better) than most feature length films; this film, er, game is tirelessly epic and resonates deeper than anything else out there. Oh, and the play-it-your-way stealth/action/cardboard box gameplay is some of the best I’ve ever encountered…too bad there isn’t enough of it in the later levels. Not that I’m complaining.

4. Valkyrie Chronicles

Turn base gaming makes a big comeback with these Chronicles. Take the endless fun you would have from a game like Advance Wars or Fire Emblem or, if you’d rather (and I would…), X-Com: UFO Defence, add an essential third person action view (hope this catches on in this genre), add a beautiful hand drawn watercolor graphic style, add RPG elements such as upgrading weapons, learning special powers and working with squad mates to create killer combos, add hours of addicting game play full of giant maps and small side quests, add just as many hours of anime inspired storytelling. Sega finally tapped into a winning formula that does not involve Sonic. And still nobody played this game! The game is set in an alternate Europe during what would have been World War 2 but could have been set on Mars and still been a classic.

5. Dead Space

I am among the few that hate survival horror games. I am among many that enjoyed Dead Space. I am among the few however that insist that Dead Space is the best the genre has to offer; or at least as good as Resident Evil 4! The hero Issaic is Master Chief for the Resident Evil crowd. He’s masked and clunky lurker prone to fetch quests that lazy crew members force upon him, loves to customize everyday tools into killing machines and has one of the best character traits that I’ve come across in years: a tin can wheeze that gets worse when he does. That’s all there is to him! And, likewise, all there is to this game is going from one part of a haunted ship to another, capping a hell of a lot of aliens (or are they?) along the way. Like RE4, Dead Space succeeds at being a survival horror game by not being onlya survival horror game. From zero gravity segments to telekinesis powers (a la the underrated Psi Ops) plenty of action elements create a rich range of experience and the nature of the action, shoot limbs to kill the creatures, add a unique twist to the one-head-shot-kill.

6.Ninja Gaiden 2

If you read message boards, it’s safe to assume that the only people who hated NG2 more than those lame-ass Devil May Cry biznatchezzz were actual fans of Ninja Gaiden. Aww, man, why the hate people?! Because the story makes no sense. Okay but I like how weird it is (what other game can go from big boobed gals to mystical/metaphysical hooey?). Because while NG1 is a masterpiece the second is the same game but with a Xbox360 coating. Okay, that’s more valid. Because the fucking camera keeps fucking up your fucking shit, preventing you from fucking up other ninja’s shit? Ah, yeah… even more valid. Because you find yourself fighting the camera more than cheep ninjas? Because those fucking, cock-ass motherfucking rocket launching ninjas that find a place clear across town and lob missiles at your sorry fucking ass every two seconds/every two steps you take? That there is the most valid argument against this game because this is, after all, NINJA Gaiden not Ninja Contra. But NG2 is still the best action in town. Big, broad (and, ahem, broads), beautiful and bloody beyond all measure, this NG probably doesn’t try to fix what’s broken because what’s broken (such as it is) is still minuscule compared to what works so well.

7. Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney

Well, I’m finally done with the Phoenix Wright series…

• Favorite Games in the Series: Apollo Justice. The story is great (despite the demotion of Pheonixas the lead character–he’s used very well though) and there’s more hands-on stuff that takes full advantage of the DS functionality. Dusting for prints, using a metal detector, and of course screaming OBJECTION make this the best detective game I’ve ever played. And would you believe the lawyer stuff is just as good?
• PW is closely followed by the first Wright game, then the third Justice for All (the last case is mind blowing), and finally Trials and Tribulations.
• Favorite Case: the last case of the first game.
• Favorite Filler Case: The Salty Ramen episode in Apollo made me hungry (and thirsty from all the salt).
• Least favorite case: anything involving a circus.
• Favorite non principle character: Mr. Hat! ::snapppppppp:: Ack, the von Karmas characters then. ::snapppppppp:: ::snapppppppp:: ::woooosssshhhh:: Okay, Jesus, just Francisca.
• Most Pathetic Aspect: (tie) Gumshoe’s inability to shaveproperly as evidenced by the ubiquitous band aid on his chin. This is tied with Phoenix’s sex life. From what I can tell his entire catalogue involves a girl in college that used him, tried to kill him and was so sick of him she made her twin sister date him. Poor Phenie.
• Most Annoying: Oldbag, Larry Butz and Lotta Heart got dumber and dumber and dumber and should all be arrested for just happening turning up in case after case as key (stupid) witnesses.
• Favorite Line: #1 ACK! (has now entered my everyday vocabulary and works in so many applications). #2 von Karma : “My pin number is 0001, because I’m number 1!”

8.Boom Blox

This game taps into a long lost type of game. Throwing a ball to knock over blocks. It just… feels so good. For some reason leaving the 8bit era made game designers forget how fun it watch things fall. Blox is not only a cathartic inversion of Jenga but a rather deep strategy game that makes brilliant use of physics (ex: if I aim, here the blocks will fall on more blocks and start a chain reaction… which leads to a lot more strategy than one might assume). This is also the best use of the Wii’s motion controls I’ve ever come across. The controller truly feels like an extension of your arm; and the game, an extension of the childish urge to throw shit at other shit.

9. Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII

It does my heart good to return to the Final Fantasy 7 world of Midgar. This prequel would be even higher on the list if only it was fuller (half the game consists of optional side missions that are still fun). The sense of inevitable tragety is built into every scene and the corresponding story makes good use of not only providing FF7 fans what they expect (Tiffa’s boobs) but throwing in new characters and motivations. The emotional ending rivals Metal Gear 4 with pathos and gut wrenching combat. That this is the best original RPG to hit handheld is a surprise second only to the fact that a good game was actually made for Sony’s PSP.

10. Little Big Planet

I don’t think I’ve yet to wrap my head around the possibilities here. This is the first online game I’ve ever dived into with any conviction. The options are unlimited! But, errrmmm, how much customized bling can you throw on a side scrolling platformer before it just gets redundant? LBP is slightly overrated but I see the allure and will no doubt be playing this for years to come. Sackman had me in stitches. Get it!

Best Multiplayer Game: Resistance 2

Speaking of on-line play, R2 is the second game to date to get me to give up my shyness and hang with the online gaming community (…of mostly a-holes). And my favorite to date. The online stuff in R2 is based more on WoW team play/classes and really responded to that because it’s now about getting fukn-p0wned every two seconds but working together. Furthermore, the single player mode (about a world taken over by aliens… original) is a marked improvement over the first Resistance. It’s also way better than the overrated man v alien series Gears of War and Kill Zone sequels.

Best Downloadable Game (new): World of Goo

Really, really, really Goo(d).

Best Downloadable Game of the Old School: Super Street Fighter II HD Remix

…memories…flooding…….back…..so…..much…time….so….many….quarters…… Playing the game again is one thing (namely, fun) but to play it online against a world of players reminds me of how great this game is… and how much I apparently suck at it.

• Overrated but fun: Grand Theft Auto IV–No, I’m not just saying that/yes, I beat the game. Not only is it a step back from the limitless GTA San Andres but the story sucks (I am Ruuuuuschhhhan, loooooking for ah plece en Aaaaameeeeekkkkkca!). The game does nothing to advance the series (jeez, we can watch TV now… wow, lame!). Still, driving around town, shooting the shit never gets old. And by shit I mean hookers. And by shooting…
• Overrated but still fun #2: Star Wars: Force Unleashed. So much potential crammed into a game with lazy level design. Hey dummies, how about an open world Star Wars game; everyone else is doing it after all.
• Overrated but overrated: Gears of War 2–How is this more popular than Resistance??? Ugh, I hate, hate, hate the squatty character design and dopey, dude-ified dialogue.
• Best Cover Art: Crisis Core
• Worst Cover Art: Fallout 3 (guy with armor……… okay, stupid) and Dead Space (oh, look, a hand… scary)
• Best Trend:Multiplayer games are actually fun now.
• Worst Trend:Xbox systems continues to break; Sony continues to do everything possible to prevent people from buying a PS3; PSP continues to suck; Nintendo DS pisses fans off by offering a pointless “new” DS with a camera; people continue to buy the same fucking Wii game over and over (the two year old game Wii Play is the best selling game of 2008?! Followed by Wii Play, Wii Play and Wii Fit)
• Saddest Moment:EGM (Electronic Gaming Monthly) ends its 20 something year run. I can’t express how sad that made me. I grew up on this mag. I read it even when I didn’t play games in the late nineties through mid 00s. I STILL read old issues on the can. Print media is dead. Sad. So how come the shitty Gamepro and pathetic Nintendo Power mags are still around? Fuck, PC mags are still publishing despite the fact that PC games are as dead as print.
• Estimated $ Amount Spent on Games and Systems in 2008: $1,500
• Percentage of My Free Time Wasted: 90% (the other 10% was spent reading Y The Last Man comics and watching Lost… god, I need to get a life)

System Ranking

• Playstation 3 (made my year. bluray + HDMI + new HDTV + really good game year for PS3 = most underrated system on the market)
• Nintendo DS–the lil’ system that shaped modern gaming
• Xbox 360–good as usual
• iPhone–lots of promise
• Nintendo Wii–the system was easy to slam but I have a soft spot for it.
• Sony PSP–worst system since the Sega years.

Here be the last of the “bests;” well, okay I’ll do videogames and that’s it.  

2008 Performanes to Remember

1. Christian Bale/Heath Ledger/Aaron Eckhart in The Dark Knight
2. Sally Hawkins in Happy Go Lucky 
3. Michelle Williams in Wendy and Lucy
4. Sean Penn in Milk
5. Meryl Streep in Doubt
6. Jean-Claud Van Damme, JCVD
7. Samuel L. Jackson in Lakeview Terrace
8. Ron Perlman in Hellboy II
9. Chiwetel Ejiofor in Redbelt
10. Brendan Gleeson in In Bruges
11. Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino
12. Brian Cox in Red  
13. Wall-E in Wall-E
14. Samantha Morton in Synecdoche, New York 
15. Melisa Leo in Frozen River  
16. Michael Shannon in Revolutionary Road
17. Mickey Rourke (playing Mickey Rourke) in The Wrestler
18. Kristin Scott Thomas, I’ve Loved You So Long, Tell No One and to a lesser degree The Other Boleyn Girl. 
19. Jason Statham in… nothing really seeing as how Death Race/In the Name of the King/Transporter all sucked but I’m afraid to leave him off. 
20. Red Baloon in Flight of the Red Balloon (overrated film, great balloon)

Best Moments of the Year

1. March of thea Penguin. A little guy breaks from the pack and waddles towards certain doom in Encounters at the End of the World. He’s had enough of the pack life. Can’t blame him. This moment could be most haunting and poignant moment ever captured by a documentary. 
2. Heads Up! The penultimate scene in Let the Right One In.
3. The zero cut action opening of JCVD–great action followed by a great Buster Keaton moment.
4. Horn-E. Little Wall-E’s junk yard serinade. Kid’s got game.
5. An Asian gang gets the fuck off Clint’s lawn. 
6. “Want to see a magic trick!” The Joker makes a pen disappear in Dark Knight.
7. God, so many moments from In Bruges to pick from. How about: Brendan Gleeson stops Colin Ferrell from committing suicide, so he can shoot him.  
8. “die…” The last word uttered in Synecdoche, New York. God damn, gives me chills.
9. The zombie party in The Signal (argh, I forgot to put this film on my 20 best).
10. Ram Rod. The Ram’s final turnbuckle wrestling move in The Wrestler. Turns out to be more poetic and original than anything preceding it in this cliche of a movie. 
11. Gay shoes. The Italian shoe gift that Frost gives Nixon is actually quite touching; at this point I even felt sorry for the self sabotaging Nixon. His asking Frost if he really called him while in a drunken stooper is touching and tragic.
12. The final, bongo playing shot of The Visitor (my theory: Jenkins has, in fact, lost his mind at this point)
13. Zen Master Ejiofor helps a rape victim heal in Redbelt by jumping her from behind. That’s a new one.
14. U2 song + shaggy dog + Internet cafe = great moment (that goes nowhere). Tell No One.
15. We find out what the title Waltz with Bashir means.
16. It can’t possibly get any worse, can it? We find out about the baby in Dear Zachery.
17. Punisher throws a grenade at a thug in War Zone. The guy looks at it and dismissively shrugs, too lazy to even react to his own death. *boom* Funny reaction/stupid movie.  
18. So long and thanks for all the fish. The notion that a mantle with fish and popcorn sitting on it will, with great certainly, outlive humanity in Encounters at the End of the World. So that’s what the title is referring to. That’s so Herzog!
19. Awkward Dan White moment #583: He pops his head into Harvey Milk’s office and says “hey guys!” Is he being antagonistic, does he just want a friend or is he gay? All three!
20. Putting the cock in Hancock Will Smith punches a hole in the roof with his, uh, super load.

1. Christopher Nolan, Dark Knight
2. Thomas Anflerson, Let the Right One In
3. Martin McDonagh, In Bruges
4. Kelly Reichart, Wendy and Lucy
5. Woody Allen, Cassandra’s Dream
6. Andrew Stanton, Wall-E
7. Clint, Gran Torino
8. Mabrouk El Mechri, JCVD

1. Dark Knight by the Nolan Brothers
2. …no number 2, that’s it.

Testing out news worthy merger between Twitter and the trend setting powerhouse Paper Street Cinema. Expect Twitter’s ad revenue to soar

• What’s Good: Crank
• What’s Not: The impossibility of a third “Crank.” Sigh, the world is just not ready to embrace this series–or perhaps I’m dumb for embracing it. Either way I’ll be made fun of for rating the film so high. I would call it way ahead of its time but that would only get me made fun of more.

Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank is destined to be misread and/or dismissed as being another dumb action flick that’s more video game than movie, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank,Filmmakers Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor (music video guys of course) do a marvelous job of keeping the high wire pacing of the first (or, another way to put it: repeat themselves) and yet still manage to surpass the OC (original “Crank”) by throwing caution to the wind and allowing this follow-up to be more random, over the top and funny. Crank, Crank, Crank, You want sex? Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Severed heads… Crank, Crank, Crank … that talk! Crank, Crank, Shotgun sodomy? Crank, Crank, Crank,Hookers coming at us from all angles (this film can boast the first ever appropriate usage of Bai Ling in the history of cinema)? Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Drugs? Crank, Crank, How about Cory Haim with a mullet and a shit load of random-ass cameos ranging from the Troma guy to Maynard James Keenan to the dude from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” brilliantly reprising his thirty second role from the first “Crank?” Crank, Crank, Oh, and how about gangs? Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Not just thug gangs either but motorcycle gangs run by gay black cowboys? Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank,It’s all here even if the finer comic subtleties may be hard to tolerate for most seeing as how a lot of what happens might not even perceived as funny or amusing, parody or not, (slicing one’s nipples off is not for everyone after all) in addition to the fact that film stretched beyond all reason to the point of meta-action and hyper(bolic)fiction. Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, The joy of the film, though, is that it also throws into the melting pot things I didn’t know I wanted in a “Crank” sequel. Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank,Like a scene where, after running around with the protag’s heart in a cooler, a pierced Triad throws the Duracell Bunny protagonist (Jason Statham) into a live power line. Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, This is a mistake seeing as how his body feeds off electricity after Chinese organ thieves took out his heart (to give it to his leader Poon Dong… but of course) and replaced it with a battery. Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, This sudden burst of Joules sends the bald Brit into a blitzed-out state of half plasma/half man-ness and what happens next nobody could expect… Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank …an honest to god Godzilla style homage featuring Jason Statham in a Jason Statham costume (!!!) engaged in a man-on-man fight across a miniaturized battlefield! Crank, Crank, Crank, So, yeah, the film will try anything. Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank,It never stops and the stylized-to-the-point-of-motion-sickness filmmaking taps right into Stathem’s fiery id gone wild. Crank, Crank, Crank, If the first “Crank” is the movie “Speed” transplanted onto a person, then “Crank: High Voltage” must be, um, “Crank” on a person– which is to say overkill layered on top of more overkill. Crank, Crank, Crank,From going down the list of Kama Sutra moves in public (as a life saving measure to generate static electricity in case you wondering) to getting cigarettes put out on his gaping, still beating heart, Statham is up for anything. Crank, Crank, And EVERYTHING. Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank,The actor and character literally gives his body up for this experimental film (what else can it be called?) where the human body is tested to it’s limits, dies, revives and lumbers around like a crazed Frankenstein video game monster who feeds on the stuff of pure energy (the tagline “he died… but he got better” says it all doesn’t it?). Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Never has an action film delivered so thoroughly on its title. Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank, Crank… Crank.

Grade: CrAnk 

Lost 4/8. Why can’t ever episode be BEN/Locke centric? And have smoke monsters spring from a primordial toilet. And no Jack or Kate. Yay! B+

Saw “Hancock” again. Holy shit, it got better! But… it’s “Hancock!” Hoping non-adapted superhero films catch on (Darkman sequel please)

*yeah, I didn’t forget about Wall-E

The Full List

1. Let the Right One In
2. Dark Knight
3. Wendy and Lucy
4. In Bruges
5. Happy Go Lucky
6. Gran Torino
7. Cassandra’s Dream/Vicky Christina Barcelona
8. Hellboy II
9. Synecdoche, New York
10. JCVD
11. Wall-E
12. Redbelt
13. Encounters at the End of the World
14. Frozen River
15. 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days
16. Iron Man
17. Doubt
18. Lakeview Terrace
19. Man on Wire
20. Tell No One